It's here.
December 2019 Issue
 

A note from the authors:
We never liked this decade.

---The Authors

YOU RUINED MY THANKSGIVING Sweepstakes:

If our holiday-themed November issue ruined your Thanksgiving, please email us at jakeandsamemailbomb@gmail.com with the subject: “You Ruined My Thanksgiving.”

We will pick one winner and Venmo them $17. One dollar for every word in the last email bomb.

We appreciate your feedback.

Contest ends December 23.
 

Jake’s Thanksgiving:

Before you pout and shout about our November issue, I’ll tell you about my Thanksgiving. My friend Angel and I were staying in New York. We had no plans aside from playing Go Fish.

“It’s Thanksgiving today,” he told me. “We should do something.” So we did. 

We had never been to Montauk, NY, so we took the four hour journey there. After exploring the beautiful scenery, we were hungry because we did not bring food. Since it was Thanksgiving day, all the stores and restaurants were closed, so we decided to knock on people’s doors. 

One family answered and blabbed, “Hello?”

“Greetings,” I replied. “We are from New York and came here for the day, but we have no food, so we were wondering if you had any snacks.”

“One moment,” the man said. 

Moments later (yes, more than one), a new man popped out of the door and led us in with a big smile on his face. As we entered, a family of 20 in matching pajamas yelled “Happy Thanksgiving!” and “You are a blessing!” and “Hoorah!” This was all shouted at the same time, so it was difficult to understand. 

They pushed the daughters out of their chairs so that we could sit and yelled “EAT, EAT, EAT!”

They fed us a beautiful Thanksgiving meal, and they invited us back to come visit in the summer. “You chose the worst time to come,” Grandma told me. We danced the night away with this kind, generous family. Eventually they drove us back to the train station so that we could get home safely. 

Angel is in the red on the left, Jake is in the yellow on the right. 
 

Haircut Rating:

I recently received a haircut at SuperCuts store #9688 in New York City. The last time I got a haircut was in August 2019, so I was due! I walked into the store and asked for a haircut. I did not check in online because I do not have the SuperCuts app because my storage is low and my dad won’t pay for my iCloud account anymore.

My stylist, Sascha, was very helpful. I had forgotten what type of haircut I got, so I described it visually because I am a storyteller. She told me that I was describing a #4 haircut with scissors on top. I wrote this in my notes app as a new note so I remember. I had to delete 15 pictures on my phone to have the space for a new note.

I had a great time at SuperCuts store #9688. The haircut cost $21 before tax and tip. SuperCuts is open from 9 A.M. to 9 P.M. on weeknights, 9 A.M. to 8 P.M. on Saturday and 10 A.M. to 6 P.M. on Sundays. I forgot to check for holiday hours, so I will make some up:

• Christmas Eve: 9 A.M. to 9 P.M.

• Christmas Day: 9 A.M. to 9 P.M.

• New Year’s Day: 9 A.M. to 9 P.M.

Here are before and after pictures of the haircut:

Before.

After.

Thank you, SuperCuts.
 

Reader Hate Mail:

Apparently, everyone hated our holiday-themed Thanksgiving email bomb.

From Rolance Yun, 

We appreciate those who still provide us with support, donations, and reminders to do our job:
 

Dr. Jake’s Tips:

How to avoid getting butter smeared on your face by a friend (learned from experience)

Last Sunday, I went with my dear friend Maxine to see The Meyerowitz Stories at the Metrograph. Maxine is gluten-free, so we went to the gluten-free bakery down the street, and I ordered a lemon-flavored baked good. Maxine asked me if I liked lemon, and I said, “I’m not sure.” It was the worst thing I've ever consumed. 

After insulting my appearance while I ate my subpar treat, she told me we should head to the theater. We made sure to get there plenty early. We took our seats only to find that the movie had already started. How could they start the movie earlier than the showtime? I thought to myself. I was fuming. I hadn't been this angry since I stubbed my toe the previous afternoon. 

After watching for about five minutes while complaining to Maxine that everyone who works at the Metrograph should be fired, they announced that they made a mistake and would start the movie over from the beginning. Now Maxine was fuming. She had seen this movie twelve times, and now she’d have to watch the beginning yet again. She made sure I knew she was upset. 

After leaving the theater, we meandered the streets for some hours before getting some dinner. After being incredibly dissatisfied, we went somewhere else for a second dinner. After being dissatisfied yet again, we decided to go to karaoke, which is never a solution. We overstayed our welcome, and decided we should get a third dinner. Mistake.

Here, Maxine and I both had breakdowns that led to her smearing butter all over my face, which I deserved. 

So in order to avoid getting butter smeared on your face by a friend (learned from experience), do NOT watch The Meyerowitz Stories. 

-Dr. Jake Ph.D.

Songs to Listen to this Winter:

I prefer to read, tbh.

Notable Days in December:

Dec 3 - The first heart transplant was completed (1967)

Dec 7 - National Illinois Day

Dec 8 - Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day

Dec 9 - McKayla Maroney bday

Dec 12 - Poinsettia Day

Dec 26 - Boxing Day (canada)

Dec 28 - considered by some to be the unluckiest day of the year

Dec 29 - considered by others to be pretty unlucky as well

Dec 30 - Lebron James birthday

How to Stay Warm this Winter:

1. Knit yourself a coat

2. Knit yourself a warm hat

3. Knit yourself a cardigan

4. Knit yourself some stockings

5. Knit yourself something to warm your face

6. Knit yourself some pants

7. Knit yourself some mittens

8. Buy more yarn

How to Fight Snow:

Fight fire with fire. Fight snow with snow. 

My Nyquil Addiction:

I felt sick, so I was drinking Nyquil every night. Other things I do every night include: brushing teeth, thinking about flossing, reading, crying, looking for my wallet. To exhibit self control, I threw away my half-full NyQuil. I have since purchased another bottle. 

Upon doing some research I learned that former NBA star of the Boston Celtics, Paul Pierce also had a NyQuil addiction. He attributes CBD as a big help in the recovery process. 

Pie Chart:

Movies to see this December:

Jumanji: The Next Level (2019)

Our Favorite Winter Colors:

1. Red

2. Green

3. Yellow

Honorary degrees received by Barbara Bush:

Our Favorite Winter Smells (no order): 

-Sloshy, brown snow

-Dirty snowmen and dirty snowwomen

-Driftwood

-A new can of tennis balls

Jake’s Latest Cartoonist Submissions:

If you recall the June 2019 Issue of Jake & Sam email bomb, you’ll remember Jake applied to be an illustrator for a neurologist who was writing a children’s book. She has yet to respond, but Jake has added some drawings to his portfolio.

Check them out below!

12 Days of Christmas Unscramble:

Put these 12 Days of Christmas in the right order and email us at jakeandsamemailbomb@gmail.com

2 turtle doves

10 lords a-leaping

4 calling birds

A partridge in a pear tree

5 golden rings

7 swans a-swimming

12 drummers drumming

8 maids a-milking

9 ladies dancing

3 french hens

11 pipers piping

6 geese a-laying