Happy New Year
from Couples Counseling Associates

Approaching the end of the year often leads couples to reflect on the last twelve months of their respective relationships.  You may look back on special milestones that you reached this year, like moving in together, a new addition to your family, or perhaps a romantic couples retreat. Your thoughts might also drift to unpleasant memories or challenging moments which conjure negative emotions such as disappointment and resentment. Your reflections suddenly shift focus revealing unresolved feelings, pain, betrayal or possibly even anger.   

Those unresolved feelings and negative thoughts often fuel couples in the development of a negative narrative of their relationship leaving partners feeling unfulfilled, unlovable, and disconnected.  The power of such a negative narrative may minimize your pleasant experiences and it may leave you and your partner in a state of despair as you bring in the new year. 

Below, I provide twelve simple New Year relationship resolutions to support you and your partner as you dive into 2020. Each of these intentions can serve as a reminder or as an opportunity to attempt a new approach in strengthening and improving your connection.  These small changes can promote an opportunity to shift into a more positive narrative and perhaps even promote healing from the prior year’s painful experiences.

1. Write Relationship Gratitude List

Setting aside time to develop a gratitude list of your relationship can be helpful in maintaining a positive perspective of your relationship and the growth you both have experienced.  I encourage partners to write these lists and share your gratitude with each other.   

2. Connect 

Take a moment to explore ways you can be intentional in your connection with your partner.  In doing so, you may discover new and old ways which have helped your partner feel closer, loved, and supported by you. 

For example: 

• Suggest that extra lap around the block when going for a walk
• Affirm your partners strengths
• Initiate intimacy
• Take on a household duty for the week to reduce your partner’s already overwhelming work week 

Stuck on how to reach your partner? Try the Love Languages Quiz.

3. Be empathetic 

Often a partner might express, “I don’t want solutions!”  Expressing empathy to our partner’s story provides a very important, implicit message, “I understand and can feel what this is like for you”.  This may not always be our first instinct; you might suggest a solution, play devil’s advocate, disagree or go right into problem solving mode. We may also begin to feel uncomfortable with our partner’s distress and or remain silent, especially if you perceive yourselves to be the source of your partner’s pain.  

Take a look at this short video to see how you can express compassion, support and love to your partner when your partner is in distress. This skill is not something you are born with, and we learn we often have experienced empathy in previous relationships. 

4. Assume positive intent 

As you notice discomfort within a conversation with your partner or perhaps your partner’s actions, prior to responding, take a moment to explore other explanations for your partner’s actions.  1-2 seconds before responding can provide an opportunity for you to reduce a negative reaction and determine, “What is my partner really trying to convey to me in this moment? Is your partner really trying to hurt, anger, frustrate you?”  Often you might, see your partner is trying to resolve an issue or reach a common goal in the best way your partner knows how.   

5. Set Personal Boundaries

Take an inventory of the way you establish and maintain boundaries in your relationship.  Do you communicate your boundaries in a healthy and effective manner? Are others aware of your boundaries before, after or during the moments your partner has been crossed?  Then use “I” statements to provide insight of the impact of recent events on my boundaries, feelings and values. (Link to ‘I’ statement article)