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GriefPerspectives

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Greetings to Our Partners in Care!

Please contact me personally with questions about how Windsor Chapel can help serve you and our community.

 - Scott Lockwood                                                                                        

Director of Community Development & Education                                 
Windsor Chapel Funeral Homes Ltd.

slockwood@windsorchapel.com
Cell  519-566-8175

GriefPerspectives

A Year Gone, Another Waiting

by William G. Hoy

As the year winds to a close, several realities dawn. First, these years get faster as I get older. Isn’t it true that just the day before yesterday we were celebrating the last New Year’s Day?! The rapid pace of our lives might make this more evident or perhaps, the growing numbers of relationships and experiences each of us has during these rapidly advancing years. Whatever the reason, the years are now “flying by” for me and the people whose age I used to consider and think of as old…well, that is now me.

 

Second, with each passing year, I realize that the last week of the year is a precious time for me. In my adopted post-clinical role as a college professor, I benefit from the natural rhythm of the academic calendar: 15 weeks “on,” three weeks off, 15 more weeks on, then nine weeks off; all told, it is not a bad gig for these final years of my working life. 

But long before moving from full-time clinical practice to full-time teaching and mentoring health care students (I still prefer not to be called an “academic,” thank you), I enjoyed a habit of taking at least an hour or two each day during this final week of the year to reflect and plan. As an early morning person, that could often be accomplished before my wife and children awoke so I did not take time from family during that week. Of course, early and even well into the middle of my career, I still had patients to see, program initiatives to oversee, and year-end reports to write during this week. But overall, the concentrated time of reflection, punctuated, as it were, by the coming change of the year proved to be an important time. 

During this week, I tend to ask myself questions like these:

What are the best things that have happened this year—personally and professionally? This year has seen the creation of a new course. Meaning, Money, and Medicine is a semester-long course in which I lead pre-med students to think about how their life priorities and the four-to-six times the median family income that will soon be their own can be aligned. And of course, there is Sydney’s birth; you heard from our daughter who is Sydney’s mom back in the September issue of this newsletter. Folks have told me what a change comes over one when the first grandchild is born; now Debbie and I can sing that song (and do so with abandon!) There are likely at least 20 items I will include on the list in my personal journal in the next few days in response to this question.
What will you include on this list as you review your 2019 calendar?

What are the biggest disappointments and unfulfilled hopes from this year? We who broker in endings and loss should understand this as well as anyone: there is as much to be learned in what we dreamed about but did not see realized as there is in the accomplishments we recognize. I set a goal at the beginning of this year to have my weight to 180 by year end; today, the scale reveals I am only eight pounds lighter than last year and still nearly 20 pounds from my goal. Getting my physical fitness going has been a challenge and as many readers know, it does not get particularly easier as we grow older. How about you?

Who would I like to become in the next year? All of us have character traits that are worthy of imitation. I sometimes ask other parents what the traits are they most want to develop in their children and suddenly what emerges is a list of five to eight character virtues: love, responsibility, gratitude, generosity, faithfulness, and respect are just a few of those qualities. More than 15 years ago, psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman (2004) published the fruits of their global research into character in the 800-page tome, Character Strengths and Virtues. In this volume, they examined and eventually classified 24 character strengths grouped into six categories: wisdom and knowledge (which includes creativity and curiosity); courage (including bravery and honesty); humanity (which includes love, kindness, and social intelligence); justice (including fairness and loyalty); temperance (including forgiveness, humility, prudence, and self-control); and transcendence (which includes gratitude, hope, and spirituality). One outgrowth of their continuing research has been the strengths finder tool and resources at www.viacharacter.org (reviewed below).

As I prepare to begin a new year, I try to take stock of the characteristics that most describe me—and that I would like to further develop this year. How am I doing as a person who shows respect? How is my generosity going? What steps could I take to develop my heart of gratitude this next year? All of these questions focus not so much on what we are doing but rather, on who we are becoming. Then, we can begin molding our plans into specific action steps. This goal will illustrate the point: During 2020, I will write at least three “notes of gratitude” to people in my life (mentors, family members, colleagues, friends) every month this year. Think of the impact on our world if we all started saying a thoughtful “thank you for this specific reason” that often.

Where are the areas I want to concentrate this year—personally, relationally, and professionally? While who we are is vital, much of that growth occurs because of what we do. Some people call them New Year’s Resolutions but I prefer to think about them as “growth goals.” Resolutions tend to be hopes without plans; goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-limited (SMART). Years ago, I started setting goals in each of six core areas of life which I alliterated as fitness (physical), faith (spiritual), faculties (intellectual), fellows (social/emotional), finances, and field (my professional growth). I have found setting one or two core goals that are measurable, dated, and attainable in each of these areas is a great exercise during the last week of the year.

What most excites me about the year about to begin? As this new year begins and I set specific goals for personal character development and action steps for life, I find it useful to pause momentarily to ask myself, “What is good and what excites me about the future.” Many of you have heard me talk about my students at Baylor and note that I have great confidence in the future of health care because of what I see in many of these young men and women. Of course, I have students who frustrate me; in fact, probably the majority do. Out of 82 freshmen I taught this semester, I expect fewer than 20 will become transformational leaders in health care whether as physicians, health care administrators, policy makers, or some combination. Many could do so much more if they simply followed my father’s sage advice and just “applied themselves,” and set as a goal to learn all they could instead of trying to work the angles to just “get by.” 

However, in a world that tends to focus on what is wrong and what is negative (read a newspaper or watched a newscast lately?) we can actually make the world better by thinking deliberately about what is good, what is positive, and what is exciting. In his letter to the Philippian congregation, St. Paul wrote these words and they are fitting to close the year: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8, New International Version).

My hope for you as 2019 ends and 2020 begins is that next year will be one of immense growth, peace, and joy for you.

 

Reference.  
Peterson, C. & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York, NY: American Psychological Association/Oxford University Press.

 
The Author: For more than three decades, William G. Hoy has been counseling with the bereaved, supporting the dying and their families, and teaching colleagues how to provide effective care. After a career in congregation, hospice, and educational resource practice, he now holds a full-time teaching appointment as Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas.




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Resource Review

Regardless of one’s stage in life, it is often a wise idea to stop and take stock of the character strengths that describe who we are. Growing from the decades long study by Martin Seligman and colleagues of how humans utilize character strengths, this website offers a plethora of resources for personal development and better understanding between team members.

These strengths generally form the conceptual framework whereby we make decisions, set priorities, and conduct our lives. A person whose top strengths are 1) love of learning, 2) spirituality, and 3) perspective (mine) makes decisions differently than a person whose top strengths are such things as bravery, leadership, and fairness. The free strengths-finder tool is an empirically-derived instrument to quantify and categorize our own “preferences” for how we live life. Of course, there are dozens of reports and resources one can purchase at the website, as well. But I find the free resources such as the Strengths-Finder to be of great usefulness in relationships: at home, in community organizations, and at work.

Your Professional Library
Hyatt, M. (2018). Your Best Year EverGrand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

Reviewed by Molly A. Keating, MA, CT
Editor, GriefPerspectives

Hyatt differentiates his recipe for goal setting and accomplishment with his focus first on interior work. This book is divided into five chapters or "steps" with the first two focused on the power of our personal narratives and doing work to free ourselves from false beliefs and mistakes of the past.

Each chapter ends with an "Action Plan," simple but powerful ideas that prompt critical thinking, helpful reflection and future envisioning. 

Hyatt sees value in looking to the past to help us with our future. His approach allows for the human component in goal-setting and doesn't reduce goals to checklists and action. 

If nothing else, this book offers insight, structure, and a realistic plan for simply living better within your own mind. What a great place to start.
Research that Matters
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GriefPerspectives is published monthly by Grief Connect, Inc. Copyright ©2020. All rights reserved, including publication or distribution in any form, electronic or printed. For reprint permissions or suggestions for content, please email us at GriefResources@msn.com.
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