Fearless

Dear <<First Name>>,

I've wanted to write this for awhile, but I want to share a disclaimer: Please understand that many, many floxies are permanently disabled. However, people do heal.

The jury's still out on whether any floxie can ever heal completely (intracellular damage and whatnot), but when people do mostly heal, there's still a mental journey to overcome.

Surviving getting floxed is a bit more than any regular near-death experience. Since getting floxed is so harrowing and painful, like you're trapped in your own body/personal hell, in a sense, it's almost as if you've survived torture.

First of all, your body may never be the same, and you may need to come to terms with that, but secondly, if your body seems "completely" back to normal, what the heck do you do now?

I had a very interesting mental state after I was fighting being floxed for over 5 months. As I started to heal, I also started exhibiting very strong PTSD symptoms. I would get angry over the tiniest things, drive recklessly, and would change all the times on my clock, phone, car clock, etc, to California time even though I was in New York. I would fantasize over what it would be like to drop everything and move to Canada without telling anyone. I would also fantasize about killing myself and dying alone in the woods somewhere, but that didn't seem right or make any sense either considering I had spent so much energy trying to get better.

I was mad - all the time. I was sad - all the time. I felt like everything I had done for myself had gone to waste over taking a stupid antibiotic for a minor UTI that probably would have gone away on its own. It was awful. PTSD is awful.

A lot of that is very personal and challenging to read, but that's what happened. Getting floxed was one thing. Overcoming my mental status after getting floxed was an entirely different thing to wrestle with.

And who would blame me? I literally lost everything that I worked so hard for.

After a year or so of being afraid to leave my house, packing my car with all my stuff and promising to finally drive back home to California, yelling and screaming and burning everything I owned as a kid in a fire pit next to my parents' house (it was very cathartic, actually, and I highly recommend as long as you're not hurting anyone), I found a really incredible therapist who specialized in PTSD.

After about 7 or 8 months of hardcore brainspotting and EMDR therapy, I was fearless. My body felt better. My brain felt better. Now, finally, I am healed.

I started doing all the things I've always wanted to do, but felt like I would do it "at some point." We all have bucket lists that we expect to do "eventually." Here was part of my list:

1. Learn how to ski telemark
2. Start a beehive
3. Learn circus arts
4. Write and publish a book

All of it seemed so simple to do after I had been through hell, but before I was floxed, it seemed like too much effort. After getting floxed, I felt like I could do anything! Nothing seemed as scary as getting floxed. I'm not sure anything could ever be scarier than what I went through as a floxie. That's why I want to help people and get the word out as best as I can. The new "fearless" perk is cool and all, but not being floxed in the first place probably would have been a lot better.

In addition, if you are a floxie, Dr. Charles Bennett of the University of South Carolina has recently opened up a genetic study. Check it out here if you are interested in participating.

Have a great weekend!

Best,

Michelle
Floxie, Director, and Producer of 'Floxed'
#nonewfloxies #floxeddoc

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