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Today's newsletter addresses a phenomenon that is confusing and disturbing to many parents and early childhood providers alike: children laughing, refusing to make eye contact, running away, covering their ears or engaging in other evasive behaviors when grownups are trying to talk to them about their misbehavior. It usually results in the adults, already triggered by the child’s hurtful actions, becoming harsh and punitive, blurting out shaming responses along the lines of, “What is wrong with you? Do you think hurting your friends is funny?” Parents feel especially mortified and worried, wondering how they could be raising a child who does not appear to feel bad about hurting others, or worse, who gains pleasure from it.
Herein lies one of the most challenging aspects of childrearing: we adults tend to interpret children’s behavior through the lens of logic. In this case, a child laughing or being evasive In other ways while being corrected means he has no empathy (and may be a budding sociopath, worries some parents). But we cannot ascribe adult logic to children’s behavior. While their actions may seem irrational and disturbing at face value, when you look at them from the child’s perspective they often make a lot of sense and can help you respond in ways that are both sensitive and effective.
The root cause
What often drives these reactions are uncomfortable feelings of shame that children are trying to avoid. Shame is a very difficult emotion. Laughing and other avoidant behaviors are all knee-jerk responses to discomfort. They are reactive responses and don't mean that the child lacks empathy or feelings. The opposite is often the case. Children who engage in this kind of behavior tend to be more intense reactors from a temperamental perspective; they experience and process feelings very deeply and thus have a harder time learning to manage them. They are overwhelmed when faced with a parent or other adult who is expressing anger and disappointment. Laughter, turning/running away, covering ears and the like are coping mechanisms, albeit socially unacceptable ones, that provide protection and relief when they are flooded with difficult emotions.
What is the best way to respond in these moments?
If your child laughs, sticks out his tongue or covers his ears, ignore it. Telling him to stop or asking him why he is doing this only reinforces these responses. Plus, kids don’t know why they are reacting in this way. If your child is turning away, don't try to force him to make eye contact. You can't actually make him look you in the eye, so this can turn into a power struggle and divert attention away from the incident at hand. If your child runs away, approach him calmly and hold him securely but lovingly.
Address the underlying issue: “You were frustrated and reacted with your body. You lost control. I know you don’t want to hurt your friends. We’ll work together on finding other ways to deal with frustration.” Labeling a child as being purposefully hurtful when it’s almost always impulsive only leads to her internalizing that she is a “bad” child which results in more, not less, acting-out behavior. The more shamed a child feels, the less likely she is to accept and ultimately reflect on her feelings.
What about making kids say “sorry”? I am not a fan of trying to force kids to do this for several reasons: 1) It falls into the category of things you cannot actually make your child do, so it can lead to a protracted power struggle when your child resists saying a mea culpa; and, 2) Children often comply with the adult's direction to say "sorry" but it is devoid of any meaning. Instead, once the incident is over, talk with your child about how his actions affect others--without shaming or judgment--to limit the chance he will shut down. Frame it that being unkind with his words or actions is not just hurtful to the other child, it's not good for him because it makes others have negative or uncomfortable feelings about him. That's why you are going to help him find other ways to express his feelings. (When we just focus on the aggrieved child it can lead to more defensiveness and shutting down.) Then give him choices: he can say "sorry," he can take action to make it better—for example by helping to rebuild the tower that he knocked down, he can offer a comforting gesture, or, he can dictate a note or draw a picture to give to the child. Choices reduce defiance.
Approaching these incidents calmly and dispassionately, without shaming and indicting the child, makes it less likely that she will rely on avoidance and evasion and more likely that she will learn to express her emotions in acceptable ways. After all, that is the ultimate goal.
Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than 18 years, where she oversaw the development of all parenting educational content.
Claire has been a practicing clinician for over 30 years, partnering with parents to understand the behavior and development of their young children. In addition, she provides consultation and training to local preschools and pediatric residents.