How To Establish Routines while Also Helping Kids Be Flexible

Several parents have recently posed a question I imagine many moms and dads struggle with: how to balance the importance of establishing routines while also ensuring that their children can be flexible and cope when a routine is disturbed or the unexpected happens. They are finding that their kids have become so conditioned to and dependent on routines that they fall apart when there is a break in the plan. For example, when mommy can't do school pickup and grandma shows up instead. Or, when they have to skip the bath and go straight to books at bedtime because they had a late afternoon activity that set them back.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the parents who have asked me about this also happen to have children who typically have a hard time with transitions and change. Their kids thrive on knowing exactly what to expect. As soon as something unexpected happens, they can't cope and melt down. For example, 4-year-old, Clayton, who went full-throttle when he saw that his mom, Natasha, had parked across the street from the school at pick-up, not on the school-side where she usually parks. Clayton would not hold Natasha’s hand to cross the street. He sat on the sidewalk and refused to budge.

How to find this balance?

Establish regular daily routines. All kids benefit from knowing what to expect. It makes the world manageable and helps them prepare for what is coming next. Routines make children feel safe and secure.

Let your child know that routines may sometimes be disrupted. For example, there may be nights when you only have time to read two books before bed, and others when you may be able to add a book. While Nana is almost always able to walk him to his classroom in the mornings, there may be times when Nana can’t find a parking spot and has to drop him off with a teacher who will take him into school. Or, while you know his favorite bowl is the red one, there may be times when it’s dirty and the cereal he loves will be in blue bowl, instead.

Let your child know that you understand he doesn't like the unexpected. But, these things happen and you will help him learn to cope in those moments.

When you are aware a change in routine will be taking place, provide your child some advance notice.  For example, that daddy, who usually reads the books at bedtime, won't be home until after lights-out. Or, that a different caregiver will be coming the following week because their regular caregiver will be on vacation. 

Expect protests, even when the change is seemingly minor. Change triggers feelings of being out of control, which is uncomfortable, especially for kids who have a very strong need to be in control. They are acting on their emotions because that is what young children do!

Avoid the natural impulse to try to minimize or talk your child out of her feelings. It discounts her experience and can increase, versus decrease, her distress. Instead, acknowledge her displeasure with the change in plans. “I know you expected daddy to read books tonight and you are disappointed. I completely understand how you feel." Stay calm and positive and move forward with book-reading, even if she is still protesting and not listening. This shows your child that you understand her and will remain loving and present as she works through her upset. It also shows her that you have confidence that she can adapt to this change. 

Remind your child of past experiences when she has adapted to changes. In the moment of the upset, kids feel like they cannot cope. Recalling times when they have managed an unexpected event reminds them that while they don’t like change, they can handle it. This builds their resilience—their belief in themselves as being capable of managing typical life stresses.

When your child has a meltdown over an unexpected event, be empathetic while helping him manage the change. Here’s how Natasha responded when Clayton refused to cooperate with getting into the car because it was parked in a different place than he expected:

• She stayed calm despite the seeming insanity of Clayton’s response.

• She told Clayton that she knows that he doesn’t like it when things don’t happen the way he expects and she will help him cope.

• She gave him two choices: he could hold her hand to cross the street and get into the car or she would be a helper and carry him.

• Clayton continued to dig in his heels so Natasha picked him up as calmly and lovingly as possible to take him to the car. She avoided responding to his protests and instead just started talking about what books they could read when they got home. This showed Clayton that she wasn’t angry and was still loving and connected; and, that she would not be drawn into a power struggle. She had acknowledged his upset and at the same time was helping him experience that he could survive it.

This is how children eventually learn to cope in these moments and build the resilience they need to adapt when things don’t go the way they want or expect.

To read more about how to help children learn to be flexible and adaptable, check out this blog.