As I observe things , it seems to me that we are losing the art/ability to disagree over issues and yet maintain a civil and healthy relationship with those whom we disagree. This is true in politics, in the market place, in the home and in the church; too much polarization going on. Steve Graves shares some helpful thoughts on “The Art of Disagreeing.”
It can
happen at dinner with family, or chatting with friends at the gym, or maybe
just making small talk with a co-worker. Someone registers an opinion or point
of view. The chit chat turns up a notch.
Before
long, though, it becomes increasingly clear that everyone doesn’t quite see eye
to eye. One party gets defensive, another gets critical, and a third tries to
play the role of the Swiss by changing the subject. Voices start to rise in
pitch and volume until someone frustratingly demands, “How can you think that?”
A lost art
It
seems that we have collectively lost the ability to disagree well. Maybe we
never really had it, but it’s certainly gone missing. Gone are the skills of
nuanced thinking, thoughtful debate, and empathetic listening. The desire to
place oneself in someone else’s shoes or even to “agree to disagree” seems like
a distant memory. Now, it seems that we just want to be right. If someone
disagrees with us, we simply shout louder, as if volume was what our point was
lacking.
Perhaps
more troubling still is that it seems Christians aren’t any better at
disagreeing than any other group. Facing unimaginably complex issues of race,
economics, and foreign policy, each side has dug in their heels and declared
their position as the only reasonable option.
We
may tell ourselves that our obstinacy is a result of our firm convictions. “We
know what we believe and we’re passionate about it. Isn’t that a good thing?”
Perhaps, but lately I seem to have encountered fewer passionate individuals
debating persuasively and far more arrogant bullies shouting obnoxiously. And
that is an incredibly important distinction. While the former breeds deeper
understanding and gives birth to real collaboration, the latter does little but
create isolated ideologues, certain of their rightness and utterly alone.
Today,
perhaps more than ever, it is critical that we learn the art and skill of disagreeing
well. The stakes are too high in too many arenas for us to simply dig in our
heels and cross our arms.
Poverty,
health care, gender issues, climate change, sexuality, race, gun control,
disease, foreign policy, economics, aging…
In hopes of a more effective dialogue in all arenas, here are a few thoughts on how we might disagree more fruitfully.
1. Distinguish between
essentials and non-essentials –
“In essentials unity. In
non-essentials liberty. In all things charity.”
While
you’ll often hear these words invoked, especially in church settings, it seems
that we often entirely miss the point in at least two significant ways. First,
we fail to notice that in distinguishing between the essential and the
non-essential, the author is clearly stating that everything is NOT essential.
To put it another way, we don’t have to take a stand and demand agreement about
everything. Some things are that important, but most are not. Historically,
Christians have done a lousy job telling the difference. We’ve been just as
likely to cause a schism over style of music or clothes we wear as we were over
the nature of Christ’s divinity. Only one of those is essential.
Second,
we tend to nod along to the last part of the statement, and then quickly forget
it as soon as someone disagrees with us. “In all things charity” means that
regardless of the issue or the stance, we still respond with love. We may
rightly disagree, and we may pray for changed hearts, but we never react with
hate.
2. Show some humility –
You
aren’t right about everything. In fact, some of your opinions are foolish. They
are the result of bad information and unconscious prejudices. Don’t worry,
though, the same is true for all of us. It doesn’t mean we are bad people, but
it does mean that we should stop pretending that we’re the final word on
everything from theology to economic theory. Almost weekly I read something
that makes me feel really uninformed and ignorant.
The
longer I’ve lived, and the more I’ve read, studied, and interacted, the more
I’ve realized that there are absolutely brilliant, devout, wonderful people who
disagree with me. They don’t disagree because they are less pious or less
intelligent, they simply see things differently. Not better or worse, just
differently. When we wall ourselves off from those who think differently from
us, this is an easy point to forget. We can very quickly begin to deride our
opponents as if they were simply a set of beliefs, rather than a human being
with inherent dignity. “In all things charity.”
3. Expand your circle of
friends –
The
individuals that I’ve encountered who are most arrogantly sure of their
opinions, who most acutely lack empathy, all have one thing in common: they are
surrounded by people who look exactly like them and who think exactly like they
do.
Our
context, our experiences, and our perspectives represent only a tiny sliver of
the reality God has chosen to reveal. To learn how to agree to disagree and
still be friends, we might have to expand our circle of friends.
I
realize this blog may seem an odd departure for me. I thought this was a topic
worth tackling. I write it in hope for a better future.
