There's a baseball stadium here in the U.S. that was built over a hundred years ago, and didn't even have lights until 1988. It's called Wrigley Field (yes, the name of the gum company), and it's home to the Chicago Cubs.
Another name for this ballpark is "The Friendly Confines.'' Hall-of-Fame Cubs player Ernie Banks gave it that nickname over 50 years ago, presumably because it's...well, it's cozy. As in the way a tiny apartment is cozy.
Wrigley field is Small, relative to other stadiums, and the seats were built and configured very closely together (back before we all, shall we say, got larger. It's such a unique park that fans love cramming in together to catch a ballgame. (I once sat in the outfield bleachers next to five men who had missed a total of 10 games between them in 35 years.)
But none of those fans would want to live there. Quarantined. For God knows how long.
Welcome to the forseeable future, folks. Look around you at the walls, the furniture, and the family you're stuck with until our invisible viral visitor is gone. Welcome to your own "Friendly Confines."
I, for one, am already struggling. We're only starting the second week, and up until yesterday it was just me and Jenny. Now our 20yo son is back with us, after being sent home from college, and our little townhome in the city just got a lot more “cozy."
But I cannot imagine trying to do this with toddlers in the house. Or teenagers. Those days were difficult back then...but now?
So my fellow human fans, how are we gonna do this? Yes, the health concerns are frightening, and the economic realities are perhaps, just as scary, but our greatest resource as human beings has always been, and may always be, family. Life can't happen without it, and life doesn't mean much without the family connections of blood, history, marriage, and commitment.
At the risk of sounding alarmist and reactive (my greatest fear as a writer), I'm concerned most for our families. Too much togetherness is as great a threat to our relational health as too much separation. Perhaps even more. Why?
The same reason communism doesn't work, that's why--we're individuals. Individuals thrive with personal agency and some measure of self-determination. And thriving systems are the ones who balance the unity of the group with the innovation of the individual. Great families are the ones whose love for everyone's shared traits is matched by its respect for everyone's individual uniqueness.
So, in this time of unprecedented family confinement, how can we preserve the individual space that makes relationships great? Here are some principles to guide us:
1. It’s hard to get along if we can never be alone. Regardless of the size of your confines, and regardless of whether the weather is awful, and regardless of how much screentime it takes, everyone has to have alone time. Take a break and walk the dog (still permitted in lockdown). Bring a book or a movie or a video game into bed. Find a flashlight and go into the closet, if that’s what it takes. Try not to let yourself or anyone else go into hiding forever, but don’t insist on everyone doing everything together. Which leads to...
2. Not everyone has to participate in all the family activities. While it’s good to encourage some all-in-this-together games, or movies, try not to enforce it 100% of the time. Individual choices are vital to protect, because that’s how we get what we want most: people choosing to be together because they genuinely want to.
3. When it comes to cleaning, break it into small chunks. My good friend David Blackwell taught me this back when the kids were little: “Everyone, we just need a good 15 minutes.” Set a timer to clean the kitchen, or the bathrooms, and say to yourself: "Whatever gets done during the 15 minutes gets done. Whatever doesn’t, doesn’t." Jenny and I did this with our kids throughout their childhoods, and I cannot remember a time we didn’t complete our task in that laser-focused group mission.
4. Space is not just spatial. Perhaps greater than all the above, we have to allow emotional space to feel whatever an individual is feeling. None of us are going to be feeling anxiety at the exact same time and intensity (thankfully). None of us are going to be seeing the silver linings, or even searching for them, in the same way. Allow everyone in your cozy confines to feel what they feel. This doesn’t mean allowing them to act out those feelings upon others without consequences; it just means the leaders of the family have to appreciate everyone’s need to feel and deal.
5. Great teamwork is built playing one-on-one. The strength of every team is fortified in its one-on-one relationships. Ask soldiers what keeps them fighting more than anything, regardless the danger…it’s the soldiers next to them. Use this time to strengthen one-on-one connections by inviting one kid to do a project with you, or protecting two siblings’ right to play a game without the other one. Again, these are not great for every game, but encourage them as much as you do all the togetherness time.
Cubs fans absolutely love their ballpark, as cozy and crowded as possible. Their common purpose (and common enemy) bring them together like few civic events can. As we all hunker down in our own Friendly Confines for the foreseeable future, battling our own common enemy, let’s all remember that togetherness and individuality are what makes relationships strong.
Pandemic survival begins with a pause,
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