4 Years - 8 Insights
Is doing cross-cultural work the same as living through a pandemic? Surprisingly, YES, in several ways. Here are 8 quick insights we have learned after 4 years of separation from family and friends state side.
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#1 Shared Experiences:
Many of you are feeling tremendous grief and sadness over the cancellation of senior year activities, class trips, or school club traditions.
What we have learned: As a parent you are not only grieving the experience for your child, but the loss of the shared experience for yourself. When our kids achieve cultural milestones, it conjures up memories of our own milestones and we relate their experience to our own. When those cultural milestones are disrupted, then the shared experience becomes disrupted. I have shed many tears over the tailgates we do not attend, the dances that will not happen, and the graduation ceremony that will not be walked. What I have found is that culture has a way of reconciling itself. Your child and you will not be able to create the shared experience, but a new thing will be produced by culture and it will be surprisingly and differently beautiful.
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#2 Missed Life Events:
We have watched graduations, funerals, holidays, and birthday parties over FaceTime or Skype for four years.
What we have learned: It is not about the day of the event it is about the celebration of the person. It makes those times when you do see each other have more quality. Allow yourself to be sad and get off the video call when you are emotionally drained. No one ever said, “If something is emotionally harmful – stick with it.” When I hugged my nephew goodbye at the end of summer 2018, I gave him 2 hugs. 1 for goodbye and the 2nd for graduation the following summer. Quality starts to over take quantity.
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#3 Let Them Walk Out of the Room:
Each one of my kids feels different about video chats with family. One child loves them, one child starts showing out to get all the attention, and for one child it brings about great sadness because it reminds him of how much he misses people.
What we have learned: It is ok for him to leave the room. It is healthier for him to guard his heart than to force him to participate. He always starts the call with us, but he knows his limits and we trust him. Giving kids space to be their own-selves with their emotions is more important than your desire that everyone participate.
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#4 Yeah Duck and Yuck Duck:
Life is a paradox or like we say, “Life is a pair of ducks.” With every decision we make we get out our two rubber ducks. Their names are Yeah Duck and Yuck Duck.
What we have learned: It is important to talk about the yeah and yuck of the decision, cancellation, or idea for a plan we are making. When this isolation is over, we each still have a yeah and yuck as we move into “Life After the Pandemic”. Talk about it. Process it. We have all experienced a major event that has both Yeah and Yuck.
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#5 Be Sad When You're Sad:
Being separated from family and friends is sad, but not everyone in your family is going to be sad at the same time.
What we have learned: We live very present in our emotions. Talk about it with your kids. Just because they are not on the same timing as you does not mean the timing of their emotion is wrong.
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#6 Just Call:
Our kids play games with their cousins, we open Christmas gifts over Skype, and we let grandparents call out the spelling words (send a picture prior to the call – then grandma is set up to help).
What we learned: Sometimes it is not the length of the call that matters. Grabbing a quick hello while making dinner counts as connection, too. Don’t wait for the perfect time to call – just call. And any game with rolling dice is easier to play over air waves than one with a board…in our opinion.
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#7 Flexible Grocery Supplies:
While in America, I would go to the grocery store with my list of needs for the week and walk out of the store with everything on my list. German grocery stores work a little differently. Not everything is always “in season”, “fully stocked”, or “on demand ready.”
What I have learned: I go to the grocery store with an idea of what I want to cook for the week, but I am flexible when things are not in stock or missing. We now eat simpler meals, eat more fresh vegetables, and sometimes get a surprise when our favorite dessert shows up on a shelf.
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#8 Give Them an Activity:
When my kids were younger, I would seat them at the kitchen table with Legos, a coloring book, or their playdough and then call a grandparent.
What we learned: When kids have something to keep them busy, they tend to stay around for the call longer, the grandparent has something to talk about, and the interaction is richer.
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