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The Two Best Phrases a Leader Can Say

Today we reveal the very best phrase we humans can say to one another. And…it’s a tie. These two phrases are interrelated, of course, but they are also two distinct expressions.


First: “I apologize.” 

"I don’t want you to excuse my behavior, tell me it’s okay, and otherwise soothe the awkwardness between us because of my behavior. I want you to consider my actions, hold me accountable for what I’ve done to you, and bravely choose to forgive me. 

I know this is a lot to ask. I know my behavior was careless, or reckless, or downright cruel. I can tell you a number of reasons I did this, and those reasons might help explain why I chose to do what I did. But none of those reasons, or context, can excuse my behavior.
(see yesterday’s Pause)

I am truly sorrowful for what I’ve done, and I know I’m asking a lot. You may not want to talk about this, or even see me ever again. I understand. I would like you to simply know how sorry I am that I hurt you, and how much I regret my actions."


Notice what words are not in that quote: 

--There's no "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "I'm sorry you feel that way." These are, at best, passive-aggressive ways to appear humble without accepting blame. At worst, they are just denials about what you did or the effects of what you did. What you're really feeling sorry about is self-pity over feeling the pressure to apologize. 

--There's also no "but" anywhere in the apology above, nor should there ever be in your apologies. "I'm sorry, but your behavior..." or "I'm sorry, but you also need to recognize..." Whenever we "yes, but" an apology, we might as well spell it "butt," because that's what we're really calling the other person for "making" us apologize.


Second, “I forgive you.”

[This phrase does not have to wait for another person's apology. It can come years later, or it can even precede it. We can forgive someone before they ask for it, or even if they never ask for it.]

"I want you to know what you did to me, how I see it, and how it impacted me. Your behavior was painful, and I am not exactly sure what our relationship will look like in the future, but I want you to know I forgive you.

I promise to do my best to no longer hold this particular offense against you. This will be hard, and I’m sure I won’t do it perfectly—I may in fact, in my weakness, let it burn into a resentment, and then I’ll have to ask you to forgive me.

In the meantime, please know I forgive you, and because I do, I have no need to ever bring up this incident again, unless you would like to."


These are all big, expressive words to convey these truthful phrases. But it doesn’t have to look exactly like this.

It can even look like this:

“Dude, that was so uncool.”
“Yeah man, I’m sorry ‘bout that. My bad.”
“Well, don’t do it again, okay?”
“Promise. We cool?”
“Yep. We cool.”



The best, most mature, and most trustworthy leaders in the world will consistently and quickly apologize for their mistakes and hurtful actions. They will also acknowledge when others hurt them, and bravely choose to not hold those actions against the other person forever.

In both of these occasions, the best leaders will also recognize their hurtful actions may ruin a relationship. They also recognize forgiving someone does not mean continuing a close relationship with them. 


My guess is you'll have opportunities to say both of these phrases this weekend. Do it. 


Peace begins with a pause,

 


 




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