The 3rd best thing a leader can say is not something we say to others; this phrase is best reserved for saying to ourselves.
In fact, it's more a formula than a phrase: “I feel (insert adjective here).”
There’s a lot of data out there suggesting over 90% of our decisions are directed by our emotions at the moment, not our principles. And most of the time, we’re not clearly aware of the emotions driving those decisions at the time.
People in recovery have learned this. AA folks have a saying: "If you can name it, you can tame it." Emotions are amazing servants, but terrible masters, so learning to tame your emotions and get them to serve you is a worthy lifelong task.
"I feel ____________" helps you do just that. Note that there is only one blank to fill in. That blank can only accept one word, and one word only. That’s how you know what you’re naming is actually a feeling.
I feel...neglected.
I feel...appreciated
I feel happy.
I feel distraught.
One word, and one word only. Anything more and you’re describing something other than a feeling. “I feel like killing that guy” is not the expression of an emotion. That is stating a reaction to the emotion. “I feel enraged” is actually what’s going on.
Try it right this minute. Start with this simple organizer: Do you feel sad, mad, bad or glad?
Now continue to specify:
Sad? That could be broken-hearted, lonely, disappointed, neglected...
Mad? That could be frustrated, enraged, vengeful, betrayed, resentful...
Bad? That could be discouraged, scared, anxious, rejected, disgusted...
Glad? That could be hopeful, grateful, excited, happy, loving, content, peaceful, overjoyed...
Of course, you could be feeling a combination of these things. If so, just start with "I feel conflicted." Then identify how many different feelings seem to be competing inside: "Part of me feels anxious about my family not getting along during this lockdown, but part of me feels grateful for all this time together."
Notice we’re not saying I am angry, or I am lonely, or I am happy. These are statements of identity, and they are simply not true. We do not embody our emotions, we feel them. And therefore we can tame them.
To be a leader of any intentional influence, we need to recognize our emotions first and foremost. That way they're not driving us around all over the place without our permission.
Peace begins with a pause,
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