The Candle of Joy

Week Three - Day Seventeen

Choose Joy

by Molly Totoro

In March 2015, I volunteered to lead 38 parents and students on a two-week adventure through Europe: London – Paris – Florence – Rome – Capri – Venice. While I’ve traveled to London and Paris before, Italy remained a bucket list item for at least twenty years. Giddy does not begin to describe my frame of mind.
 
One week before departure I received an irate phone call from my son. The details of the conversation are not important, but suffice it to say, he was angry with his parents and wanted nothing to do with us. I was devastated. He misunderstood our intentions and now I thought our relationship was forever ruined.
 
I wanted to cancel the trip. I was in no mood to enjoy myself. I needed to stay home and try to fix the problem. But I was the tour leader so canceling was not an option.
 
Instead, I spent the first half of the trip going through the motions. I put on my teacher face when dealing with the students, and I sulked when alone. The overcast skies of London and Paris mirrored my emotional state.
 
On day five of the trip, we took an overnight train from Paris to Florence. While the sleeping accommodations were rustic, to say the least, the excitement of arriving in Italy took over. For everyone but me.
 
All I could think about was the promise we made to our children years ago: a family trip to the Totoro home country. Now I feared that dream would never become a reality because my family was falling apart.
 
I moped around the Basilica of San Miniato al Monte. The beautiful vista views of Florence’s red-tile roofs did nothing to improve my mood. I nibbled my scoop of mango gelato that everyone claimed was the best they ever had. I dragged my feet as we toured the Duomo and crossed the Ponte Vecchio. The shone brightly but did not permeate my dreary mindset.
 
The end of the tour took us the Piazza Della Signoria. Italian cafes surrounded the cobblestone square. The Uffizi Gallery, which houses the masterpieces of such famous painters as Botticelli, Michelangelo, and Rafael, was just steps away. The Loggia dei Lanzi, with its large pillars, open arches, and stone steps, beckoned all tourists to sit, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
 
In that moment I realized I had a choice. I was 5,000 miles from home. I could do nothing to repair the relationship with my son at this time. And while I wanted to return to Italy some day, there was no guarantee.

Did I want to miss what could be my only chance to enjoy this fabulous country? The answer was no. I would instead choose joy despite bitter circumstances.
 
My son did not steal my joy. I willingly gave it over. I blamed him for my melancholy rather than accept responsibility for my emotional response.
 
I may have wasted time in London and Paris but I was not going to waste one more minute of this Italian adventure. I opened my eyes to see the beauty of the country; I opened my spirit to accept the passionate culture; I opened my mouth to feast upon the delicious cuisine.
 
When I arrived back in Kansas, the melancholy returned with a vengeance. I succumbed to depression for a few days but soon realized that did no good. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I chose to cultivate the practice of Gratitude.
 
Each morning I began the day by giving thanks for five specific joys in life. I struggled to name five in the beginning, but I was determined to find joy in the midst of the darkness.
 
Rather than look at the big picture, I began to look at the small, everyday details of life. I gave thanks for the cardinal outside the window. I was grateful for the perfectly ripe Honeycrisp apple. I praised indoor plumbing.
 
After two weeks my sorrow subsided. My son still wasn’t speaking to me, but I could understand his perspective. I was willing to give him space. I knew we would eventually work things out. And we did.
 
Joy and happiness, I discovered, are not synonymous. Happiness is dependent upon circumstances, which are often outside our control. Happiness is tied to an expectation, a specific end result.
 
Joy, on the other hand, comes from within. It is our response to the circumstance (which we can control) rather than the circumstance itself. Joy is tied to hope that all will work out in the end. We may not know how, but we are secure that whatever happens, it will be for the best.
 
Choose Joy.

With love,

Molly Totoro