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Emails. Comments. Blog posts. Tweets. Phone calls. Emojis. Meetings. Family gatherings. Interventions. Silence.
From parents, bosses, colleagues, friends, lovers and random people on the internet.
There are more ways to give feedback than we can count on the spot. In fact, we often get more feedback than we can handle. Truth be told, most of us suck at receiving feedback and we're only slightly better at giving it, provided we try to improve at this.
For this week and the next, I've chosen to write about how we give feedback (I) and how we receive it (II).
Why? Because I strongly believe that this is one of the most important pathways to growth in every aspect of our lives.
In the last 2 years, I've consistently made giving and receiving feedback a priority and it's made a huge difference for me.
It all started with this book from the altMBA: Thanks for the feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.
The people who read it can swear by this book, myself included. It can make a great present for yourself and others. I guarantee that it'll change your perspective *and* give you the tools to apply what you learn.
This book is a keeper and worth reading again and again.
Here's what I learned from it, from Seth (Godin, of course), mentors, smart people on the internet and from practicing the stuff I deemed worthwhile.
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TYPES OF FEEDBACK:
- appreciation - "thanks"
- coaching - "here's a better way to do it"
- evaluation - "here's where you stand"
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There are many nuances to feedback and often that's just what we miss to notice.
We sometimes fear giving feedback for the same reason we're scared to receive it:
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"Identity is the story we tell ourselves about who we are and what the future holds for us, and when critical feedback is incoming, that story is under attack."
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That's why I believe there's a lot of value in understanding how to break down feedback and how to give meaningful, helpful one that helps others and yourself grow.
When I look back at my own experience, there are a few essential things that this process gave me:
- context - as I mentioned in previous newsletters, I try to be acutely aware that our brain oversimplifies things and escape this; feedback is a rich way of getting more information that you might otherwise miss
- perspective - a new way frame situations and decisions that sometimes turned my view of things on its head (those a-ha! moments are priceless!); new, unexpected possibilities emerged as a result
- objectivity - by better understanding the context and by changing my perspective I managed to reach a higher level of objectivity which is sometimes difficult to achieve in a vacuum, wrestling with your mind; feedback-focused conversations are excellent for stimulating critical thinking which invites more objectivity into your mental models
- clarity - by answering questions in these conversations I got to peel away until I reached the essential (What is it for? Who is it for?); context, perspective, and objectivity are also prerequisites for clarity and sharpness of mind
- connection - when discussing feedback without fear of judgment, you can build bridges between people, the like you rarely anticipate (this Heineken ad from 2014 is an excellent example).
When giving feedback, I strive to distinguish between the 3 types mentioned above. Knowing why I'm doing it immediately clarifies what I should focus on.
For example, at work, I had one to one sessions with my manager and mentor while also having them with each member in my team.
These sessions were led by them (or me, in the former case) and often included a mix of appreciation and coaching.
Evaluation sessions were separated, so we always knew where we stand and what we're discussing. That level of alignment created a safe space for us to talk about our vulnerabilities and our hopes, without fear of judgment. It also helped us further cultivate a growth mindset.
As a manager, this is one of the best things you can do for your team. I've seen it work wonders in my case and I've also observed this working with friends and, rarely, even family.
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"Explicit disagreement is better than implicit misunderstanding."
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Here are some ways to look at giving feedback:
- give it from a place of empathy - this is not for criticizing;
- give it from a place of curiosity - ask questions and seek to understand the context + this is not for evaluation;
- give it in a way that's helpful - observe the person you give feedback to, how they talk, how they react and try to help them explore what they're scared of or what they cannot articulate yet:
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Seth Godin on Giving feedback in the altMBA
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"What I want instead of your opinion is your analysis.
Analysis is a lot harder than opinion because everyone is entitled to his or her own taste (regardless of how skewed it might be). A faulty analysis, however, is easy to dismantle."
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"Thanks for the feedback" is chockful* of practical advice on how to:
- structure a conversation for giving feedback
- set boundaries by providing context
- build accountability and create action plans
- "unpack judgment from evaluation"
- develop a fair and useful evaluation.
*I learned this word from the Gilmore Girls. Lorelai would be proud.
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"Effective assertion hinges on a key mindset shift: you aren't seeking to persuade the giver that you are right. You're not trying to replace their truth with your truth. Instead, you're adding what's "left out". And what's most often left out is your data, your interpretations and your feelings."
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These last weeks of the year are always a period of intense evaluation of both ourselves and others, so I hope this newsletter comes at a good time for you.
Don't forget to be kind towards yourself and others,
Andra
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