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As I sat in my numbness this past Monday evening, I found myself delving into my notebook again. I would call it a journal, but it takes on many forms. A place for tiny reminders, to do lists, poems and attempts at getting creative. Regardless of its label, I found myself writing about my darkness, cursive in turquoise sharpie. Darkness is pretty regular in my notebooks, it’s what I feel most often, and it is what I most often cannot speak of out loud. This feels like it may take a turn into the narrative of ‘not enough places to talk suicide’, and it was where I initially intended to go in my notebook entry, but my thoughts took a turn. I’ve talked about my thoughts and attempts of suicide and I’d like to think I’ve processed what suicide means to me and how I navigate it.
What my darkness brought me tonight was a realization that I will likely never be able to process what has happened to me in life. Even more specifically, process what has happened to me with the people who were around at the time and remain in my life in active roles by my choosing. I had an experience the other day that was retraumatizing, and I found myself in days after reliving memories that I had forgotten lay buried within myself. I wanted to reach out to someone to talk about these horrific memories and chose not to because I felt confident that I would find no comfort. That there would likely be damage to both sides of the relationship with no growth to show for it. This is something I face on the regular when reliving memories of harm caused to me, whether well intentioned or not.

 
What my darkness brought me tonight was a question: “Is it possible to heal and live life amongst those who have harmed you without processing it together?” If posed this question with little context I would expect an answer of ‘not likely’, but it has not been a simple path for myself. So much harm that was caused to me was done with the best of intentions, and it has been so long since the bulk of it occurred that I barely remember it without something causing me to. I’ve made it through recent years with very few flashbacks, but as my cognitive abilities return and I find myself reading books left and right, I also find my memories flooding back on a more regular basis. This has been debilitating some days, leaving me shaking, nauseous, jumpy and irritable. I want nothing more than to just bury these memories back down, but I know better, I know that I need to process them.
But can I? The bulk of the harm has been done by someone I love and care about very much, I was convinced I forgave them. I do forgive them…I forgive them so much that I don’t want to cause them harm by asking them to relive their side of the pain and harm. I forgive them so much that I don’t blame them for making the choices that they did. I know deep down that discussing what happened will destroy what we have rebuilt of our relationship, but then I ask, have I done this on false pretenses? Is this real or superficial? Do we need to talk about this to truly rebuild our relationship, or can I heal without processing it together? Will more harm or healing be done by talking through this?
I don’t have the resolution, what I am sharing with you all is the raw vulnerability of what I am facing in my current life amongst the many other aspects I am navigating. My hope in sharing this piece of darkness I am facing is to come to you all in solidarity. To share a piece of myself and offer an opportunity to relate and reflect together. To pose the question to you all: “Is it possible to heal and live life amongst those who have harmed you without processing it together?”
As of right now, I do think it’s possible, but my viewpoint is bound to evolve. Regardless, I thank you for reading until the end and l appreciate your time.
In Solidarity             
Jillian Aucoin
In My Space

When you come into my house
Please remember not to stir my mouse
I’ll show you my rooms
But may not want to share with you my tombs
At least until we’ve shared many moons
This house  is pleasant outside
As there are no dents in the siding
For it’s my basement I may not wish to confide in
The grass and shrubs are worked on seasonally
The flowers like love appear so freely
As we try not to cover them with what’s forlorn
When the weeds sprout up, we pluck them out
So that when meanings move forward without a doubt
We extract their meaning and find the hope
Of a life long lived without a moat
Of what has yet been told before we’re old
It’s nice to share when we become aware
That sometimes thoughts they sure do scare
And you are there to listen and hear
When we talk you make it an incredible bond
So that at those times there is no sound
But songs sung eagerly by the birdie
When suddenly understanding is really early
As we look through pictures of past times
Your stories sort of rime like mine
As we suddenly see it as a sign
To share your ruts like mine a must
So it’s you now I begin to trust
When mutual feelings heal the rust
Now that you’ve seen my very soul
It’s dreams of passion not so stole
So explore now for what you feel, see, and need
In order to plant no ordinary seed
That will grow and grow without a weed
To sprout up flowers with healing showers
That protect our feelings beyond the hours
To see now that you’re in my space
Those times now are not such a waste
When we’re sure now not to move with haste


Doreen Shane 10/15/18
Critical Issues in History and Their Implications for Today 
Institutionalized Fear and The Power of Nonviolent Dissent:
Peaceful Deviance in an Age of Fear

By: Richard Donald
 
     The phenomenon of misplaced fear in American culture is not uncommon, asserts Sociologist Barry Glassner, author of The Culture of Fear: Why Americans Are Afraid Of The Wrong Things. From overblown crime statistics to exaggerated germ scares to plane wrecks, a wide array of groups – including business, advocacy organizations, religious sects, and political parties – benefit and profit from promoting fear. Glassner’s book, at its essence, raises important questions about how misbegotten fears find their way into the public psyche through a process driven by power and money (as cited in de Boer, 2002).
     In post-911 America, we live in a culture of fear; people in power use scar tactics to intimidate citizens into an over-reliance on government officials, law enforcement agencies, and corporations for their physical and financial securities. One way they accomplish this is by promoting illegitimate fears of increasing crime rates, especially so-called street crimes (as cited in Mancionis, 2015, p. 163). Indeed, Brinkerhoff, Weitz, and Ortega have confirmed that although crime in America has significantly declined since the 1990’s, most Americans have come to believe that crime is more wide-spread than ever (p. 133). This belief in a higher prevalence of street crime has been perpetuated, in part, by law enforcement reality T.V. shows (as cited in Mancionis, 2015, p. 169). Thus, television is employed as a propaganda mechanism to persuade people in our society to fear one another, and to depend on the government sanctioned intervention for their wellbeing.
     According to Lauren de Boer, author of Beyond a Culture of Fear, scar-mongering is profitable for people in power, but is toxic to the minds of our citizens (de Boer, 2002). “It’s a campaign of fear and consumption…” said rock star, Marylyn Manson, in Michael Moore’s film, Bowling for Columbine, “…keep people afraid and they’ll consume” (as cited in de Boer, 2002). De Boer praised Moore’s file as a “…gutsy, often disturbing probe into the absurd cycle of fear prevalent in American culture today” (as cited in de Boer, 2002). It is no coincidence, claims de Boer, that our society, driven by exaggerated fear is griped by”…addictive over -consumption”(as cited in de Boer, 2002). But although this institutionalized insecurity is initially good for business, it is bad social policy; for despair that is pacified by superfluous consumerism is a latent public neurosis that eventually erodes civic solidarity (as cited in de
Boer, 2002). Therefore, the impulsive consumption of commodities to quell the fear of crime, itself, is a social problem!
     But this hysteria of despair, and the obsessive-compulsive behaviors it promotes holds our minds captive only because we allow it. We can choose to free our minds from the mass-media’s fear-promoting-hyperbole, and embody a new consciousness of peaceful empowerment. To accomplish this, we might first look for previous examples of how a collective mentality of people and diplomacy prevailed over fear-driven civil unrest, such as Gandhi’s historic salt march which ultimately lead to India’s liberation from British rule. In his book, The American Soul: Rediscovering the Wisdom of The Founders, philosopher, Jacob Needleman tells the story of an Iroquois creation myth in which The Creator sends “The Great Peacemaker” to teach the fragmented Iroquois nation how to defeat fear and inter-tribal conflict with the harmonizing power of peace (as cited in de Boer, 2002). Needleman states that the Iroquois eventually accept The Great Peacemakers message; for in it they “…glimpse something infinitely more honorable that war…” (as cited in de Boer, 2002). Thus, through diplomacy, the Iroquois war chiefs realized that true power is expressed through co-operation rather than competition, and that this power is actualized through truth rather than deceit. For evil in Native American thought is jot the anti-thesis of good; it is, instead, an ignorance of what good really consists of. de Boer mirrors this sentiment by stating that evil reflects “…the human propensity to defeat goodness by giving into despair” (as cited in de Boer, 2002). Therefore, we, the common people, must turn our minds away from the deceitful message of fear promoted through mass-media, and boldly accept our responsibility as agents of peace; only then will our society exemplify what is infinitely more noble, and powerful, than warfare!


References
Brinkerhoff, D.B., Weitz, R., and Ortega, S.T., (2014). Essentials of Sociology, Belmont Ca. USA.
Wadesworth-Cengage Learning.
De Boer, L., (2002). Beyond a Culture of Fear, website: https://www.earthlight.org/2002/essay
47-deBoer. Html.
Macionis, J.J., (2015). Social Problems, Boston Ma. USA. Pearson.
 
Born in Puerto Rico
Family always tight
Spent the rest in many places
Stability never in sight
Mom, dad, brother, and I
Moving from place to place
My grandfather passed as well as others
Causing a hollow space
It hit my family pretty hard
And so I felt this pain too
I cannot lie I was numb to it first
But when it hit I didn't know what to do
Sexual abuse from an ex
Threatening and so much control
A gun to my head and pictures of me
Only deepened the hole
I used alcohol for numbing
And also as self harm
Feeling that life wasn't worth living
Should have been my first alarm
Drinking was something I went back to
No matter what tough thing I had gone through
And for years I had lied to myself and others
And made them see a me that wasn't true
More moving, more alcohol
More boyfriends abused me
Physically, emotionally
And physically, they bruised me
Lupus, arthritis, and other diseases
And mental health as the cherry on top
Like the straw that broke this camel's back
And again I wished my life would stop
I saw hope in being a mom
Had a boyfriend I wanted to marry
With my maternal instincts coming in hot
I wanted a baby and NEEDED to carry
A burden and heartache
Unsure if I could reach my goal
Cried a lot and drank some more
To forget that I was alive or had a soul
More self harm and substance use
First time I was completely lost and alone
The last time I was on the street
I thought it was too late for me so I was on my own
A spark of bright in my life
Coming from the CMRLC
Kiva helped realize
What I put on blinders for to not see
A place to be me in my own skin
But to experience my pain in a new way
Instead of avoiding, I gave hope
And learned it was appropriate to say
That I've come a long way with peer support
And got a job being just me
A caring, human being with lived experience
And also letting someone else for themselves see
From MY growth and willingness to come forward
And opening my mind and heart
To staying as myself but having a new role
A young adult peer mentor for Zia is now my part
I will continue pushing forward for myself
And for others in the same way
This CPS training will give me more tools
To change up the systems in a big way one day
If I can do it, you can do it
Because I've been through a lot
And if I have changed my way of thinking
We can change systems TOGETHER with what we are taught....

 
By Cristaliz Arroyo
 
Daily Practical Matters in Recovery
Cleaning the Bathroom
The superior method of time effectiveness and quality assurance
By: Richard Donald
 
                  Cleaning the bathroom can be faster and easier while maintaining higher standards in workmanship if the right method is employed. The first consideration in the employment of this method is to make sure all cleaning supplies and equipment are ready in advance. Next to consider, is to follow a logical sequence of procedures, while applying well defined techniques for performing the work during each phase of the process. Last, but not least, is the removal of all supplies and equipment, leaving the area in a neat and orderly fashion. My previous experience in using this method has proven its superior effectiveness quite well.
                Your first step in performing this process, will be to assemble in advance, all the supplies needed in preparation for this job. These will include: a cleaning caddy with two separate compartments, three cleaning rags, one spray bottle filled with disinfectant spray cleaner, a mop bucket filled with floor cleaner and hot water, a clean mop, a broom, and a dustpan. You should leave all these items just outside the bathroom doorway. Next, you will need to double fold each cleaning rag against its length, and once against its width; this will provide eight working sides for each rag. After you have folded them, place your cleaning rags, along with your spray bottles, in one side of your cleaning caddy leaving the other side empty; the empty side is where you’ll be throwing your used cleaning rags during your progress. As a final step of preparation, remove the floor mats and the waste basket from the bathroom and leave them just outside the doorway. Having prepared everything in this way, you may proceed with the cleaning phases of the work in an orderly fashion, unencumbered by obstacles.
               The order in which each phase of the work is performed, and the technique for performing the work, are the most crucial factors to the effectiveness of this method. These phases in order are: spraying and wiping the shower and tub, spraying and wiping the vanity and sink, spraying and wiping the toilet, sweeping the floor, and finally, moping the floor. Before you begin, remember to always hold your spray bottle in one hand only, and your cleaning rag in the other. This will prevent dirt and germs from getting onto your cleaning bottles which in turn, prevents unseen cross-pollination of germs and debris. The proper direction to wipe is,  downward, from top to bottom, and forward, from back to front upon each section that you are wiping; this conserves your motions and prevents “back-wiping” over already cleaned areas, thereby further mitigating the cross-pollination of germs and dirt. Use only one rag for each phase, and as each surface is wiped, refold your rag, turning the used sides inward and the unused sides outward. When done, throw the dirty rag into the side of your cleaning caddy opposite to where your clean rags and spray bottle are kept, and move on to the next phase. After you have finished all phases of spraying and wiping, place your cleaning caddy outside the doorway, grab the broom, and sweep the entire floor from back to front, scooping up the dirt into the dustpan outside the doorway, and emptying the debris into the waste basket. Next, take your mop, ring it out lightly, and mop the entire floor in a single pass working from back to front. Then, soak your mop in the mop water and ring it out again, this time more vigorously so that it is semi-dry, and mop the floor a second time in the same fashion as before. This will give your floor a post washing rinse, picking up any excess water and dirt, and producing a clean dry finish.
               Finally, with your bathroom all cleaned, you may begin removing all cleaning equipment and supplies. First, you must dump the mop water. If there is no other place to dispose of the mop water other than your freshly cleaned bathroom, then, lift the toilet seat and, slowly and carefully, pour the dirty water into the toilet bowl and flush the toilet. After this, dry mop over that immediate area. Now, put all cleaning supplies and equipment back into their storage areas, and bring the dirty rags and floor mats into the laundry room to be washed. Once you have replaced that floor mats with clean ones, and the waste basket with a new trash bag, your job is complete.
              Taken altogether, the sequence of this method is composed of nine phases from start to finish. These nine phases in order are: preparing the supplies and equipment, removing the floor mats and the waste basket, wiping the shower and tub, wiping the vanity and sink, wiping the toilet, sweeping the floor, moping the floor, disposing of the mop water and removal of supplies and equipment, and finally, replacing the floor mats and the waste basket. Due to both the top to bottom/back to front wiping procedure, and the refolding rag technique used in this method, there is neither a cross-pollination of germs nor repeat traffic on any areas being cleaned during the entire process. Thus, you will save time and energy while yielding and higher level of cleanliness; and you can devote this extra time and energy to more important aspects of your recovery!
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