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I am naturally conflict-averse. I think a lot of us are. My upbringing involved lessons like, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and "go-along to get-along." In school, group projects and repeated variants on the importance of "collaboration" were the norm. Sure, I played in competitive sports, but it was often the adults in the stands who were more ruthless than us players. (We just wanted our fruit roll-ups and juice boxes and to burn off some energy.) As I've grown up, I'm realizing how often I'm subconsciously overlaying a lens of conflict into my interpersonal experiences and, instead of addressing the situation for what it is, back away and defer.
This month is about confrontation. Just the word drips with negativity. We're taught to avoid it at all costs, but should we? I've previously reviewed Radical Candor, which is about giving feedback and the axes of "care personally, challenge directly," but this month I'm thinking more about how to do more than just give feedback:
How might we actually benefit from confrontation?
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What I'm Reading
Chris Voss
"How do you expect me to do that?" -- A central thesis of this book is that in a negotiation, one of the biggest traps we fall into is thinking that we should be the problem-solver. There's a demand to be met and we stand something to gain if we meet that demand, so it's incumbent upon us to figure it out, right? We want to buy the car, but the mean manager just can't go any lower on the price. So we write the bigger check and drive away, still feeling pleased because we ultimately go what we wanted: the car. But what if it were the other person's problem to solve? What if you found ways to say, "no" without ever needing to say the word?
This book is a whole lot of behavioral science (and you know I love me some behavioral science... hello, personality types) and at least equal parts strategy and tactics. It's actionable, grounded, and I'm ready to go back and read it again because I'm confident I'll glean new insights with each re-read.
Quotes
"Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you."
“Conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution."
"Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible."
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Around the Web
Joseph Grenny
I attended the ATD conference last month and, as with most large conferences, there were some great sessions, some less so, and it was often difficult to tell beforehand which would be which. I'm not typically one to seek out the big-name speakers, but in this case, they were authors whose work I've read and respected including Charles Duhigg, Kim Scott, Seth Godin, and Joseph Grenny. Grenny, for context, is the co-founder of VitalSmarts, publisher of Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, and the Power of Habit, among others.
In Grenny's session, he addressed one of our greatest organizational (and relational) fears: confrontation. Specifically, "we falsely believe we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend." The title linked above goes to a study VitalSmarts published that demonstrates the real costs associated with our inability to address concerns and his session helped demonstrate the relational breakdown that occurs when we fail to address the patterns of behavior that we're noticing (see photo below).
Quotes
"If you've already held court in your head, the verdict will show on your face."
"If people miss your expectations, the cause is motivation, ability, or both within a matrix of personal, social, and structural variables." (and you should try to understand/get curious about why they might be coming from a different place in that matrix from what you might assume. Obviously this takes a lot more to unpack...)
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