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A few days ago I went to a free “bereavement support group” at Kaiser here in San Francisco. I’m not sure I need bereavement support, but a friend recommended trying it, and I figured what the hell.
It felt a bit like an AA meeting. (I’ve never been to an AA meeting, but I’ve watched enough TV to have a rough idea of how it works.) Instead of “I’m John and I’m an alcoholic,” it was “I’m John and my wife died last year.” Instead of coffee in the back of the room, there were nuts and some chocolate-covered pretzels in the middle of the circle, and boxes of Trader Joe’s tissues strategically spread out on the floor, so no one had to reach very far.
Of the 10 or 15 people at the meeting, about half had lost mothers, a few had lost partners of 15-30 years, and a few had lost siblings. I found myself thinking thank god no one in this room has buried their child, because that kind of grief would be too much for me to witness.
Some things that surprised me:
- They offer free parking for people who attend this group. (They were doing free parking for mammograms a while back. Which seems way more important and makes me wonder how they decide what to offer free parking for.)
- I knew someone else there: the sister of the friend who told me to go to this group – whose mother also died recently – so I should have seen that one coming.
- A guy who welcomed me by giving me a handmade necklace (pictured above) “to remember your loved one.” He had a backpack full of them and even though I didn’t want a necklace, I accepted it because I could see how much joy it gave him to make and distribute his gifts. I will never wear this thing, but I can’t bring myself to throw it in the Goodwill pile. Yet.
- How long some of these people have been coming to this group – and why. I guess I assumed “normal” people grieve for a few months and then get on with it. But for some people, even a year or two later, they’re still having trouble sleeping and moving on with their lives.
- The genuine affection some of the regulars have for each other. They know each other’s names and life stories, and they talk about non-death-related things before and after class. They’ve developed a community here (a tribe?), which they seem to need as much, if not more, than they need grief support.
- The really weird-looking older guy who kind of freaked me out until he started talking, and now I think of him as some sort of angel. To explain: One woman, another newcomer, was wrecked and racked with grief. Sobbing. Her mother – who had been a constant positive presence in her life, living with her and her family for years – had just died alone, while this woman was vacationing in another country with the rest of her family. Her overwhelming guilt needed its own chair in the room. But when she finished talking, Angel Guy piped up with something like, “Everything you just spoke about shows us how much you loved her, how well you took care of her, how lucky you were to have each other for so long, and how this wasn’t your fault.” He knew just what to say, and how to say it, and I want a pocket-sized version of him to carry around with me at all times. Partly as a reminder to not judge a book by its cover.
My friends ask, “did the group help?”
I say, “I don’t know.”
They say, “Well, will you go back?”
Yes. But mostly because I’m wondering what Angel Guy might have to say to me.
Good stuff
- IKEA’s real life series makes me smile. (Manufacturer’s site)
- “One small pilot study found very low procrastination scores among experienced meditators, suggesting that doing absolutely nothing might be the best way to get everything done.” (Fast Company)
- In case you haven’t gotten enough “Fleabag” content: You can buy the jumpsuit she wears in the first episode of Season 2. (Manufacturer’s site)
- How to remove your private info from the web in an afternoon. As soon as I get an entire free afternoon? (Mashable)
- The motherlode of logos for record nerds, train nerds, action figure nerds, and more. (Artist’s site)
- Cute cat with four ears. Named Yoda. (Twisted Sifter)
For next week
A reader in her 60s had a good question: What are the biggest challenges or issues for readers in other age groups? Family? Health? Money? Time management? Evil boss? I’m not even sure how I would answer this right now. And let’s also flip this around: What the BEST thing happening in your life right now? That one’s much easier for me to answer. (It has four legs, a tail, and a shit ton of hair.)
Pass it on
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