Anxiety. Depression. Doubt. Fear. Many of us write under these clouds or something like them. Maybe we write under them always.
Yet write we do, or we try.
Below are the words of Sara Dobie Bauer, Mary Ogle, Glass-Oceans, Merinda Brayfield and dozens of others—artists, writers, creators all—sharing how they manage to make things even when the black dog comes for them.
Each of the writers below hopes these words help you. Let me know if they do please. Here's my Tumblr anon to make that easier, and thank you — Atlin Anon
Spark Spoke: This newsletter, podcasted by Lockedinjohnlock!
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Depression. My Cephalopod.
By A_Secret_Scribbler
She’s back.
She sneaks up on me, her tentacles snaking around my body, pinning my arms to my sides. “You’re not good enough,” she whispers, and I believe her.
Churchill had his black dog, mine is Stauroteuthis Syrtensis, flashing her bioluminescent suckers at me. She seduces me with her pretty lights and her promises. You see that’s what gets me every time, she’s familiar, I’ve been hanging out with her, on and off, for forty years, and familiar feels safe, so I go willingly. And for a while, it’s quiet, and there’s only her voice, and she tells me tales that I recognise, as familiar to me as the Hans Christian Andersen stories from my childhood. The one about the girl no one will love unless she loses weight and attains perfection. The one about not being good enough to show my art to people, better keep it hidden, or better still don’t bother making it in the first place. The one that goes who would want you, you worthless, useless, lazy, stupid, bitch.
Fully wrapped up in her arms, I hand myself over to her, she is in control, she drags me deeper, I lose track of time. Her words take root, I conceal myself from those who love me, she tells me that they don’t really love me, they won’t miss me, no one would. She feeds on my fears and I drown. In this place, fathoms deep, there is no light. Nothing flourishes. No ideas. Inspiration can’t breathe this far down. I feel lonely. My life becomes colourless, sounds muffled, human interaction feels like it is through a smudged lens. Everyone else is moving faster than I am, I am treading water, wearing a woolen overcoat, and mittens.
And then. Something. It happens like this. It’s a flash of yellow viewed from the very corner of my eye, but enough that I turn my head, buckets of daffodils. It’s a familiar song, barely heard, through a passing car window, gone before the chorus. It’s a scent, elderflowers, sharp enough to cut through the fog. It’s a friend's persistent are you okay’s? Its a book. It’s a smile. Somehow I’m wriggling out of her grip, and fighting her off and swimming up, up, and breaking the surface, and gasping for air, and she’s gone.
Sometimes she stays away for months, years at a time. I almost forget about her, I thrive. Sure, I still hear her words, but they’re so distant I can ignore them, or I drown them out singing my own song. She waves a lazy arm at me occasionally, usually when I’m about to step outside her boundaries, she reminds me that it's scary out there, but I go anyhow. Sometimes I see her flashing her lights seductively, but other lights are brighter. My friends shout louder than she does. I keep her at bay with tiny blue pills and coaching, meditation, and mindfulness. And I draw, and I paint and I write and I figure that if I keep on creating, my fiddly fingers will be too fast for her to catch hold. She’s a slippery little sucker, but then again, so am I.
A_Secret_Scribbler is an artist and writer, whose work you can find on AO3, and on Tumblr and Twitter as Allmannerofsomethings.
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Uncaged
By Mary Ogle
Depression is never giving myself permission. It feels like living in a limbo where I am paralysed by my own existence. It’s not negative, it’s nothing.
Reading while depressed is a thing that has saved my life. If I can live in another world I’m not trapped in this one. I’m not a prisoner of my confusion. I’m in a place where there are defined actions and answers and I’m not caged by my own inability to act on anything.
Writing while I’m depressed is sometimes a balm and sometimes impossible. Writing while depressed means spending hours or days or weeks just working myself up to the point I can open my laptop and place my fingers on the keys. Sometimes though…sometimes I do manage to get to that point and the void creeps back a bit because I am able to fill it with pictures or words.
Sometimes the flood gates open and all that hopelessness is translated into something else on the page. Because the sheer act of writing anything down—anything at all—feels like an act of defiance. It doesn’t cure anything but it’s like giving myself permission to exist in an emotionless void and be creative anyway.
It’s harder for my empty spaces to exist when my hands are moving and my eyes are scanning and my head is filling up with places and people and things that didn’t exist before.
Do I consider the act of creating something out of nothing a form of therapy? Yes, but not in the condescending and dismissive way our culture portrays the impulse to put something down on paper. I don’t need to suffer for my art. But I suffer less because of it.
Mary Ogle is the author and illustrator of Orangeroof Zoo, a whimsical tale of magical realism told through the pages of a coloring book. Mary is also on Tumblr.
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The Important Thing
By AmityWho
Depression is the common cold of mental illness. You've heard this, right? It’s a metaphor for the prevalence of the illness. Perhaps it’s only incidentally dismissive. Perhaps the person who coined that phrase has never experienced true depression.
Because while sometimes depression is like the common cold, inconvenient and uncomfortable, other times it’s like the Spanish flu: a plague that’s killed millions. Whichever way you experience it, if you do, and you probably do, it can be an insurmountable obstacle between you and your desires, needs and obligations.
The truth is many days I can’t write because I’m depressed, but some days I use my depression as an excuse for not writing.
With depression there are days that crawling out of bed to feed the cats requires a level of determination that Sisyphus would envy, but, for me, some days, many days (gratefully, thankfully) are better than others. Those days I do some laundry, wash some dishes, scrub the toilet. On those better days I try not to use depression to excuse myself from these tedious tasks that so often fall to my partner. Nobody wants to scrub the toilet. Somebody has to. Thank whatever gods there are that we decided not to have children.
So, why do I need to excuse myself from writing? I enjoy writing. Mostly. It brings me some pleasure when so few things still do. Yet, consistently I’ve turned away from my WIPs or a new idea because I was “just too depressed.” Better to hide than to fail?
Here’s what I’m trying to do these days. It’s been helping some. I hope it continues to.
I write a page or two every morning on a yellow legal pad I keep on my nightstand. I hate writing long-hand, but it has the advantage of being possible in a prone position, if you have a friendly pen, so if the bed and I don’t part company some mornings I can still write.
It’s not inspired stuff, people, believe me.
“The curtains are white. The carpet needs vacuuming. The cats are looking at me funny.”
The quality isn’t the important thing, it’s simply beginning, it’s the act itself. Eventually I usually manage to get a paragraph or two that count. First draft, pre-editing count. You know how it works. And if I don’t? Does it matter.
Perfectionism is a fairly common indicator for depression, and I’ve got a serious case. The lack of expectation in those morning pages is a blessed relief. Letting myself off the hook is a relief. Doing something I enjoy is therapeutic, even when I don’t realize it.
Those days when the yellow pad gets shoved under the bed unused? I try to be kind to myself about it, and vow to try again tomorrow.
After all, the important thing is feeding the cats. Just ask them.
Amity Who is a fledgling writer but experienced reader. On AO3 as Amity_Who and Tumblr as Amitywho.
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Crazy, But That's How It Goes
By Sara Dobie Bauer
I’ve been riding the crazy train since I was fourteen, ebbing and flowing on tides of happiness, depression, and anxiety. Many writers can probably say the same. Hell, engineers can say the same. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate.
I didn’t talk openly about my mental health (or lack thereof) until Robin Williams committed suicide. I realized that if someone as “happy” as him could do such a thing, maybe there were other people struggling in silence, too. I first started writing about my personal demons; then, I gave a big speech at the University of Arizona’s Mental Health Awareness Week.
Yeah, I was terrified, but since then, I’ve spoken a lot IN PUBLIC (arrrgggguhh) about mental illness: its causes and its treatments. Last November, I had a pretty nasty relapse. My mental health was the worst it had been in years. The depression, anxiety, and overwhelming fear wouldn’t stop, negatively affecting my work, my sleep, and my relationships.
Sorta scared of medication, I sought therapy instead, and my therapist suggested I start a mental health blog … so I did.
Successfully Mad: Accepting Yourself and Your Mental Illness is now up and running. There, I do my best to write honestly about what I’m going through in an attempt to exorcise my own demons and maybe help other people, too.
Mental illness is a solitary disease, but it’s important to realize you are not alone. I’m just as messed up as you, I promise. There are plenty of us out there going through similar battles with body image, self confidence, paranoia, and severe melancholy. Let’s remove the stigma and talk about it.
If you’re up for a journey, come visit me and subscribe to Successfully Mad. (You can learn more about my mental health speech there, too, and learn a bit about my background.) I’m going to try to be brave, so be brave with me.
Whatever you’re going through, have a hug through the internet. You’re not alone, and we’re gonna get through all this nasty shit together.
Sara Dobie Bauer is the author of the Bite Somebody series and Escape Trilogy, as well as fic on AO3. Find Sara on her Twitter and website. This essay was originally published on Sara's blog.
Pssst, how do you push pass your depression, anxiety, doubts and fears to create, to draw, to art, to interact?
2019 Hugo Nominee Songlin @songlin221
Usually I write about the way I’m feeling and that helps me move on!
Atlin Merrick @atlinmerrick
Do. Not. Mess. With. Your. Meds. This is hard for me, I'm constantly wanting to change my dosage because "I don't need it right now" and…and I screw up. Frequently. A lot. BUNCHES. So. Um. Right. If you're on anti-depressants and they're helping help them help you. Stop fucking around with the dosage okay? Please? All right? Thank you.
Bakersttardis @CleverBaggins
I pretend it's already done, or we're already friends and I'm just touching it up (relationship or creativity). Even if I pick at it off and on all day it's a little progress.
Blissfully_Chelle @BlissfullyChell
When I'm feeling down, I do for others out of love. It helps get me out of my own head.
Blue @bigblueboxat221
I do some of my best writing when I’m desperately sad. Writing about sadness helps get it out; writing about someone else’s eventual happiness gives me hope. I never force myself to write, but sometimes I do stream of consciousness so I don’t have to keep track of plot points.
Burning_up_a_sun @Burning_Up_
Depression and writing: I have a routine, and my OCD brain won't let me decide to just break a routine. I think that helps with writing through depression. I also allow myself to cut my goals way back. 100 words? 50 words? That's great. It's more than I had. Or I spend time world building (read: searching Pinterest). And I think, forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves for not getting words on paper in the same way we would forgive a friend.
CarmillaCarmine @CarmillaCarmin
Writing helps me calm down the chaos in my head usually caused by the overflow of things I worry about. It forces me to focus on something else that has nothing to do with me which lets me get some perspective once I'm done writing.
Cindy Delbridge @CKDelbridge
Ah depression! The days when I want to hide under the bed and never come out. Days when I can’t get to sleep but then can’t wake up when I do. Gotta love them. Oddly enough, depression hasn’t bothered my writing. Maybe it’s because I just restarted writing or maybe it’s my method (I never sit down to write, I let the story build in my mind then sit down and crank it out in like twenty minutes) which gives me no pressure. However it happens, right now I find writing more therapeutic than stressing.
Dee is at 221bCon @72gowerstreet
Writing regularly, especially in the early morning, helps. The bad days still come, but I know they won't last.
EchoSilverWolf @EastWindEchoes
I procrastinate, wallow in self pity, and withdraw...I may not have the best coping skills.
Elinor Gray @ 221B Con @elinorgray
My depression is acute rather than chronic, so I actually don't push past it to create: I try to identify the source of the depression (stress, grief, toxicity) and deal with that, and then let the creativity come back naturally. It's slow but it works best for me.
Elo
For me, I find it helps to set up my space beforehand. I grab a drink, put on my music, and make sure I'm comfortable. The ritual of it feels like giving myself permission to just enjoy it. It doesn't always work, but trying to focus on enjoying the process, instead of just slogging through it, has taken some of the pressure off.
Em @emirosetweets
I mostly write, so I focus on writing for one person. Someone who asked me for a story or a personal piece, someone who needs to read what I need to write. A friend who I can dedicate the work to so they feel they’re loved.
Esik Elwood @EsikElwood
I suppose I try to tell my head to bring the goal posts closer but my brain doesn’t always listen. Like I’ll say, I’ll just try working for 1/2 an hour, even set an alarm, & if it doesn’t work that’s ok but usually getting myself to start at all is the hard part.
Esterbrook @esterbrookfic
Sometimes I just have to wait it out. Other times it takes external pressure, like a deadline or an accountability buddy.
Fairywren @x_fairywren
Getting out and taking an easy walk in the woods/on the beach helps me immensely. Once my mind feels settled from the quiet and/or I've walked off any anxious energy, I can usually get back to being social or creating.
HelenFrances @hepzibah59
Medication, medication, medication. I've had depression and anxiety all my life, medication is the only thing that works.
Hope Zane @lovetincture
I don't, very intentionally. Instead, I tell myself that some days are bad days, and that's okay. Bad days aren't necessarily for writing! Sometimes they're for self care. On those days, I let myself rest and let go of all expectations. Most things will keep until tomorrow.
Hotaru Tomoe @Hotaru_Tomoe78
I can't speak for depression, but I isolate myself from sources of anxiety by disconnecting from Internet, turning off TV and radio, using earplugs against annoying sounds and entering a cocoon where it's only me and my muse.
Hugh Janus @softspaceboys
I pour all of my emotions and wingery into my art, and I live through the process.
Hugo-Nominated MLC @MapleleafCameo
Walks help, if writing isn’t working which it hasn’t been for 6 or 7 months I try other things like sewing or painting. Yoga is helpful too but sometimes it’s hard to climb out of the depths.
Jen Flynn @JenCathryne
I get antsy and anxious if I DON'T work on something. So, I try to do something related - planning, research. I also have more than one project on the go all the time, so if I'm blocked on one, I'll work on another until my anxiety about the other one is gone. I can't not create!
Julian Stuart @mine_de_rien
I find trying to genuinely encourage and support my friends often helps me feel better, not necessarily enough to get back to work myself but I'm less miserable which is still 100% worth it. as far as what helps me get back to work tho, I'll let you know when I figure that out...
K. Caine @kdotcaine
Sometimes I don't! It's a really careful balance - sometimes it's safe for me to push past it, and I can still produce things, and sometimes I just need to stop trying to do things and focus on coming out the other side. It doesn't hurt any to turtle when I need to.
Kameo @KameoDouglas
300 words come hell or high water. Even if they’re “I’m a washed up scrub with nothing to say.” Just keep the fingers moving.
Kamerer220
Fic allows helps us to step outside our grief and give it a framework, a form. It has a beginning and an end. It is much cleaner than real life. It gives us courage and the ability to say the things we cannot say in real life either because of fear or in the case of death because the person we want to say the things to is no longer there to hear our words. It can give you vindication that you were robbed of in the real world. There is an order to fiction that is never found in real tragedy. And in the case of loss you give the person you are writing about a second life.
Kelley @awellkeptsecret
Routine! Sometimes you can’t rely on inspiration when you have a deadline so sitting in the same spot at the same time with that same candle lit and same mood music play list on shuffle can really help.
Kizzia @Kizzia30
I don’t force myself to write creatively when the black fog descends. Instead I focus on getting a few words in my journal at the end of each day (even if it’s just what I did) so the habit remains and do something else creative instead - crochet/cook/take photos/zentangle etc
Kristin | @ 221BCon @shcrlockhouse
My art, ultimately, is what helps me push past those things. Without it, I would never be free from the pits of depression or anxiety. It’s my ultimate processor and savior. For the times I feel too crippled by those things, I know I just need to give myself space and keep creating again once I’m in a healthy enough space to do so.
Leonardo da BINCHI @eli0t_th0mas
Go for a walk, listen to something, eat something, & come back to it. Maybe talk to someone else about SOMETHING else and then come back to it. If I can find a food show that involves food from where I’m writing about (assuming RL setting), I might put that on in the background. Keeping food handy helps. Not to stress eat, but just keeping myself steady helps. If all else fails, and I can budget it in, taking a two-hour nap with the writing playlist on can help.
Another thing I (personally, this may not work for everyone) try to keep in mind, if it’s creative writing, is: it is a way to stop thinking about the ways in which I feel bad—but if I start writing about how I feel without it being forced, that’s not a bad thing.
Leyna @leyley09
Depression/low energy hits my writing the worst. I occasionally try anyway, but I'm lucky if I get a couple sentences on those days. So instead of frustrating myself, I turn to one of my other creative hobbies so I'm still making *something*. Cross stitch in particular works well for me - all I have to do is count and stab some fabric.
Locky @LockedinPods
I create to keep the demons at bay. People think I set myself a punishing schedule but the truth is, if I have anything like an extended break, those thoughts just roll on in and they are a beast to shift, once they get a foothold! Easier, by far to just keep on creating.
Luci Joe Smith @theLuciSmith
Sometimes, I don’t. A lot of tuning out happens. The more welcoming a space/group, the easier it is to bury it.
Nala M @Nalala_m
My anxiety is more on the social side. So I use the scale method to push past it. I imagine the worst possible outcome, then the best and what will happen is always in the middle of those two.
Naptime Seal @fauxtalian1
I fixate on the end result to what I’m doing, and the anticipation of feedback. This isn’t good because I’ll equate my value as a creator based on factors that are beyond my control. For this, it is important to recenter, and shift focus to the enjoyment of the process
Nona Hayes @snakeadelic
I have great success with the presence of a therapy animal helping to mitigate my responses to assorted anxiety/panic triggers.
Ren! you didn’t file your paperwork last night! @hux_you_up
I don’t. :-( (Anxiety over the thought of creating something imperfect prevents me from creating anything at all.)
Rudbeckia @RudbeckiaSun
Pretending to be someone else. Not a specific person because that would be weird, but a person who “does things” whether they “can do things” or not. It also helps that my fandom life is almost completely separate from my “real” life so if-when I screw up I can move on to a new username. I have done that... four times?
S. Diana Nimm @SDianaNimm
When I am on the verge of a panic attack, I listen to David Bowie. Weird, but it works. Years of trying one thing after another accidentally led me to lying flat on the floor feeling the vibrations of “Moonage Daydream”. *sigh*
Supreme Disaster Kylo Ren @kyluxtrashpit
I go as far into self-indulgence as I can in terms of creating. Writing something self-soothing can help pull me out of it faster and it means I'm still creating. Even if it's not what I wanted to/should be working on, it helps keep the juices flowing until I'm ready to come back
The Pie Hole @myOTPeatsPeople
For me if I hear a song that's inspirational I take all the magic of it and put it into a scene in one of my fics or make it a theme for an entire fic. Whatever energy it gives me, I channel it right away ☺
~ Atlin adds: Thank you everyone (always) for answering my questions on Twitter. Especially thank you for this issue because depression is so difficult and each of these replies offers a ray of hope. Sometimes that's all that's needed at the worst of times.
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I've Found a Way…
By Merinda Brayfield
Some days are dark. Some days climbing out of bed is hard, let alone putting words on a page. I always know my depression has gotten bad when my writing peters out and stops. For me, writing is like breathing and stopping is akin to drowning.
I've found ways to help myself.
Timers are useful, for writing and other things. I figure I can do anything for 10 minutes. I keep a compliments folder to remind myself of kind things others have said and favourite comments. Sometimes I'll phone a friend or chat with someone to just get out of my own head for a while.
And I give myself permission to suck. I give myself permission to utterly project my feelings on the page. If I'm in a dark spot and am having trouble, then I can maybe write about one of my favourite characters fighting the same beast and see what they do.
Depression and mental illness are not requirements to be a creative person, but the two often go hand in hand. If you're in a position to, get help, whether it's therapy or medications, or some combination of things. And in my own personal experience, medication doesn't stifle the creativity. On the contrary, it gives it room to breathe. If I'm better able to focus and deal with life then I'm better able to create.
The most important thing is to remember that you're not alone. You're not. You're loved and wanted. To borrow a phrase I keep close at hand: Depression lies. The days may seem dark and desperate, but they're not forever. The words will come back. The light will come back.
You're more than your depression or mental illness and the black dog will retreat.
Merinda Brayfield is a prolific writer of fan fiction, mostly on AO3 under Janto321. You can primarily find Merinda on Tumblr and Twitter.
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An Act of Defiance
By Notjustmom
I've fought depression most of my life, mostly fighting my way through it using my art and writing.
These days, in my 40s, I have found that the acts of writing fan fiction, and helping others with their writing, sit side by side with my depression and other issues in my life that I have to deal with.
I write or edit or think about writing every day, usually I do all of the above. On the days I don't write, I find those are the days when the black dog seeks me out the most. It hits hardest after I finish one of my longer stories, as I go through a kind of mourning for the ending of that universe; it is one reason I have several verses going at once.
My characters will sometimes carry the load for me, other times I create original characters who can help the canon character deal with their issues; the very act of creating my own world helps me in my 'real world'. At the same time, I spend a lot of time writing gentle, fluffy romantic scenes, which are not a part of my reality at this point in my life, so the writing of fan fiction allows me to imagine a better world, a more loving world than I know, which I think helps to ease my own reality.
I find that the very act of writing is an act of defiance, most days. It is my way of defining myself as a creator, not just as someone who suffers from depression.
It took me an awfully long time to realise that my words when I’m feeling down are still my words, and are the same words that I have when inspiration strikes, or when I have a looming deadline.
They’re all the same words.
Sure, they’re slower to come when the black dog is leaning on me, trying its best to keep me from reaching the keyboard. And its huffing in my ear is louder, making me less confident of those words when I do try to write them.
But I’m still the same me. The words I have already are good enough to tell a story with. I recently discovered, just once, and am looking for it again now, a wonderful meditative state of writing, in which I could hear all the questions my depression was throwing at me to make me doubt myself and my story and what I was doing. I could hear them but I could also recognise them for what they were; that negative part of myself desperately trying everything it could do to get me to stop writing, stop trying, just stop. I recognised them, so I was able to keep going.
Now I’m able to distinguish my states of mind a little better. I’m more able to tell if my depression is trying to make me avoid writing, or if it’s my own instinct trying to tell me something is wrong with the story, something that needs to be re-worked.
So I keep practicing, and I keep learning, and I keep writing.
For me, it's especially hard to sit down and just start drawing when I'm depressed. It's like I'm completely paralysed, unable to move forward or backward. But I know from hard-won experience that I'll feel better when I do something (anything, really) despite my inner critic going "you can't draw shit, what if you fuck it up, nobody cares about your drawings anyway so why bother..."
Sometimes it already helps to put on some music, either something upbeat and happy (Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop the Feeling" is one of my favourites) or something with a steady, repetitive drum beat that prevents me from thinking too much. Sometimes it helps to simply doodle, paint something abstract, or play around with the brush settings of my graphics program before picking up a pencil to start working on my current project. Sometimes it helps to keep consciously reminding myself that I actually know how to draw ("Look at all the drawings you did that turned out well!"), that it doesn't matter if I do fuck up ("It's just a drawing and if you figure out what you did wrong, you'll learn from it so you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future."), and that several people have told me they like my drawings.
On really bad days I make a deal with myself - just try drawing for 30 minutes, 15 minutes or even just 5 minutes and then I can go back to doing whatever. Sometimes it's enough and I keep on drawing even though the 30, 15 or 5 minutes have passed. And if it's just not happening… well, at least I tried. After all, tomorrow is another day.
I won't deny that it's bloody difficult but every time I manage to not listen to the negative self-talk in my head and draw despite being depressed, it's worth the struggle. I'm one step closer to finishing my project and what I've drawn doesn't look half bad most of the time, even if my inner critic tries to tell me otherwise.
Atlin adds: Please always know you can anonymously share your thoughts for any issue of Spark. Thank you to the anon who shared this.
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Introducing ~ Sophie Cumberland
You’ve known Sophie as Lockedinjohnlock for years, you’ve known her as the wonderful voice behind dozens of podfics and Spark Spoke.
Though Sophie’s staying firmly rooted in fandom, she’s welcoming the possibility of professional audio work and is unveiling a professional name to associate with it. Sophie, thank you for all you’ve done for us as Lockedinjohnlock/Lockedinpods, and welcome, welcome, welcome!
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The editor of Spark, that's me, Atlin, is moving overseas to start a master's degree in Dublin, and so newsletter issues got a bit jumbled. This week should have been First Lines, Last Lines, & Cliffhangers, but instead that'll come next time.
In the meantime!I've got a biggie favour to ask: send me newsletter ideas.Go look at the past issues of Spark and tell me what's missing or what you'd like to discuss again, as I'm coming to the end of the wonderful ideas you shared at the beginning of the year.
The fandoms represented in Spark, the newsletter itself, and the subscriber list have grown a lot in the last few years, so we're keen to talk about old stuff new stuff every fandom and any fandom. Tell me your ideas for future newsletters and make an editor giddy, won't you?
