Many years ago I was faffing around in the dating universe, online and offline and everywhere. There were several relationships gone by the wayside, and I just couldn’t get the hang of ‘being out there’. 

Where were the real gurus with the expert tips I needed?
 

Then I read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. It held many epiphanies. If he really likes you he will call. He’s definitely coming upstairs for a late-night coffee. He will ask you out on a proper date and won’t let anything get in his way.
 

There’s nothing ambiguous you need to ‘figure out’ about a man’s behaviour when he likes you.

I was relieved and excited. I Got It. The gurus with the expert tips had nailed what I was doing wrong.
 

Everything made sense.
 

Except… in real life it didn’t quite.
 

• For starters, we live in Australia and the dating culture here is different (or it was in the heady days prior to Tinder). People didn’t ‘date’ so much then as ‘hook up’ and then ‘see where it goes’.
• Isn’t someone who is way too into you a GIANT red flag? The fairytale lovebomber at the beginning is almost never capable of genuine love and often turns out to be abusive. But what’s real and what’s fake?
• Was it fair to apply these ideas to dating outside of the heteronormative?
• What if I wasn’t that into the other person but not NOT into them. Be direct? Ghost? Keep dating them and see if something grows?
• Should I feel stupid if I make an exception to the ‘rules’?
• And, of course, there’s just the general grey of dating… two (or more) people trying to find love. It’s a seriously huge mission. No one wants to get it wrong. We don’t want to get hurt or hurt someone else.

You could drive yourself nuts trying to figure it all out.
 

The ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ message is awesome (be your fabulous self and don’t take nonsense from someone who doesn’t appreciate and respect your fabulousness) but chunks of the practical advice were hard to follow IRL.
 

So the book kinda, got it right. But also kinda got it wrong.
 

What it missed was nuance.
 

No one else can define you (or your problems), because they’re not ‘in the grey’ of your real life.