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Diary Entry
July 4
“I’m so embarrassed because I got this television remote stuck up my butt,” I said to the nurse.
“Don’t be embarrassed,” she said.
I scoffed. How can you not be embarrassed?
“No, really,” she said, “I once saw someone with a red-hot chili pepper stuck up their butt! Can you believe that? A red-hot chili pepper!”
“Yeah,” I said, “like that band.”
“What band?” she asked.
“The Red Hot Chili Peppers,” I said.
“Huh. I don’t know that band,” the nurse said.
It was then I realized that everyone had forgotten the Red Hot Chili Peppers but me.
“What are some of their songs?” the nurse asked.
This was my first test.
“All-Star.”
Nailed it.
I was shocked. How could no one remember the Red Hot Chili Peppers? What was the universe trying to tell me? There must be a reason.
I checked my phone. One new voicemail from my ex-girlfriend. She said I owed her money.
That’s when it dawned on me. The reason I remember when no one else could: So I could make money.
A 4th of July miracle.
I was going to milk the Red Hot Chili Peppers for all they’re worth: $18,000.
July 5
I was discharged from the hospital and hopped on the bus to Hollywood.
I figured that I better bone up on my R.H.C.P. knowledge, so I pulled out my phone and typed in “red hot chilli pepper lyrics.”
Zero results.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
I called my ex-girlfriend, but she didn’t pick up. I bet she was at another man’s house.
I finally made it to Hollywood. I waved down a cab.
“Take me to American Idol,” I said.
“Get in line buddy,” said the cab driver as he pulled out his blue guitar. This was going to be harder than I thought.
The cab driver pulled into the CBS Television Studio, where Ryan Seacrest ushered us to the soundstage.
“You’re just in time,” said Ryan.
Show time.
The music played. The lights flashed.
“This week on American Idol: Cab driver vs. the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Who will win?”
I was nervous. Sure, I had the entire Red Hot Chili Peppers discography in my back pocket. But I didn’t know any of their songs yet.
The cab driver was up first. He sung an original song about driving people in a cab.
Cabs, cabs everywhere,
Going to work?
I drive you there.
I drive you,
You are lazy,
I drive cab,
Cab drive me crazy.
Very unoriginal.
Next, it was my turn.
“Good luck,” whispered Ryan Seacrest. “You’ll need it, bonehead.”
Welcome to showbiz.
I walked on stage. The crowd stared at me.
“Well?” someone shouted. “Sing!”
They were eating out of my hand.
I strummed my guitar. A perfect strum. I started to sing.
I like Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Yes I do,
I like Red Hot Chili Peppers,
How ‘bout you ?
I finished my song. I stared at the crowd. The crowd stared back at me. Then, someone started to clap. Then another clap. Then another clap. Until the crowd went crazy.
Ryan Seacrest shook my hand: The winning handshake.
“And the winner is, the Red Hot Chili Peppers!”
I was a star.
July 6
Record deals. Contracts. It all sounds good until you remember that you never learned how to sign your name in cursive.
My ex-girlfriend left me a voicemail. Sorry, I don’t waste my minutes on people who don’t respect me.
I called Consumer Cellular and told them to block her number.
I have to go to bed early tonight (7:30). I have a big day tomorrow.
July 7
The iHeartRadio Music Festival 2019. The biggest day of my life. I’m headlining the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada. This is so exciting.
My ex-girlfriend called me on my cell phone. She says she “wants to get back together.”
Figures. She always loved the T-Mobile Arena.
I started singing the song that made me famous, a song I’ve sung a hundred times:
Cabs, cabs everywhere,
Going to work?
I drive you there…
Then, I heard a scream. John Lennon walked out of the crowd.
“I lvoe yuro sngos!!”
“He loves your songs,” someone clarifies. I can’t understand British people, but what an honor.
In the end, everything worked out. I’m the fifth Beatle, and the first Red Hot Chili Pepper.
The end.
“YESTERDAY 2: I Remember the Red Hot Chili Peppers” is available at the RedBox at Walmart.
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