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Weekly Relationship Reminder

Learn How to Empathize


“No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

~ Theodore Roosevelt  
Debbie had a ten-year-old client who once said to her, “When I get sad, my mom makes me angry.” 

Debbie asked what her client’s mom did that made her angry. The little girl said, “My mom’s always doing things and trying to help me, but I just want her to be there with my sadness. I want her to be sad with me... that’s all.” This little girl had a strong need for empathy and her mom only knew how to help by trying to fix something. We see this in relationships all the time. 

Trying to fix is a well-intentioned gesture. The only problem is that it doesn’t help. When empathy is needed, only empathy will work. In our relationships, why do we often go into fixing mode rather than empathizing? Probably because we don’t know how to empathize and so we fall back on the tools that we’re most comfortable with.

So how does one empathize? First, by understanding what empathy is. Empathizing in your relationship is imagining and, to some extent, experiencing the same emotions that your partner is going through. It is the ability to truly see, understand, and connect with your partner’s feelings. Empathy creates kindness, compassion, safety, vulnerability, and a type of connection that can be very healing to your partner and to the relationship.

Practice Feeling It

The language of feelings may not be familiar to you. We highly recommend you view the video “Brené Brown on Empathy” on YouTube. Then, try the following: 
  1. Ask your partner to tell you about something that’s creating fear, anger, frustration, resentment, guilt, sadness, or hurt. 

  2. As your partner shares, listen carefully and try to uncover the underlying, upsetting emotions. Pay attention to your partner’s facial expressions as well. After your partner finishes speaking, see if you can identify what your partner is feeling. Try phrases like, “Given, what you are saying about... I imagine you may be feeling... Is that what you are feeling?”

  3. If your partner says, “Yes,” you may say something like, “That must be very hard.”

  4. If your partner says, “No,” then ask, “Can you tell me how you are feeling?” and repeat back what your partner says.

  5. Switch roles.
Once you’ve both taken turns empathizing and being empathized with, discuss two questions:
  • How did it feel to be empathetic?
  • How did it feel to receive an empathetic response from your partner?
     
As always, we would love to hear from you.

In-love,
Craig and Debbie
IT'S EASY TO FALL IN LOVE. STAYING IN LOVE TAKES WORK.

Craig Lambert and Debbie Seid are dedicated to helping couples rekindle their love, deepen their intimacy and strengthen communication. They have worked with hundreds of San Diego couples, helping them understand the often unconscious underpinnings of relationship conflict. Craig and Debbie offer premarital education to help couples prepare for the challenges and opportunities of married life, enriching the premarital stage and deepening their relationship, so both partners are even more excited to commit to each other for life. For more information about couples workshops, premarital education, and couples/marriage counseling, visit us online at CraigLambertTherapy.com.
Copyright © 2019 Lambert Couples Therapy, All rights reserved.
Craig Lambert, LCSW (License # LCS14003)


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