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"If we claim to have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves...but if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us..."
-1 John 1:8
This teething stage is wrecking me. The baby was up at least seven times last night and it took me forever to fall back asleep each time. By wake-up call number 4, I was enraged and murderous and stewing over all the reasons this might be Cody's fault. It felt like I didn't even have a moment to choose how to react. It was 2 in the morning, and I was losing the battle for my heart on repeat.
I have been praying desperately and obsessing over every strategy to get Abishai to sleep because I think to myself, "If only I get a decent night's sleep, I'm almost likable. I don't have to see the monstrous person I can be when I'm tired and frustrated. I don't have to spend the day in shame and self-loathing."
Man, has sleep become a god I worship.
If only I appease it, maybe today will go better. If I can't meet its demands, I live in terror of how the day and the nights to follow will go. I feel doomed because I know I'm going to spend the foreseeable future blowing up over small things and snapping at minor annoyances and everything will feel big and overwhelming and bring me to tears.
Good sleep helps me cover up and smooth over the messy, angry interior I don't want to acknowledge is there, like pretty frosting on a dry, crumbling cake that's falling in on itself. The cake is bad, the shape is failing, but if you heap on enough frosting and look at it under the right lighting, it can seem pretty appetizing.
Frosting. Lighting. Physical Rest.
Externals I chase after because I feel helpless toward the internal. I know that sleepless nights with young babies are a common fare and people do learn to handle it graciously. I know it's possible, but I'm not even close.
I read this thought by Emily P. Freeman in her book Simply Tuesday:
"If I feel shocked and ashamed when I snap...maybe I am assuming I can handle life on my own and don't need redemption, not really. And so when my soul has a bad idea, I can't believe it.
Shock and shame are my response...when I forget what really happened at the cross.
...Don't try to change your attitude, bring your attitude into the presence of Christ...my action is not to make right, to make whole, or to make better. My action is to usher my abilities, inabilities, failures and successes all into the presence of Christ."
So here I am, asking God for the millionth time to help me with this ugliness I see. I'm devastated and disappointed by it, desperate to find anyone or anything else to blame. Alarmed and at loss for how to change, how to not be this.
I want to run away, to turn and accuse, to scream at Him for letting me face hard thing after hard thing for so long. But I'm seeing that those are distractions from the truth.
This darkness is nobody else's fault. It is not solved by things finally going right for me. It does not go away just because a good night's sleep or a good coat of frosting makes it less obvious. And it would be unloving of the Lord to answer my prayer for the baby to sleep and leave unfinished his work on a heart that loses it over being woken up.
It is painful to look upon it and I want to turn away, but He ushers light and growth and purity into my most stagnant waters if only I will be open with Him and welcome Him in.
Bad sleep has a wonderful way of revealing the true state of my heart: self-centered, demanding, bitter, unforgiving, easily-angered, entitled and proud. But I was rescued for more than this. It is only a shadow of who I once was and it cannot hold me.
I read a challenge this morning to ask God to reveal the depth of His love for me. It stung because I know I need that. I do not feel lovable. But I think that confronting my own darkness always carries with it the potential to develop an even deeper understanding and appreciation for His love.
I do not always see this side of me, and when I'm forced to look at it long and hard, I am horrified. But He always sees this side of me, and He is not horrified.
I want to turn away in disgust. He does not turn away, He leans in closer.
I want to throw up my hands, give up and run. He tightens His grip and locks Himself in for the long haul.
I am full of despair. He is full of promise.
This place I'm in is only a starting point, and a train is identified by where it's headed as much as by where it came from. So who I am is not just the boiling up of selfish fury I saw at 2 am. Who I am is also all the beauty He is crafting in its place: others-centered, giving, sweet, forgiving, not-easily angered, unassuming humility.
So change me, Lord. Peel away the frosting and work with the reality beneath it. Help me to see that you do so out of love, not contempt. You never reveal my issues to discourage me, but as an indicator of where you will next produce growth. I am safe in your unyielding favor even as I acknowledge my most unattractive traits. And I do not need to know how to fix what lies beneath. I only need to bring my brokenness to you and ask you to help.
For even in the beginning, you were the one who was able to create "very good" out of nothing at all.
"So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord - who is the Spirit- makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.
-2 Corinthians 3:17
"Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!"
-Psalm 116:2
"The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light."
- Genesis 1:2-3
Thank you so much for praying and keeping up with us!
We made it back to Florida safe and sound! We did have to replace two more tires on the trailer because they were starting to bulge, but made it back with no more breakdowns, and that is a huge answer to prayer!
Also, during our stop in Arizona, we got to see the house we'll be moving into for our time there. I was bracing myself, moving from beautiful Florida to the shrub-filled desert, but I had screwed my eyes shut and prayed for beauty. Then, I saw it! In the midst of a brown, dusty, cactus-y campus, we somehow ended up with a gorgeous GREEN lawn and REAL TREES!
Maybe it's not the most important thing in the world, but it was a big deal for me to see that the Lord knew how much it mattered to me and met me there.
During our trip we had several people join our team by deciding to support us financially, and that was such an encouragement! Thank you for praying for this!
Upon arriving back and working through our monthly budget, we also learned that several people had dropped their support. It felt a little like the whole fund-raising, ministry-sharing, 9,000 miles with a 3-month old baby was for nothing. But I think ultimately we have to look to the Lord to meet our needs, and He is able, with a word, to do vastly more than all our efforts can accomplish.
So please keep praying for us. Pray for us to keep our eyes on Him and not stress over how to make this work. He has called us, we will follow, and we will look to Him to meet our needs.
Pray that He will provide the support we still need. Especially as Cody begins flying out in Arizona, our monthly expenses will be pretty high and what we are receiving right now won't be enough. We are sharing at two more churches this month and meeting with everyone we can. Pray that the Lord builds the team we will need to serve Him in this ministry.
Abishai is 4 months old, eating solids, copying our laughs, and already has 4 teeth poking through (overachiever).
We saw a specialist Wednesday, who was able to identify a cyst that caused a malformation of his urethra and may be contributing to some of the inflammation/infections we're seeing. He'll need surgery to correct it sometime 6 months to a year from now. Please pray for the Lord to provide for this procedure and for Abi to stay healthy in the meantime.
The clutch is starting to go on our vehicle and it's a $1500 repair. We're hoping to sell the truck and replace it with a vehicle that has a better towing capacity, but we don't think it's realistic to make that happen before we move in August. The game plan for now is to rent a lighter trailer to move our belongings and bide our time with the truck til we're in a better place to upgrade. Please pray the clutch keeps working for us or that the Lord somehow provides for a different vehicle sooner than we anticipate.
Finally, pray for our hearts to welcome His refining work. This has been SUCH a stressful season, but we know that the Lord can be trusted, even as He applies pressure, training us, preparing us, allowing us to wait on Him. He uses the struggle. Pray for our hearts to see that and not to grow exasperated. Pray for us to let the frosting fall away and take great hope in what He is able to do, even when we have nothing at all to bring.
Love,
Cody + Beka
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