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My Dear Carolyn,
It is with a sense of great expectation for the day when you will make one of the most important decisions of your life, that I pen this letter. While the actual wedding day is significant, more important is the actual marriage which entails COMMITMENT, COMMUNION and CONSTANT COMMUNICATION. These three “Cs” are critical to the success of any marriage and should be prioritised accordingly.
COMMITMENT
As a Christian, your first commitment is to God, your Creator, Lord and Saviour. Your priority must be foremost your belief in the Lord Jesus Christ - the Compass that directs all decisions that you make in life. Matthew 6:33 makes it clear, “Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.” This includes your husband.
I would therefore very strongly recommend that you only contemplate marriage with someone who shares the same reference point as you do. (2 Corinthians 6: 14 - 17). My advice would be to wait on God to reveal to your heart “the one”. He must be a godly man who demonstrates an uncompromising love for God and knows Jesus intimately.
I recently heard a Christian couple, married for over forty years, making the point that if we prioritise the vertical relationship, i.e. our relationship with God, the horizontal relationship with your spouse is more than likely to be successful. Simply put God first in your life and everything else will fall in place.
He must also understand the meaning of the biblical injunction, “to leave and cleave”: “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” (Genesis 2: 24). After his commitment to God is his commitment to you as his wife.
COMMUNION
Communion is the sharing of thoughts, feelings and lives (emotional, mental, spiritual and physical) on the most intimate level. It is exposing your soul and spirit to your spouse, before God, in the context of marriage. It’s making yourself vulnerable, to experience the most intimate of human relationships. This can only be done in an environment of trust and acceptance, where there is security in the relationship. A practical way of cultivating this intimacy is through regular prayer together. Praying together in this way cultivates honesty, as it is difficult to be deceitful in the presence of our God who sees and knows everything. (Hebrews 4:13).
Speaking about the Sacrament of Holy Communion Paul urges, “That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking the cup.” (1 Corinthians 11:28). Our communion with God is serious business and God requires that our hearts be pure before Him and right with each other for us to experience its joys.
The intimacy of marriage is to be a flesh and blood representation of Jesus Christ’s intimacy with His Church. Therefore, just as you make right conflicts with God and others before participating in the joys of Holy Communion, you must be right with your spouse to enter into true and edifying communion with him. (Matthew 5: 23-24). In marriage, the desire to delight in the joys of communion forces each spouse to forgive and forgive quickly. Never allow an offence to fester and never go to bed angry. (Ephesians 4:26).
COMMUNICATION
We sometimes hear people speak of the “art of communication” but I prefer to think of it as “the heart of communication” because communication is to love what blood is to the body. When communication stops, the relationship dies; just as when blood stops flowing in the body, the person dies. Keep communicating and learn to do it well.
As your friendship develops, you will communicate more honestly and openly with each other. Note – you won't agree on everything, but you should learn to disagree respectfully, with each other’s viewpoints.
Speak less and listen more so that you can be more discerning. This takes discipline and a genuine desire to know the person.
Communicate your hopes and desires. Your husband is not a mind reader. He won't know unless you tell him. Let him also know gently, if at all possible, what displeases you.
If communicating with your husband becomes too challenging for you at any point in your marriage, seek godly counsel from couples who have been married for a long time or from those who have learnt well from their mistakes and can help you navigate your marriage.
You both must declare from Day 1 that divorce is not an option. This declaration is a sobering factor, which quickly opens the door for honest communication, to resolve any issue.
You are not perfect, but you are so special and precious, that any man who finds you - his wife, finds a good thing. (Proverbs18:22).
Finally, remember to rely on the Holy Spirit to live the life of love described in 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 7.
Lovingly,
Mom
P.S. Remember also, that each of you has your particular idiosyncrasies. Never enter marriage believing you can change the person. Only God can. Recognise also, that only in Christ can you find joy. Do not burden your husband with that responsibility, as he is not equipped, to meet that need permanently.
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