Hello amazing parents. By virtue of having opened this newsletter, it is clear you are committed to learning and growing—the true meaning of being a perfect parent.
This edition is devoted to sharing a few recent key insights that I hope will help you understand and respond most effectively and lovingly to your little (or not so little) one.
Kids Don't Want to Eat Crow
Fierce kids are often singularly focused on being in control. They will go to unfathomable extremes, often to their own detriment, to prove that you are "NOT THE BOSS OF ME!", and are dead set on not eating crow. They will avoid, at all costs, any appearance of having acceded to your agenda.
Here's a classic example: When Anna and Terrance come to see me, they are ensconced in a very negative dynamic around dinner. They are nagging, offering bribes, making threats—anything to try to convince their four-year-old, Elena, to come to the table. The harder they try, the more Elena digs in her heels. Then they change their approach. They stop all efforts to try to control her, and instead focus on what they can control: setting limits at mealtime. This includes a rule that food has to stay at the table and they put a time limit on how long dinner will last. Whether Elena decides to come to the table and fill her belly or not, the food goes away after 30 minutes. Once Elena experiences the natural consequences of her choices, and can no longer draw her parents into a power struggle, she starts to come to the table. Feeling victorious, Anna and Terrance welcome her with exuberance, along the lines of: "Elena, we are so glad you are joining us! Now you can fill your belly! Great choice!”
Fatal, unintended, mistake. Elena does a total about-face. She flees the table and returns to defiance-mode.
This is a dynamic parents report over and over. They naturally assume that showing their excitement and pleasure at their child's cooperation will be motivating to her; that she will be incentivized by their praise. But for kids who are obsessed with being in charge, it backfires and has the opposite effect. They process this response as their parents having "won", and so they retreat, especially if there is an added, "I-told-you-so."
So as counterintuitive as it seems, it's often best not to have a big reaction when your child ultimately cooperates with your expectation. This doesn't mean you ignore your child, you just refrain from communicating how proud or pleased YOU are.
When she comes to the table, you might seamlessly incorporate her into the discussion: "Daddy was just telling us the funniest story about his day. Did anything funny happen in your day?"
This dynamic is one to especially keep clearly in mind when it comes to toilet learning. I can't tell you how many stories I have heard from parents about major backslides in their child’s potty use after they have a potty party and shower their child with praise when he finally pees or poops on the toilet.
Check out these resources to learn more about how to avoid power struggles around mealtime and potty learning.
The Surprising Way To Put an End to Vitriol
I have written a lot about how to respond when children say mean things to you when they are triggered. (Check out "Mommy, You Are A Toilethead!" and "You're Not The Boss of Me!") In these articles, I show how reacting to vitriol often inadvertently amplifies this behavior, because any big reaction is reinforcing. I recommend ignoring the provocative language and speaking, instead, to the underlying feeling that is motivating the outburst. You tell your child that the tablet has to go away, even though he's not done with his game. Your child says you're stupid or the worst daddy who should not be living in the house anymore. You respond: "I know you're mad I'm not letting you finish your game. I understand. I don't expect you to like it." Then you move on. Consistently responding in this way tends to deflate the defiance because you are not giving any oxygen or power to your child’s protest.
Now I am introducing another element to this approach which is proving very effective: not ignoring but leaning into the vitriol. It goes something like this:
Child: "I hate you! You are the meanest mommy in the world. I want a different mommy!"
Mom: "Wow, that is a really big feeling. I am so glad you're sharing it with me. Tell me more about that. I want to understand."
Often, this response is so surprising to the child that he lets the whole thing go and moves on—good outcome. Other times, the child accepts the invitation and shares some feelings, like Eli who told his mom he’s mad because he thinks she favors his brother who gets more screen time. This allowed his mom to explain why they have different rules for different kids, based on different needs—another good outcome.
So while on the face of it, this idea sounds insane to most parents, who wonder why in the world they would respond with kindness when they think their child should be punished for being so mean, there are several good reasons to consider this approach:
1. When the vitriol isn’t effective in getting a big reaction or yanking your chain, it has not been successful. It loses its power and it peters out—the ultimate goal.
2. Your kids don't actually mean what they say in these charged moments. While they are acting like they want to push you away, that's not what they really want or need. They are just purging big emotions that they are having a hard time managing. If you take it personally and get angry, they are flooded with shame that they have hurt you, and confusion about the impact they did not mean to have. They fear the disconnect that ensues, and spiral further downward, not solving anything.
3. When you don't get angry or reactive, and in fact, do the exact opposite of what your child is expecting, it throws a monkey wrench into the tense, unproductive interaction and often moves your child from chaos to calm which makes problem-solving possible.
4. At the same time, you are showing your child that you want to hear about ALL of his feelings by welcoming him to share them. You are all ears. Getting the feelings out on the table means your child has less of a need to act them out.
The Takehome
What, from our adult perspective, seems like such a logical, helpful response is not necessarily processed that way by the child and so doesn't have the desired impact. The way to effectively teach your child the lesson you want to impart is often counterintuitive.
That is why it's important to step back and think about what makes your child tick and what the underlying meaning of her behavior is. That can help you rethink your approach and make course corrections for better outcomes.
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NEWSLETTER ARCHIVE
For those of you who are new to the newsletter, be sure to check out the archive for lots more insights into the meaning of your child’s behavior and (the sometimes surprising) ways to best support her development.
Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. I served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for 20+ years, where I oversaw the development of all parenting educational content. I have been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. I also provide training to local preschools and pediatric residents. I am the author of numerous parenting publications, curricula and articles in addition to a podcast and video series for parents and professionals. I write a column for PBSkids.org and have also written columns for Parents Magazine. I have been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
