Today I'm getting back to basics: reminding you why you set limits and what to expect from imposing them.
I am revisiting this essential subject because every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.
The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over.
The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents.
Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful.
Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit:
Jen and Arash had lost their joy in the bedtime routine. The one time of day they have to slow down and share a loving connection with their child was fraught with anxiety as they dreaded the inevitable, nightly battle to try to make Ari stay in bed, which tainted the whole experience for everyone. Knowing they had a plan to prevent the battle, and that they could count on a clear end to bedtime, Jen and Arash became more calm and present as they read books and had cuddle-time with Ari. They were no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now the bedtime routine is a time of bonding that fills Ari's (and their) cup—-precisely what they all need at the end of the day.
Their harsh, angry reaction was sending very negative messages that were being internalized by Ari—that he was the difficult kid who was making mom and dad very unhappy. Now, Jen and Arash have more positive feelings toward Ari. They are no longer annoyed and frustrated at his refusal to cooperate, which was making them feel incompetent and out of control. They are no longer resentful that he is cutting into the time they desperately need for themselves in the evening.
Jen and Arash can now count on having more personal time in the evenings to fortify themselves after a long day. Having this time to refuel is critical to their having the energy to show up for Ari as their best selves every day and be the parents they want to be.
Ari has learned to accept an important limit. After about a month, the screaming ended. Why he needed to scream all those nights when it had no effect on the process, we may never know. That's the jam for some kids, and it doesn't mean it's harmful to them. (It's the lack of the boundary that was harmful in this situation.) Ari started climbing right into bed and going contentedly to sleep. This life-changing outcome has led to Jen and Arash feeling more comfortable setting and sticking to other limits which has resulted in Ari becoming more cooperative and adaptable. overall.
Another biggie is the car seat battle, which my clients, Marco and Dave, got a handle on when they stopped trying to convince their four-year-old, Maisy, to get into the car seat and instead instituted the "two great choices": to hop in on her own or have one of her dads be a helper to get her belted in so they can get to school and work on time. Now there are no more power struggles, but Marco and Dave describe it as "Groundhog's Day". Every morning they do the same thing: if Maisy doesn't get in herself, they scoop her as calmly as possible and get her to the car, without any annoyance or anger. They acknowledge this is a tough transition and that they are being her helpers. They don't let the protests derail them. They always leave and get her to school on time. But she still whines and shouts that she wants to go back home until they arrive at school, when she completely calms and happily runs to her teacher. Marco and Dave believe there is something wrong with this plan because Maisy is still so distressed, when, in fact, they are giving her a gift, because:
They now stay calm and loving, knowing they are ultimately in control of the outcome. They don't go into the "gray zone", ceding control by trying to get her to cooperate with the plan (which usually leads to a lot of yelling, threats, anger, all of which leave them and Maisy feeling awful.)
They are helping Maisy see that they will be her rock to help her through a tough transition. They are teaching her that she can have big feelings about going from home to school AND be able to make that transition; that they accept and are not afraid of those big feelings, and that they trust that she can work through them.
They successfully get Maisy to school, and themselves to work, on time.
Keep in mind that while the limit is not predicated on your child's acceptance of it, nor is it guaranteed to change your child's behavior, it turns out that when you follow through, and stay calm and loving as you implement the boundary, kids' behavior tends to change. They start accepting limits because they see that the protest or meltdown isn't resulting in your caving on the limit or garnering a lot of attention. And they learn that they can survive not getting exactly what they want when they want it, or that they can make a transition, even when it feels really hard.
The take home: Don't fall into the trap of judging your limits based on your child's reaction. Instead, follow these steps:
Think about what you do and don't control in the situation you are faced with. Remember, you can't control what your child says or does, so stay focused on what you do control: you.
Think about what the "two great choices are": option one is cooperating with the plan; option two is an end-game that you control to ensure the expectation/limit is followed. "Charlie, it's time to take a bath. That's a 'have-to'. How it happens is totally up to you. You have two great choices: you can be in charge of your body and get yourself into the bath on your own, or, I will be a helper and get you into the bath. So, think about what the best choice is for Charlie—to be in charge of your body or have mommy be a helper. You decide."
Implement the plan, based on your child's choice/actions, as calmly and supportively as possible. (Note that it’s not necessarily a conscious choice your child is making. When triggered, children are often in fight/flight mode and not in control of their actions.) Either way, avoiding the power struggle, and staying calm and kind as you follow through on the limit, is what’s loving and what they need from you.
To dive in deeper on how to set limits with love, check out this blog.
Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. I served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for 20+ years, where I oversaw the development of all parenting educational content. I have been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. I also provide training to local preschools and pediatric residents. I am the author of numerous parenting publications, curricula and articles in addition to a podcast and video series for parents and professionals. I write a column for PBSkids.org and have also written columns for Parents Magazine. I have been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
