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bottASS, Indeed

Howdy, hi, hello. Welcome to Engine Failure, a Formula 1 culture newsletter that dives into what the fuck is really going on in F1. It’s written by me, Lily Herman.

Welcome to the second of this week’s two bonus Engine Failure issues! You should catch up on the extremely long Monday newsletter as well as Tuesday’s bonus email before you move on to this one. (Seriously though, this email won’t make a lot of sense without reading at least some of Tuesday’s.) But anyway, let's talk about a particular pair of cheeks on the grid!

The Butt of It All

Besties and enemies, I had an entirely different bonus newsletter planned for today — until our good friend Valtteri Viktor Bottas of Nastola, Finland intentionally put his rear end all over the World Wide Web. Move over, Kim Kardashian, because this is the image that truly broke the internet, so much so that even TMZ covered it. (Mercedes’ delightful social media crew also took this opportunity to once again make their Twitter account about Val despite the team giving him the boot last season, and I don’t even blame them.)

All I can think about is how shriveled up Val’s privates must’ve been taking this photo in a freezing AF Colorado stream. The water’s not necessarily hitting bubble bath temps this time of year — or ever. But onto more important questions: How did this photo come about, and what exactly is the point of it, if any?

To recap what we discussed in the first bonus issue this week, perennial EF faves Val and Tiffany Cromwell have been galavanting around the world with sought-after celebrity, fashion, and sports photographer Paul Ripke over the past few weeks for exact reasons unknown. A little more context that I didn't get into earlier: Paul has worked with Mercedes before and reportedly quit his stint with the team in 2019 due to general "unhappiness" and a rift with Lewis Hamilton, but this big, public third-wheel energy with Tiff and Val is much newer. Their latest collaboration though could be as simple as Val deciding to step up his branding this season with a new team and hiring Paul to come along for the ride. (Also, thank you to the reader who submitted a note to the EF anonymous tip box about how Val previously worked a lot with photographer Jan-Erik Olin on- and off-track for several years before this. The man has long loved an entourage!)

What we do know is that now Paul is selling prints of Val’s ass (pretentiously and cleverly titled “bottASS”) for $12 via his NFT-adjacent clothing brand PARI just for today (Thursday, May 12th). Apparently proceeds from the sale will go to “Valtteri’s charity,” though there’s no obvious mention of what that charity actually is. But did I go ahead and buy the poster anyway? Of course. I’m a serious journalist, for God’s sake!!! I need to be thorough!!!! For research!!!

Paul's sudden resurgence aside, Val seems like he’s thriving, and I’d like to believe that a little bit of Lewis Hamilton’s DGAF attitude and love of side projects have worn off on him. (He and Tiff actually talked about their multitasking power couple status in a recent Cycling Weekly interview, where T also mentioned that she’d looked into a career in fashion before picking up professional cycling. It makes sense that she designs all of V’s helmets nowadays. Ugh, I love them.)

And as if Valtteri wasn’t already having a big week between finishing P7 in Miami and putting his buttocks out there for all the world to see, he announced with Tiff that they’re doing a VIP event for their gin brand OATH at the Spanish Grand Prix in a week and a half. The cost of attendance? Over $8,000 for the weekend. You do get to meet Val, earn trackside access, and eat dinner though. Ah, rich people.

Also, as much as I love Tiff and Val, they’ve been teasing OATH for well over a month and only just announced early this morning that the product is now available in Alko stores in Finland. We’ve still got no official website for the brand or any idea of a larger international rollout. I have questions!!!

Like what you see? Check out other recent Engine Failure issues and then forward this newsletter to a friend because you're a nice person who wants to see me ~succeed~:

And if you have tips, suggestions, theories, intel, gossip, or questions, tweet me, send me an email, or use EF’s anonymous tip box.

In case you didn’t notice, we haven’t done a ranking this week, mostly because we had far too much other shit to get to. But fear not, I am here to rank drivers whom I think could pull off the bottASS moment in all of its tasteful, artsy glory.

P1: Lewis Hamilton. I mean, could anyone other than our questionably pierced knight come in first place here? The man has already done his fair share of more editorial photo shoots, albeit with slightly more clothes.

P2: George Russell. The dude is perpetually looking for an excuse to shed clothing. It's only a matter of time before we get some action on this front.

P3: Pierre Gasly. Need I say more? (On the flip side, I think drivers Charles and Carlos would be too self-conscious for something high-brow like this.)

P4: Mick Schumacher. Hear me out! Mick is a bashful and private young lad, but if he was ever going to do something edgy during a period of rebellion, a nude dip in a river would be it, IMO. (I’ll be honest: I don’t know if I see Seb doing something this art-driven anytime soon, even if he’s the most crunchy granola guy on the grid. I think he'd do it in a joke-y way. But I could be persuaded otherwise!)

P5: Kevin Magnussen. This is my other wildcard pick after Mick; I can’t be the only one who can totally picture KMag doing something like this.

For those of you who are like, BUT WHERE IS DANIEL JOSEPH RICCIARDO??? Y’all, let’s be real: Danny isn’t serious enough for this type of #art, though I wouldn’t be surprised if we spot his derriere sometime in the future. But it’ll most likely be a different aesthetic.

Continuing the Val love today, our guy was spotted modeling other clothes from the PARI line as well as a watch by his sponsor Sarpaneva. You really won't find a happier clam these days.

Most of the WAGs have been pretty offline the last few days save for a few random photos here and there, so let’s talk about two presenters y’all are interested in.

First, I’ve got confirmation that Andrea Schlager, Austrian F1 presenter and Fernando Alonso’s new girlfriend, wore two different AlphaTauri dresses in Miami. Not to mention, she's worn AT clothing on numerous other occasions per her Instagram, which leads me to believe there's something else going on here. (She was raised in Styria and worked at a number of Formula 1 races growing up, including some at the now-named Red Bull Ring, plus Red Bull's marketing team has featured her in videos before; even a subtle allegiance to RBR isn't surprising.) Ah, gotta love the murky world of F1 journalism ethics.

And second, an update on Sky Sports presenter Naomi Schiff: She’s getting a little bit better at tagging quite a few of her clothes on IG (bless her), and I continue to love her coverage. Here are a few highlights from the last few weeks. (The coat on the bottom left is from Ahluwalia, btw. A few of her other favorite recent brands include River Island, Because of Alice, and & Other Stories. She's also a hardcore PUMA girly, which makes sense since they sponsor her.)

Thank you to EF reader Felicia for pointing out that Carlos did wear denim earlier today! It's not my fave, but it's passable. In addition to that though, he kept the general thirst trap vibes of the grid going this week by posting a couple of shirtless photos. What a mensch.

The best report on the Miami GP, bar none. Here's why the Miami GP track was so fucked up, like for real though. Miami may have been That Bitch. Jamie Chadwick wants to get into F1 on merit. George Russell does yet another American media interview. WaPo discovers F1 yet again. OK, was Miami really Fyre Fest to some of y'all? A different perspective on the rich AF GP. Is Miami ~the future~ of American F1? Danny and Lando were being naughty, naughty. Las Vegas taxpayers may not be happy with their future GP. A dozen Qs for KMag. Sorry to the Michael Italiano haters. In case you didn’t know, Drive to Survive is important. TAG Heuer wants to get rich people excited for the Indy 500.

Monday’s question: You’re tasked with picking a single non-athlete reality TV star to become an official F1 ambassador. Who should it be? Make your case!

Submit your answer here.