Good afternoon, and welcome to story hour, where we tell fantastic lies, tall tales, and other assorted snorters about books. Most of what we tell you will probably be hyperbolic and overly adjectived. Except for the bits about James Patterson. Those are all completely true. 

Why? Because this week James has outdone himself. Has he co-written a true crime thriller that is also an exposé on modern capitalist overreach? Has he written an outline that not one, not two, but three writers fleshed out into 156 chapters that are all less than eight paragraphs long? Has he conquered yet another genre in which he has shown no previous interest? No, James has not done any of those things—not this week. What he has done this week is produce a memoir. 
 

James Patterson by James Patterson is the title, and it's written by—wait for it—James Patterson. All the secrets, dear readers, about how he did it, why he did it, and what he learned while doing it. 

We're talking about writing, people. Not some other—geez. W-R-I-T-I-N-G. 

Anyway, if you are wondering how boys from small towns in New York state grow up to become literary superstars, well, here you go. Full of toss away lines about the famous people he's met, how he approaches writing, and what's wrong with the world today, James Patterson by James Patterson is, uh, a thing. More of a bucket list thing for him; probably a summer read for us. 
 

We kinda feel like the rest of this newsletter should be books with titles that could have been alternate titles for James's book or are possible discarded chapter titles. Like, Katie Gutierrez's More Than You'll Ever Know, which is the story of a crafty lady who married two dudes and somehow convinced one of them to murder the other. The truth comes out when an intrepid true crime writer interviews our clever lady and, well, discovers, oh so much more than she anticipates. A fabulous debut by Gutierrez, More Than You'll Ever Know will keep you making the noise as you whip through the final chapters. 
 

Or, how about: It All Comes Down To This, Therese Anne Fowler's rewarding novel of sisterhood, heartbreak, and what we'll do to find our way home, even when we don't know where home is. It's midlife reckoning ala Jane Austen or Anne Patchett, as Fowler gives us a terminally ill matriarch who makes one last attempt to manipulate her daughters for good. Though, come on, we all know how these good intentions turn out, but Fowler keeps the multiple story lines from getting out of control, and, yes, it does all come down to "this." 
 

And there is The Heart of the Deal, Lindsay MacMillan's coming-of-age novel about a lovely New York banker named Rae who is stuck in a romantic recession. Will Rae be stuck on the sidelines as her friends find lasting love? Will she be passed over—again—for a promotion? Will she make the right choice—for Rae—when she has to? Oh, we're not going to answer any of these questions. Those are for you to find out as you get lost in The Heart of the Deal. 
 

And, surely, there's room for a cult classic in James's ouevre, isn't there? We're sure there's room. Anyway, in Cult Classic, Sloane Crosley offers up a dizzying conflux of light dating, modern metaphysical ruminations, and a heavy dose of ghostly ex-boyfriends. Lola, a sharp-tongued, sharp-minded sort of city gal discovers some bendy bits and odd corners to reality as she encounters a string of exes, and the deeper we go, the more Crosley entangles us in a fascinating conversation about attraction, permanence, and what love is really about. Definitely the sort of book that Michael Gondry would have fun directing. 
 

And speaking of things not entirely as they appear, here is J. M. Miro's Ordinary Monsters, which isn't a very Patterson-esque title, honestly, because the man doesn't write horror. Oddly enough. You'd think he'd give it a whack. 

Anyway, Miro's Ordinary Monsters is the story of a Victorian detective and her wards, Charlie and Marlowe. Charlie has a penchant for healing instantly, and Marlowe knows how to melt your bones. Together, they chase monsters in foggy ole London town, where the shadows are thick and the mood in grim. Miro, however, has a deft hand, which makes this hefty tome an engrossing read. More to come, so settle in now with Ordinary Monsters. 
 

And speaking of hanging out in London (which is straying far from our conceit, but eh, once these things start rolling, they sort of have a mind of their own, which is not how James plots his books, by the way. Oh, no. Those are very well planned out.), here is Kate Khavari's A Botanist's Guide to Parties and Poison, which is about academic backstabbing, lethal plants, and nefarious plots. Oh, and did we mention the botanical lore? So much botanical lore. Not that any of us need a primer on What Not to Eat in the Wild, but sure, there's some of that too. This is a great debut with lots of fantastic world-building. We can't wait to see more from Khavari. 
 

And speaking of fantastic characters, here is Kirsten Chen's Counterfeit—which could totally be a chapter title from James's memoir, but isn't, in this case. Counterfeit, the novel, is the story of Ava and Winnie, two childhood chums who are thrown together later in life. Ava is having a bit of a midlife crisis when Winnie reappears in her life, all decked out and gorgeous. Feeling a little like she missed her chance, Ava falls in with Winnie, where she discovers that Winnie's life is a shell game of counterfeits and conceits. Just as we think we know the truth, the story flips and we get Winnie's side of things, and suddenly, we're to wonder what exactly Ava is hiding. Chen keeps us guessing right up to the end. Marvelous!
 

And speaking of keeping us guessing, here is Steve Brusatte's The Rise and Reign of the Mammals: A New History, from the Shadow of the Dinosaurs to Us. Previously, Brusatte kept us spellbound with The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs, and this time around, he's tackling Those Who Came Later and Who Are Still Around. Brusatte knows that we're not here for the fossil talk, and he delivers a well-paced story about the walkers, hoppers, and talkers who came after the plodders. Recommended. 

(And by "keeping us guessing," we meant "Hey, how is this book title related to James Patterson?" Still wondering, aren't you?)
 

And equally tangential, here is Directed by James Burrows, written by James Burrows. Burrows is a TV director, and if you've laughed at something on TV over the last couple decades, odds are it was a sitcom that Burrows directed. The man's a legend in the business, and his Hollywood tell-all is a glorious behind-the-scenes look at how sitcoms are made. Burrows got started on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show, shoved those six friends out of the nest, opened that bar in Boston, and followed the self-important talk show host to Seattle. Along the way, he directed all 246 episodes of Will & Grace. Actor Christopher Lloyd says it well: "If you have owned a television in the last fifty years, this man has brought joy to your life." 

And here we are, dear friends. Make sure you are finding joy, whether it be on the box with the movie pictures or in the flappy things with lots of words. Sing out loud when you listen to music. Laugh at all the bad jokes you hear. Smile at babies. Heck, smile at everyone. (Babies, at least, won't be weirded out by your behavior.)

And remember: if James Patterson can do it, so can you. No, wait. If you can do something, you can write a book about it later. That's it. That's the take home lesson.