Judy Lipson's Newsletter for Transformation
Finding Your Light to Remember and Become Who You Really Are
PARENTING TIPS
8 FIGHTS WORTH PICKING WITH YOUR KIDS:
Parenting is hard. Parents have to choose their battles. Here are 8 fights worth picking with your kids:
The Reading Fight:
Make your kids read. Because reading is tied to everything from cognitive development to the ability to focus. Make your kids read now.
The Outside Fight:
Make your kids go outside. The natural world teaches us things. Plus, outside there's sunshine, fresh air, and exercise waiting for them. Most importantly, nature is full of things in short supply in our world: Discovery, wonder, peace, joy.
The Work Fight:
Make your kids work. I’m saddened by how many parents don’t require their kids to lift a finger at home. There are priceless life principles you can only learn with a mop in your hand. Let sweat be their teacher.
The Meal Fight:
Make your kids eat as a family. Our lives are a blur of incessant activity. Meals together are a physical pause to recover a truth so easily sacrificed at the altar of busyness. Nothing's more important than family.
The Boredom Fight:
Make your kids live with boredom. Don't show a DVD on each car ride. Kids need unscheduled time. And, odd as it sounds, boredom is a skill. It's hard as a parent to deal with the assault of boredom complaints. But if you give in and fill up their time with external stimuli, you'll raise an activity addict. Make them learn how to be.
The "Me First" Fight:
Make your kids go last. Not every time for everything. But enough to remember that the world doesn't revolve around them. Take the smallest piece. Give up the remote. Do someone else's chores. Get their least favorite choice. They won't like it, but they need it.
The Awkward Conversation Fight:
Make your kids have uncomfortable conversations with you. Sex, dating, body image, values...Your kids will roll their eyes and resist. You will stumble and stutter. They need and want your perspective, lessons learned, and wisdom.
The Limitation Fight:
Learning to live within limits is a valuable life skill. In fact, many adult problems arise from an inability to accept them. Screen time limits, dietary limits, activity limits, and schedule limits are all good.
As a parent, you have to pick your battles. They're not easy, but they're worth the fight.
*Copied from David Morris on Twitter
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In honor of Mother's Day, there was an article in The NY Times compiling motherhood advice quotes. Here are two of my favorites:
DITCH THE BLAME:
My son is on the autism spectrum, and his frustrations controlled him as a child — breaking things, tantrums, hitting. My standard approach to parenting, to reward good behavior and punish bad, wasn’t working. An autism counselor told us that when my son did something wrong, he knew he’d done wrong and didn’t need to be punished. He needed me to hug him and say, “You must be so frustrated.” Everything changed when I did that. My son calmed immediately, was contrite, and we were able to work on solutions. And then I did it with my daughter, my husband, my friends and myself. We all need love and acceptance more than we need blame. - Lucia Johnson
PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS:
You are not necessarily going to be “good” at being a mom at every stage of the child’s life. You may be better at dealing with a toddler than with a newborn, or even a 9-year-old. Just as we all excel at some things, know that you may not have the best skills at every stage. - Nancy Grey
PROFESSIONAL OPPORTUNITIES FOR 2022
I have come across some great suggestions, written by other professionals, that I want to share with you:
Consultations
or
Specialized Self-Care For Empathic Clinicians
and Your Sensitive Clients
(Offered as a presentation or in 1:1 or group virtual sessions)
Read more about these opportunities
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I APPRECIATE YOUR FEEDBACK
Judy, LOVE the article you wrote on rewriting our messages [Find Your Truth: Re-Write the Messages That You Erroneously Learned in Childhood]. As a testimony, it works… when I look back on some of those time periods right now they don’t feel so sad and my body is calm remembering. Will continue this. Reminds me of a favorite quote of mine…. If you own your story you can write the ending.
- K. F.
AND YOUR QUESTIONS
Q: I found the tapping process so helpful when we did it together! How do I do it on my own?
A: I. too, find tapping, often called EFT (emotional freedom technique) extremely powerful! There are amazing scripts on the The Tapping Solution's app (free version is sufficient) and website. But I like to speak aloud what is coming up for me in real time including the sensations, thoughts and feelings (both positive and challenging) just as we did together in session. Move through the tapping points as you speak. If you don't remember the full protocol of points you can tap on the bone below your eye, your collar bone and/or the side of your hand. Here are posters to show you the points in the full protocol. Adult version (scroll toward the bottom), or the visual for kids.
Q: Judy, I found the fist visualization (to explain the response of the amygdala when fight or flight happens) to be really helpful and want to be able to share it with others.
A: I love this representation! Here is a short video for you to watch and share with others. Dan Siegel describes the hand model of the brain so we understand how the brain is less responsive to learning (and shifting) when there is trauma, anxiety or meltdown.
Q: I recently heard about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and now you just mentioned it in regards to my child. I'm so excited to know that you are familiar with it. Please tell me more.
A: If a child (or adult) is overwhelmed and has minimal bandwidth, they will be more inclined to avoid expectations or the requests made of them by others (the demands). Unfortunately, the term is one more example of how words can create a very negative connotation.
For more understanding, here's an explanation of PDA by autism specialists Tony Attwood and Michelle Garnett.
In a different blog, I read that PDA should instead stand for Persistent Drive for Autonomy. I so agree!!! And with that recognition, instead of using behavioral techniques to develop compliant behavior for our demands, we can teach the individual how to better explain themselves and their needs as an alternative to simply avoiding.
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QUOTES
Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside of you is only a reflection of the world inside you.
lonerwolf
“If the goal of the parent is catharsis - I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am - then yelling is probably perfect. If the goal here is to change something in the child or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that.”
Dr. Alan Kazdin (from the article Why You Should Stop Yelling at Your Kids. Click the link to learn more. If you don't have a NY Times subscription, then here are a few passages. ABCs: Antecedent is the set up where you tell the child what you want. Behavior is where you define, explain, and model the actual behavior. Consequence is your expression of approval. The ABC method of praise is a highly specific technique. You have to be effusive, so you actually have to put a big dumb smile on your face and even wave your hands in the air. Next thing is you have to say, in a very high, cheerful voice, exactly what you’re praising. And then the third part is you have to touch the child and give him some kind of nonverbal praise. The silliness is a feature, not a bug. It makes the kid notice the praise that accompanies correct behavior. And that’s the point.)
I am willing to endure the discomfort of self-discovery in order that I be healed.
Marianne Williamson
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COMMUNITY EVENTS
October 26-28, 2022: MASSW Annual Conference, Ann Arbor Marriott Ypsilanti at Eagle Crest.
Spring, 2023: MCA (Michigan Counseling Association) annual conference, Holistic Health - Taking Care of Yourself, Your Clients and Your Community
Pathway to Hope 2021 Resource Guide offered by Healing Complex Kids. The first 4000 copies ordered with an Oakland County zip code are free, due to a generous grant! If you are not in Oakland County, or are after the 4000, then they are $9.97 + $5 for shipping and handling.
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TIPS AND RESOURCES
PERFECTIONISM
Understand that creative people make terrible things all the time. In order to do something good or even great, you must make mistakes. You must produce poor results. You must accept the fact that every single person on this planet who has ever made something great has also made many, many bad things. Perfection almost always equates to inaction. Matthew Dicks
For more on perfectionism I invite you to read my article.
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Judy Lipson, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
Judy is a Licensed Professional Counselor who supports Sensitives of all ages - including ADHD, Anxiety, and Autism - in life, work and school. She can also help you Remember and Become Who You Really Are. Judy offers Transformational Counseling, Educational Consultations, and Academic Strategies. Presentations and Workshops also available.
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Parenting on the Go - Sensitives
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"I so thoroughly enjoyed your most recent Spiral Wisdom Newsletter for Transformation. I just loved your insights, giving clarity to things as they are, that have impacted us all. Your metaphysical approach is so spot on, resonating, and aligning with the introspective work I am doing with my clients. Thanks for including me in your community and for inspirationally adding to my day."
- J. M.
"It worked!!! I have had numerous moments to test the outcome of the work that we did. It’s amazing. You are amazing. I hear everything. I care about it. I don’t have an emotional attachment to it. Before I saw you last week, I did not know that this was an option. Thank you so much."
– Elli A
"I just finished reading your Newsletter! It is PHENOMENAL!!!! I am so looking forward to watching the podcasts! This is going to be SO Helpful for SO many people and a great way to reach out to the community and the world! I am blown away on Every level with this newsletter!!!! It is BRILLIANT!!!!!"
- S. W.
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"I enjoyed the multifaceted forms of intervention that Judy provided. the presentation of senses and energy work may not be a widespread, common practice, but it is helpful to identify or open up the conversation to for who can feel the energy or have heightened senses. I enjoyed this presentation. Thank you, Judy!"
- MASSW attendee
"Your ability to do guided imagery with me is so comforting and
reassuring and, even though you're doing the guiding, it still leaves me with the feeling that I can help myself when need be. You're such a talented therapist!! I hope you appreciate the impact that you have on so many people!"
- Sue S
"I just wanted to let you know I have received wonderful feedback about your services =) So glad we found each other through the networking services."
- Dana S. (referring therapist)
"This is such wonderfully needed information. I am so thankful our paths crossed and I am able to grow and help others balance with the value of your insights, knowledge and wisdom."
- S. S.
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