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This issue is about a lawn mower adventure, bizarro OnlyFans headlines, a wild Steven Seagal story, clussy, and so much more.

The Man Who Road-Tripped 4,000 Miles Across the Country on a Lawn Mower

 

For all the high pressure situations Brad Hauter faced as a pro soccer goalkeeper, nothing quite prepared him for careening down the side of a mountain on a rattling, out-of-control riding lawn mower. “I was quickly approaching a sign that we hadn’t seen at the top saying, ‘WARNING: 25MPH TURN,’” Hauter tells me. “I was nearing 60 miles per hour on a vehicle that normally topped out at — and therefore only had the brakes to handle — eight miles per hour. That’s when I realized there weren’t any guardrails.” 

 

The 33-year-old had been driving eight to 10 hours a day for roughly 46 days straight through alleys, parks, yards, backroads and highways. He’d started in Atlanta, Georgia, and had now made it to Blanding, Utah. He was so close to his final destination — the end of a pier in Santa Monica, California — which would culminate in a Guinness World Record-clinching 4,000-mile continuous lawn mower ride. And so, he wasn’t about to let his trusty travel companion go and throw it all away. “But by this time I’m up on two wheels and leaning the other direction. Then it was just… there’s no way, it’s going to flip,” he tells me. “So I jump off, hit the pavement, break my arm and watch the mower go over the edge.” 

 

Had anyone else been driving their lawn mower through the mountains that day, they might’ve called it quits. But not Hauter. In fact, having to be helicopter-ed to New Mexico for emergency surgery only made him more determined to finish the journey that began with a forwarded promotional email from a coworker at St. Mary’s University in Winona, Minnesota. The lawn-care company MTD Products Inc. was looking for someone to ride their Yard-Man riding mower across the country. It was an event they were calling “Mow Across America,” and the act of pure American grit would hopefully raise funds for the Keep America Beautiful organization. 

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Bizarro OnlyFans Headlines Are Filling the Jerry Springer Void

 

Take a look at the most scandalous stupid-tabloid stories of the last few weeks. “We just found out we’re siblings — but we’re still dating,” a New York Post article reads. “Teacher pregnant by student, is keeping the baby,” says another. “Grandma, 61, and younger husband, 24, are ready to have a baby,” reads a third. 

 

They all sound like episodes of Jerry Springer — the type of contrived, outrageous scenarios that make perfect fodder for television with zero substance other than shock. They have something else in common, too, though: They’re all advertisements for OnlyFans
 

Several times a week, the New York Post and similar publications share these ludicrous human-interest stories that have no real value in informing the public beyond being clickbaity. As with Springer, Maury, The Steve Wilkos Show and other daytime talk shows of this nature, such stories get spread mostly because people want their 15 minutes of fame. Why else did talk-show guests air their extremely dirty laundry for millions of viewers at home if not to enjoy the momentary attention it brought? But now, the majority of those pursuing this shock-based clout seem to have a new motivation: a boost to their OnlyFans revenue. 

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Shopping Pick of the Day




 

 

Make Your Point with Spike, the Beginner-Friendly Sensation Play Tool


 

The Proud Boys Won Big on January 6th

 

Despite investigations, conspiracy charges and lots of toxic gossip, new testimony from the January 6th hearings proves how the Proud Boys became essential to the right-wing political machine — and why they’re primed to take seats in electoral races today


 

For Some People, the Sexual Side Effects of SSRIs Never Go Away

 

Most of us know that antidepressants can interfere with things like erections, orgasm strength and vaginal lubrication. But for many, those symptoms persist, even when they stop taking the drugs


 

 

How a Crucial January 6th Witness Became ‘Amber Heard 2.0’

 

Some ‘liberal’ Johnny Depp stans were shocked to find MAGA types piggybacking on their social media hate campaign


The Gospel of ‘Bull Durham,’ According to Ron Shelton

 

The director of what many consider to be the greatest baseball movie of all time reflects on the fisticuffs that took place on set, getting edit notes from Donald Trump and what Crash Davis would think about the National League now having a designated hitter


 

The Ineffable Quality of Men Who’d Let You Finish First

 

Much like Big Dick Energy, the vibe of a man who’d make sure you came first is hard to describe. But that hasn’t stopped TikTok from trying to put words to the coveted quality


 

The Pope Is a Fake, According to Catholics Who Definitely Know How This Works

 

Giving communion to pro-abortion Nancy Pelosi is just the latest reason for conservatives to doubt Francis’ legitimacy


 

 

Serve Me Up a Slice of That Clussy


A portmanteau for ‘clown pussy,’ it’s the internet’s latest horny thing. But thirst for clowns is nothing new


 

The Insidious Idiocy of ‘We Will Adopt Your Baby’ Memes

 

After a seemingly well-meaning couple went viral for holding a ‘We will adopt your baby’ sign, meme makers chimed in to highlight the dark reality of their offer


Pregnant Women Are 16 Percent More Likely to Die By Homicide. What Happens After Roe?

 

Abortion care at least gives them a chance to untether themselves from an abusive relationship, quell the anger of men who don’t want a child and potentially prevent a child from being born into violence


 

Five Years Later, ‘The House’ Is Still the Great Will Ferrell Misfire

 

Both a critical and commercial dud, his pairing with Amy Poehler didn’t work at all. But this comedy’s portrait of middle-aged mediocrity and economic anxiety is so intriguing that you can see the terrific satire it could have been


 

Jeremy Allen White in ‘The Bear’ Looks Like the Type of Fuckboy Every Woman Knows


Images of a disheveled, tattooed guy named Carmy have many reminiscing about that one guy they banged behind a dumpster


 

Dive Deep Into Your Upside Down with this ‘Stranger Things’ Dildo


As the buzz around the second half of Season Four picks up, one thing’s become overwhelmingly clear: Everyone wants some Demogorgon dick


 

I Have the World’s Largest Collection of Penises


From mouse dicks to whale dong, no one has more perfectly preserved penises than Thordur O. Thordarson and his ever-growing Icelandic Phallological Museum

More Stories We Think You'll Like

 

When anxiety is in your body. How to sober up before bed. What gym chalk is used for. The world wasn’t ready for Magic Mike. Is stronger weed more “addictive”? Lake Superior has thoughts about your inane abortion tweets. What happens when your brain is on autopilot? Why you should work out with sandbags.


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