My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and have achieved near-total familiarity with each other’s bodies and desires. You’d think this familiarity would be a good thing, but Googling “how to keep the spark alive” tells me that for most couples, it’s a problem. I can sort of see the logic of this even if I don’t experience it that way. We no longer have that feral need to fuck five times in one sitting because we don’t know when we’re going to see each other again, for example. If I want to see him again, all I usually have to do is look across the room — hardly a recipe for erotic longing.
Still, Dr. Google’s advice on the matter was depressing. “Schedule intimacy dates” was rational enough, but the idea of bringing my iCal into my sex life was a bummer. “Surprise him at work” isn’t particularly applicable when “him” works on a jobsite two hours away — who wants to shlep out to Middle of Nowhere, NJ, only to take a stray rebar to the puss and be out of commission for weeks? As for “hire a sex coach,” my bedroom only has enough room for one creepy broad in a caftan, thank you very much. I had all but given up on the idea of inflicting poorly considered sex therapy on my boyfriend when I learned about Clitter.
Clitter by Fizzin Bath Bombs purports to be a “novelty water-based lube with a glitter bomb,” exactly the kind of low-effort, high-reward shit I was looking for. Surprise your man with an extra flamboyant creampie today! Serve cunt while you serve cunt! It also comes all the way from Australia, meaning that by the time my Clitter arrived, I’d forgotten I ordered it. FAQs about the product include: “Can I use your products while pregnant or breastfeeding?”, “Are the Clitter capsules even safe?” and, my favorite, “How do the Clitter capsules even work?!” (interrobang very much sic).
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