This issue is all about Seinfeld, booze adventures, how narcissists cum, the most beautiful Taco Bell in the world, and thirst for Nathan Fielder. 

A Deceptively Small Oral History of ‘Shrinkage,’ the Perfect Seinfeldian Word

“I was in the pool! I was in the pool!”

That was George Costanza’s panicked defense of his underwhelming penis size after Jerry’s girlfriend walked in on him naked in the Seinfeld episode “The Hamptons.” In the next scene, George recounts this to Jerry, explaining that the pool’s cold water had affected his appearance. Then, Jerry replies by saying, “You mean… shrinkage?” “Yes!” George snaps back, “Significant shrinkage!”

Just about every guy has experienced the phenomenon of shrinkage — be it after a swim or because of cold weather — but it wasn’t until May 12, 1994 that they had a single, perfect word to describe it. “You mean… shrinkage?” is all Jerry needed to say, and instantly, every guy understood what was going on. 

While a good number of words in the American lexicon can be traced to Seinfeld’s popularity, “shrinkage” may be the best example of a truly Seinfeld-ian word, if only because no other word can substitute (not to take anything away from “yada yada yada,” but in most situations, “blah blah blah” would be about as effective). With “shrinkage,” nothing in the thesaurus even comes close — there isn’t even medical terminology to describe it. It’s simply a perfect word.

More Seinfeld

• The Braless ‘Seinfeld’ Episode Where Big Naturals Were the Star
• An Oral History of Izzy Mandelbaum, Seinfeld’s Octogenarian Macho Man
• Reimagining ‘Seinfeld’ Characters As Bussin E-Boys Will Always Slap
• I Tried the ‘Seinfeld’ Butter Shave to See If It Would Make My Skin ‘Silky Smooth’
• The Untold Origin Story of Seinfeld’s Bass-Slapping, Mouth-Popping, Finger-Snapping Theme Music
• How Did All the Guys Elaine Dated on ‘Seinfeld’ Manage to Screw It Up?

I Whipped Up a Batch of Bathtub Four Loko, and I May Never Sleep Again

I used to resent the fact that the original formula of caffeinated Four Loko was taken off shelves before my time. Removed from the market by December 2010 and replaced with a non-caffeinated version, I was 14 and still well-behaved enough to have no interest in it. As an adult, though, I often felt like something was stolen from me — who does the government think they are to tell me I can’t black out while also fully caffeinated? What was it like to have that experience — 14 percent alcohol and two cups of coffee’s worth of caffeine — all in one tallboy can? What splendors of the drunken experience did I miss out on?

Today, I can tell you that these desires were misguided. Foolish. Downright dumb. Because today, I decided to DIY myself an OG Four Loko. And today, I deeply regret that decision. 

There are several recipes online for concocting a beverage as similar as possible to the original Four Loko, which had an unspecified but estimated 156 milligrams of caffeine per 23.5-ounce can. All of these recipes go the analog route, concocting each element of the Four Loko from scratch. One popular Gizmodo recipe calls for using malt liquor like Steel Reserve or Olde English, vodka, Kool Aid and an effervescent caffeine tablet called Berocca with an unholy 260 milligrams of caffeine. The recipe also suggests adding an extra tablespoon of sugar, just to match the contents of the original. Last year, Katie Way at VICE tried out three different potential DIY recipes, too: a Lime-A-Rita tallboy with 5-Hour Energy; a Bang Energy with Smirnoff Ice; and a Red Bull and vodka with some added juice. All of these are solid contenders for a Four Loko replacement in that they hit the core elements of alcohol and caffeine. 

More Boozy Reads

• The Inside Story of iBeer, the Underdog Beer App That Made Millions
• The Oral History of the Vodka Red Bull
• I Own the Bar That Invented the Pickleback
• Is There Any Nutritional Value in Guinness?
• The Rise and Fall of Palcohol: The Boozy Powder That Terrified America
• The Impossible Quest for North Korea’s Ever-Elusive Hangover-Free Booze
• Ranking Hard Liquors by How (Un)Healthy They Are

Shopping Pick of the Day

The Pleasure, Power and Beauty of the Pamper Massage Wand Vibrator

James Caan Was a Much Funnier Actor Than He’s Given Credit For

In later films like ‘Misery,’ ‘Bottle Rocket’ and ‘Elf,’ the ‘Godfather’ star subverted his tough-guy persona to make himself the butt of the joke

A Sobering Look at How Alcohol Changes Your Face

Even just a few weeks off the sauce can reduce wrinkles, redness, puffiness and lots of other evidence of all those weekend benders

Starving for Touch: What It’s Like to Have ‘Skin Hunger’

Physical affection and touch releases feel-good brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. But what happens when you go without it for too long?

The Hacktivists Behind the Recent Cyber Attacks on Anti-Abortion States Say They’re Not Done Yet

‘We mostly do things for the lulz, to have fun. However when we saw the situation of Roe v. Wade, we thought action was needed and so we decided to help with what we can’

Nuptial Nightmares: Beach Weddings That Went Horribly Wrong

A sandy ceremony with the ocean as a backdrop seems like the perfect place for a lovely ceremony. But for these couples, the shoreline I do’s crashed harder than the waves

Cheesy Gorditas and Baja Blasts at the Most Beautiful Taco Bell in the World

It’s an extremely surreal experience to chow down on fast food while watching seagulls soar over sand dunes and surfers thrash about the waves and beaches of the Northern California coast

A Sex Playlist Should Start and Stop at Post-Coital Music

Setting the mood isn’t nearly as important as not ruining it after you’ve blown each other’s backs out

Your Girlfriend Thinks About Nathan Fielder When She’s Fucking You

He is an empty vessel who somehow knows everything about you without revealing anything about himself (starts to drool)

Streamer Says He Was Framed for Racist Vandalism on Disneyland Accounts

Media outlets reported that David Do was behind these offensive posts — but all the clues point to a setup

With ‘Deepest Bluest,’ LL Cool J Gave Us the Corny Hip-Hop Anthem We Deserve

Step aside, ‘Jaws’: Decades later, this would-be ‘Deep Blue Sea’ smash is still hilarious and weirdly riveting

The Scourge of ‘Just Ask’ Profiles on Dating Apps

We’ve never put less effort into algorithmic matchmaking

Narcissists Love Themselves So Much, They Cum Almost Immediately

​​New research suggests that the more narcissistic traits men display, the quicker they are to climax during new relationships. If that’s not self-love, we don’t know what is

More Stories We Think You'll Like

Every erogenous zone from A-P. Putting your feet on the desk isn’t comfortable. The straight male thirst for compliments. A guide to pairing steak with beer.  Are threesomes better with a friend or with a stranger? A very romantic American Psycho dinner for two.

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