The Frustration in Following

Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

We’re going to keep this verse in front of us for as long as it takes for it to take root.

Today I want to tell you about Osie M. Fitzgerald. All I know about her is what she wrote about her testimony. I didn’t find much else online about Mrs. Fitzgerald, not even a picture. (That might be because she was born in 1813, though.)

At one point in her testimony, she identifies how she knew the Lord, but still struggled to be free from some sins. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Though I now enjoyed religion, and had the witness of God's Spirit that I was adopted into His family, yet when I "would do good evil was present with me." Little things would make me angry. In the morning, while bowed before God, I would resolve not to get angry that day. But when night came I found myself weighed down by broken resolutions. If I had company and wanted my dinner particularly nice, and it was burned, I was angry.

I want to pause here and get us to huddle up. Do you know the frustration of wanting to be one thing while at the same time feeling helpless and powerless to do anything about it? Mrs. Fitzgerald’s struggle feels so frustrating precisely because it’s the same kind of helplessness many of us feel. Does God just pat us on the head and say, “Welp, it stinks but that’s how it is until you die”? Or, can God do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Eph. 3:20)?

About that time the Lord sent the Rev. James Caughey to the Central Methodist Episcopal Church for a few weeks, and he preached clearly the doctrine of entire sanctification. I had not thought that I could ever live without daily committing sin. But when he took his text, "Be ye holy for I am holy," and said we are not only invited but commanded to be holy, the words struck deep into mg heart. He then quoted Paul and Fletcher, Payson, Wesley and others. I thought, it may be for them but not for me. But the words came, "God is no respecter of persons," and with a determined will I said, "God being my helper, I shall have that blessing." We were invited forward to the altar. I went to get a clean heart; but when asked what I came for I said, "A deeper work of grace." The Lord blessed me wonderfully, and I was told that it was entire sanctification; for surely, they said if I were willing to die for Christ I must love God with all my heart. I did not believe I had it. I found then, and have found ever since, that it takes more grace to live for Christ than it does to die for Him. Then it came to me, "Will you give your children to the Lord?" It was suggested, "If you do He will take them out of the world." At last I surrendered them to God. Then came a still greater struggle. The Spirit said, "Will you give up your husband to me?" I said, "Lord, I will die willingly if Thou wilt let him live. I am not of much account, but I cannot live and let him die, for my health is so poor I will be unable to take care of my family." It was also suggested that we might lose all our property, and I would at last have to go to the alms-house. That struggle lasted for two days or more. Then it was whispered to me, "You may be the means of saving some soul in the alms-house." Then came the passage, "No good thing will he with hold from them that walk uprightly." I yielded all to God.

“I yielded all to God.” How heavy is that? For some people, it’s simple. Those whom the Lord has had an easier time than others convincing that humility and weakness are the path to the greatest treasure and pleasure are like, “yup. It’s simple.” For the rest of us who have made it in this world through grit, talent, and smarts*, it’s hard to yield and it only comes after a battle. For most of us, yieldedness is paid for with brokenness. Mrs. Fitzgerald’s so-called onion was getting peeled, a layer at a time.

Some time after a good brother said to me, "You do believe that God cleanses you now from all sin." If I had had a thousand bodies and souls I could have thrown them all into that "Yes." The moment I confessed it the Holy Ghost with lightning speed came into my heart and cleansed it from all sin, and took up His abode in my heart and filled me with such unspeakable joy that for three days I scarcely knew whether I was in the body or out of it. Great struggle as I had to get a clean heart, it was a struggle of a week to get it cleansed, but need not have taken three minutes if I had surrendered my will to God; but it is a life battle with the world, the flesh, and Satan to keep it clean, and nothing but a continual surrender to God can do it.

Do it again, Lord, in each of us.

*We didn’t make it ahead by these things. We only think we have.