Enormous changes have occurred in a relatively short span of Western history. Women entered the workforce in droves, the pill made pregnancy voluntary, and a same-sex sexual orientation emerged from the shadows. Households and neighborhoods are no longer held together by the fibers of three or four generations. Most families can’t survive on one income, roles are blurred, and expectations are high.
Most women (not to mention most men!) I know wouldn’t go back to that old, oppressive system for all the chocolate in Belgium. But, we’re still blindly fumbling our way out of the cave, even 50 years later. Today’s couples watched their parents and grandparents play out those predictable scenes and they have no role models for a 21st century, egalitarian relationship. We know we want equal partnerships, but what exactly does that mean?
We want our partners to be our best friends, fulfill our sexual fantasies, support our dreams, share our financial burdens, and accept our flaws. Sure, the divorce rate hovers around 50 percent, but given all that pressure, isn’t it remarkable how many couples do hold it together?
No longer forced to stay in unhappy relationships, couples of all persuasions wrestle with a myriad of questions day in and day out, the answers to which are individually demarcated and personal, and designed by each couple from scratch.
Take the time to consider what you witnessed growing up. Make conscious decisions about what you want to carry forward and what you want to discard. Some couples can do this on their own, others need help.
Create your own relationship vision. Then, be prepared to stretch and reshape those goals, as some of your partner’s ideas will undoubtedly differ. Through the years, priorities and beliefs will shift, and you may need to return to the negotiating table a number of times. But, if you devote some energy early on to crafting a mutual definition of an equal partnership, you’ll have your own playbook and relationship rules to draw from.
When couples don’t intentionally think through some of these issues, confusion, anger, and resentment often take over. Operating unwittingly from an old family playbook, partners push to assert their version as the right version. So, it’s worth the time, effort, and sometimes the struggle, to shed light on the following questions to design your own vision, with your own rules and expectations. It’s never too late to examine your own rules and beliefs, even if you have been together for a long time.
Have a good summer
Sara Schwarzbaum
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