Responding to Death
A tiny bird was moving around erratically on the shed roof outside my office window. Broken leg or wing, I thought. The mama showed up and talked to the baby, encouraging it. Mama left. Baby limped around some more. Mama returned and nudged a bit. By now I was riveted. Baby hesitated, reluctant to fly. I’ve seen this before. Many baby birds have fledged in my yard. When they finally are mature enough, encouraged enough, courageous enough – they jump and then fly. It feels gleeful. This time it didn’t happen like that. The baby finally made the leap and crashed on the cement below. The mama came back twice. I made up that she was sad, because I was sad. This baby bird died. A tear actually fell onto my cheek. I waited awhile, said a little prayer, and buried the baby bird in my backyard near where my cat Bonkers is buried.
Maybe it affected me so much because a friend had just lost her beloved husband, and a good friend of mine was in the hospital, in the process of dying. Maybe it just added to a year of deaths…from COVID 19. And tapped into my own reservoir of grief, from losing my precious parents, one ex and two dear husbands and numerous treasured friends.
You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken,
and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.
But this is also the good news.
They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through.
It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold,
but you learn to dance with the limp. Anne Lamott
Responding to Death
Because our culture generally is uncomfortable talking openly about death, it is often awkward to see someone who has just lost a loved one. We may not know what to say or do. From my experience, here are some suggestions.
Do:
- At the first opportunity, acknowledge the loss. Say something simple like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
- Send a card – As a new widow, I even read all the text on Hallmark sympathy cards, as if they were written just for me. Include any good stories or memories you have of the person who’s died.
- Bring comfort food or drink – Patty brought me a huge decanter of freshly squeezed orange juice, Marnie brought a pot of homemade Minestrone soup. When you’ve just lost a loved one, you don’t feel like cooking.
- Offer concrete help. Kathy arrived at my door after Gene died, saying “I’m here to help. Put me to work.” After Hal died, my friend Sallie said, “I’m going to drive you wherever you need to go for a couple of days.
- Offer to be a sounding board. People often get tired of hearing about someone’s grief. But the bereaved may need to talk about their loved one a lot. Offer to listen…a lot
Don’t:
- Don’t share your own grief stories. It may feel like you’re being compassionate, but right then the focus needs to be on the person whose loss is new.
- Don’t share negative stories or memories of the deceased.
- Don’t avoid the bereaved person because it’s uncomfortable. I once had a good colleague at work run the other way down a hall when she saw me coming after I’d lost my husband. I ran after her because I didn’t care how awkward she felt, I needed her support.
Know:
- Grief is very individualized. It may take a long time and there is nothing wrong with that. Give the person time and space.
- Miscarriages are deaths. For many people they are devastating, and it hurts that the culture doesn’t recognize that.
- If the death was an overdose or a suicide, the loved ones need extra support.
- If the relationship between the deceased and the bereaved was complicated or unresolved, the pain and grieving can be worse than if there was unconditional love. I grieved deeply when my ex-husband died, though we had been divorced for years. He was the father of my children, and although I’d already grieved the relationship, when he actually died, I grieved the man and the dreams we shared.
Life and Death
When someone we know and care about dies, it forces us to look at our life. To ask questions like, “How can I live so that I have no regrets when I die?” Being close to a death brings us closer to life. In that way, death is a gift.
Coaching Questions
- What do I need to do to feel friendlier with death?
- How can I best support friends or family members who are grieving?
- What can I change so that I will have no regrets when I die?
I am a coach. To find out how I might be helpful to you, please email me at sharon@sharoneakes.com to schedule a Discovery Session.
I've written Fresh Views every month since 2000. The best have been collected into a book titled Fresh Views on Resilient Living. Purchase it here from Amazon.
My partner in Two Wise Women, Nancy Smyth, and I have published another book, Chocolate or Lunch, How Choices Impact Relationships. If you have any tense relationships that need help, this book is for you! Find it here: Chocolate or Lunch on Amazon.
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