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Contents
1. Introduction. Wherein I welcome you to the newsletter.
2. Latest News. Wherein I encourage you to purchase my latest projects in a non-pushy manner.
3. Appearances. Wherein I share my whereabouts with potential stalkers.
4. Interview. Wherein secrets are not revealed.
5. Short Story. Wherein you read "Long Sleeves."
6. Links. Wherein I share ways for me to be part of your life much more frequently than this newsletter.
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Introduction
Big stuff is happening! I'm not allowed to blab about it yet. Will I be allowed to blab about it in my next newsletter? Ummm...maybe, but probably not. The newsletter after that? That's more likely, but still no promises. Will I tell you if you come up to me at a convention and swear not to tweet about it? Yeah, maybe. Anyway, it's super cool, worth the long build-up, and yes, it's movie-related.
I spent a couple of weeks in a cabin in Wisconsin, but there were no demons or serial killers present, at least not that I personally encountered. I did pay a visit to my buddy JA Konrath's house, where guests are given the privilege of decorating one of the drawers in his kitchen.
He served a couple of delicious hot dogs (if you ever get to peruse the menu, a "Jeff Dog" is a Chicago-style dog without tomatoes). But he also made me eat a Twinkie wiener sandwich.
And I got to leave a comment card.
This issue's story is called "Long Sleeves," and it's a departure from the usual tone because it's not funny. (Others have already said, "You mean the others were SUPPOSED to be funny? Bwah hah hah!" but you can do better than that.) Almost all of the newsletter stories fall into the "really, really goofy" category, so let me know if you enjoyed the chance of pace or if you want me get back to the ridiculousness.
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Latest News
Thunderstorm Books has officially announced the Gleefully Macabre imprint of hardcover collector's editions. Essentially, the "imprint" means that there will be at least a dozen of my books with similar design (by Lynne Hansen) and production values, so that they look super snazzy lined up in a row when you proudly display them on your bookshelf.
The first book in line is Autumn Bleeds Into Winter. It will be followed by (not necessarily in this order) Allison, The Odds, Cyclops Road, the Andrew Mayhem series, and whatever new books I write. Orders for Autumn close on July 11th, so if you're looking for the gourmet collecting experience, click HERE.
I showed H Michael Casper and Jim Pokela a sample copy when I saw them last week. And their friendship was destroyed.
The collector's edition of Deathless, the sequel to Pressure, is almost sold out from Earthling Publications. But sales of collector's editions tend to slow way down after the first 48 hours, which is good news for slackers! You can still get one!!! Click HERE.
Slice and Dice is available in a Kindle and paperback edition. Four slasher novellas. My “Twentieth Anniversary Screening” recounts the grisly events surrounding the terrible slasher flick The Roofer, remembered only because an obsessed fan tried to reenact the murders as they played out on the screen. When the same theater shows the film twenty years later, will the warnings that this is a really, really bad idea be justified?
Horror DNA was super sweet to Candy Coated Madness, calling it "another winner from Strand." Check out the review HERE.
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Appearances
Necon (Virtual.) July 15-18. I'll be on a panel about collaborating with other authors, and also reading a spooooooky story at the Friday night campfire tales.
Scares That Care (LIVE!). July 30-August 1. Williamsburg, Virginia. My first live event since early 2020! I’ll be selling books, doing a reading with my nemesis Stephen Kozeniewski, participating on a panel on “I Survived The Death of Horror,” and hugging the crap out of fully vaccinated people.
MegaCon (LIVE!). August 12-15. Orlando, Florida. On Saturday the 14th, I’ll be giving a presentation on Adapting Your Novel Into A Screenplay, and the short film “Hostile” that I wrote will screen as part of the Halloween Horror Picture Show.
KillerCon (Virtual). August 20-22. This one has gone virtual again, but this year I’m a Guest of Honor! Tickets are $10.
Fandemic Dead (LIVE!). September 17-19. Atlanta, Georgia. Lots and lots of guests from The Walking Dead. And also me.
Merrimack Valley Halloween Book Festival (LIVE!) October 9th. Haverhill, Massachusetts. Over 70 horror authors packed into a library! It’s craaaaazy!
Multiverse (LIVE!). October 15-17. Atlanta, Georgia. Hear me talk about horror-related stuff, or, y’know, whatever they put me on.
Atlanta Writers Conference (LIVE!) November 6-7. Atlanta, Georgia. On the 7th, I’ll be doing a two part talk on “Surviving The Writing Life.”
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Interview
ABNER GLEEKER: Hello, my guest today--as usual, much to my disappointment--is Jeff Strand. Welcome, Jeff. Tell me your big news.
JEFF STRAND: I'm not allowed to discuss it yet, but thanks for having me.
AG: C'mon, you can tell me. It's all good. I won't say anything on social media.
JS: Nope.
AG: Nobody cares anyway, so you might as well just tell me. It's not a big deal.
JS: Sorry.
AG: I bet you don't even have any news. You're just trying to make everybody think you do. "Oooh, oooh, look at me, I'm Jeff Strand and I've got news that's soooooo secret that I'll get in trouble if I talk about it and look at how important and secretive I am, oooh, oooh!"
JS: I thought we were going to talk about Deathless.
AG: Screw that. Deathless is old news.
JS: It's not even out yet!
AG: And yet we're bored of it already. Funny how that works. How about you at least give us a hint?
JS: It's movie-related.
AG: OMG! They're making a movie of Bang Up???
JS: No.
AG: Oh. Bummer. That's the one I was rooting for. It's not gonna be a movie version of one of those third-tier books like Elrod McBugle on the Loose, is it?
JS: Elrod McBugle on the Loose would make a great movie!
AG: lol ok
JS: That book is a delightful romp!
AG: Is the movie news about Elrod?
JS: No.
AG: Well, I'm sure that the three people who read it are all mopey now. Which book is it?
JS: I didn't say it was a movie version of a book.
AG: But you didn't say it wasn't a movie version of a book.
JS: You're right, I didn't.
AG: Is it a movie version of a book?
JS: Maybe.
AG: Is it a movie version of Bad Games?
JS: I didn't write Bad Games.
AG: Oh, so now your books are the only ones worthy of being made into movies? I guess we're about done here. I'm sure you're disappointed that I don't care enough to try to rip out your fingernails to get you to talk.
JS: That doesn't disappoint me at all, actually.
AG: Some secrets aren't worth bringing in a professional torturer, so you can get over yourself. You realize that you've just wasted your newsletter subscribers' valuable time, right? They trust you to bring them interesting content in every issue, and this has been an entire interview of filler. You're gonna lose subscribers over this. This is your last chance. Tell me.
JS: Okay, fine. Lean closer.
AG: If I lean closer, are you going to scream "I'M NOT TELLING" in my ear?
JS: That was the plan, yes.
AG: I guess we're done here, then.
JS: Yep.
AG: Oh well. Maybe next time.
JS: Maybe.
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Short Story
"Long Sleeves"
Olivia thought it was weird that Lionel wore a long-sleeved shirt on their first date, since they went to an outdoor concert in the middle of summer, but she didn’t say anything. They had a great time, he gave her a kiss at her front door, and he promised to text her the following evening.
The text came around 9:00 PM. Hi Olivia! I’m not allowed to have a phone at work so I couldn’t text earlier. Have you already eaten dinner?
Yes, she texted back. Dessert?
He knocked on her door about twenty minutes later. “Is this your style?” she asked, playfully touching his arm.
“Excuse me?”
“The long-sleeved shirt. It’s, like, eighty degrees out.”
“Oh, yeah. Some people sacrifice comfort for style. I think Snoopy said that in a comic strip once.”
He took her out for ice cream, where they shared a banana split. They talked and laughed until the ice cream place closed at midnight, and then he took her home. Another kiss at her front door, but when she invited him in, he politely declined. They made plans to see each other the following evening at the same time.
They went to the movies. Long sleeves again, but movie theaters tended to blast the air conditioning during the summer so she didn’t really think much of it. They held hands and shared a Coke, and when he took her home she asked him again if he wanted to come in.
“Maybe next time,” he said.
“This was our third date,” Olivia reminded him.
“I know, I know. Next time, I promise.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you. I’m just not used to getting turned down.”
“It’s not you,” said Lionel. “I’m trying to be a gentleman. Tomorrow I’ll be ready. Where do you want to go?”
“Why go anywhere? Come on over after work. I’ll order a pizza.”
Lionel gave her a kiss and left.
When he showed up the next night, he was wearing another long-sleeved shirt, and Olivia wondered if he was covering up some ugly-ass tattoos. Though the pizza had already arrived, they ignored it in favor of kissing for a while and then making their way to her bedroom.
Lionel took off his shirt, revealing an amazing physique but arms that were covered with burn marks. Not like they’d been burned in a fire, but rather lots of individual burn streaks, like he’d dragged a lit cigarette across his arm.
“Sorry,” he said. “It’s gross, I know.”
“It’s not gross at all. How’d you get them?”
“I should go.”
“No,” said Olivia. “Don’t go. It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it.” She put her arms around him and kissed him. A few moments later, they were on her bed.
It felt wonderful as he kissed her neck.
It felt less wonderful when he bit it. She didn’t mind that kind of play, but he’d bitten her too hard, without warning. “Hey, that’s kind of—”
He slammed his hand over her mouth as he sunk his sharp teeth deep into her neck. She struggled to get away, but she was pinned underneath him as blood sprayed. Oh, God, he was lapping it up!
Olivia didn’t live very much longer.
Lionel drank her blood until he was sated. Then he paced around her apartment, cursing himself. Why had he come over? He knew this would happen! Why couldn’t he control himself? Why was he always doing this to people he cared about? What was wrong with him?
Stupid. You’re a stupid idiot. You’re awful. You’re garbage. You’re evil. You’re a monster.
He went into her bathroom, got himself cleaned up as well as he could, then left.
When he got home, he sat on the couch for a few hours, unmoving, filled with self-loathing.
At sunrise, he opened his coffin to get some sleep. But first, he went into his living room and parted the curtains just a bit.
He held his arm up into a thin beam of sunlight. Cried out in pain as his flesh sizzled. Pulled his arm away and closed the curtain.
He felt a little better now.
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