What I Pray For
Dear <<First Name>>,
A worried parent once confided in me, “I pray that my son is not different from the other kids.” I was genuinely confused.
Mind you, I pray daily for my children. I light incense from India, where my family is from. I chant Hindu and Sikh hymns. I pray for my children's health, joy, wisdom, character, resilience, and peace of mind ... not to mention immunity from heartbreak, immortal pets, indefinite teenage metabolism, and improved capacity to put dishes in the dishwasher.
It had never occurred to me to pray for them to not be different.
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Always Different
That said, I have always been different, even more so as a child when brown kids were few and far between. Back then, there was no Kamala (circled below) and Diwali was not on the iPhone calendar. My entire childhood, if we saw an Indian on the street, we literally stopped to introduce ourselves. I still do not know what box to check for my race.
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I confess that I have sometimes tried to cover my difference. I capitalized on the fact that my name and appearance are ethnically ambiguous to many people. The association with Dolly Parton and Hello Dolly (best theme song ever!) didn’t hurt. Even now, perhaps out of old habit, I rarely go out in public in Indian clothes that I might wear to funerals, weddings, temples, and family events, even if that means I have to detour home to change between events.
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Desi Pride
To be clear, I am a proud desi girl. But sometimes, I like that I am not saddled with the expectations and stereotypes that my Indian-American identity brings from others.
My attempts to cover my identity got harder when I married a very handsome, funny, kind Indian-American man … who wears a turban. I went from blending in to standing out. After 19 years together, the stares and glares still catch me off guard. At times, I beat myself up for wincing, wondering if I am ashamed of my heritage or my husband? No, absolutely not - that, I know for certain.
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Everyone Covers
It was not until I read Professor Kenji Yoshino’s brilliant and beautiful book Covering that I better understood my confusing stance on being different. Our “social identities” are important to how we see ourselves, and we do not like when that social identity is cast in a negative light. “To cover is to tone down a disfavored identity to fit into the mainstream,” Professor Yoshino explains. “Everyone covers.”
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Even Martin Sheen
For example, while trying to break into acting, Ramón Luis Estévez started referring to himself as Martin Sheen, Issur Danielovitch Demsky began signing up for auditions as Kirk Douglas, and Krishna Bhanji began signing his name as Ben Kingsley. Margaret Thatcher worked with a voice coach to lower her voice in her male dominated world.
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Four Types of Coverings
Here are examples of covering from Professor Yoshino’s research:
- Appearance: using chemical straighteners to change the appearance of one’s hair though you prefer natural hair
- Affiliation: refraining from displaying pictures of your same-sex partner at the office, even though you are out, so as to diminish the affiliation with a negative stereotype
- Advocacy: refraining from advocating for yourself and fellow veterans when someone says something inaccurate about the military
- Association: avoiding mentoring other women because you might be associated with a female stereotype
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Who Covers?
In Professor Yoshino’s Uncovering Talent research study with Deloitte, a shocking 61 percent of people say that they cover at work (and this does not include those who cover outside of work). Of that group, 60-73% said that covering was (somewhat to extremely) detrimental to their sense of self. About half of respondents felt that their leaders expected them to cover at work. About a quarter of the respondents said the covering expectation (somewhat to extremely) diminished their commitment to the organization.
Given that covering is seen across populations -- though disproportionately in people from marginalized groups -- this erosion of commitment to the organization should be a worry for everyone. Covering is costly and exhausting.
Diversity OR Inclusion?
In a conversation hosted by Microsoft, Yoshino explains that when “we say diversity and inclusion, we really mean diversity OR inclusion. If you bring your fully authentic self at work, you risk exclusion. You can be included, but only at the cost of doing the exhausting work of tamping down who you are.” This raises the question, he asks, “Why not let people work their jobs instead of their identities?”
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Working from home during the pandemic, some felt less need to cover. Now, as many transition back to working in an office (maybe?), anxiety is rising, as illustrated in this powerful NYT video essay. People do not want to be in environments in which white people touch natural black hair, men opine on women’s appearance, straight coworkers assume they are the norm, able-bodied people condescend to disabled officemates, and their preferred lunch foods are deemed gross (grateful to see James Corden’s willingness to grow on this issue).
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Covering Gone Wild
This summer’s genre-bending fiction bestseller, The Other Black Girl by Zakiya Dalila Harris, is essentially a story of covering. Described as a mix of Get Out and The Devil Wears Prada, the book explores how two black employees working in a mostly-white publishing company respond to covering demands. No spoilers … I will just say that covering is costly.
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Let's Pray (and Work) on This
People do not cover for no reason. That worried mom was right to pray but I think she was praying for the wrong thing. I pray that my kids are in spaces where they have little reason to cover the many wonderful ways in which they are different. Here are 7 ways to start building those spaces:
- Read Covering by Kenji Yoshino. Reviewers describe the book as “magnificent” - “original” - “stunning”- “provocative” - “lush” - “elegant”. A mix of scholarship and memoir, written with a poet’s touch with language, this book will stay with me for a long time.
- Watch this 30 minute interview of Kenji Yoshino to learn more about the costs of covering.
- Inventory what you are covering. This will give you insight into what the covering demands are around you, or programmed into you as a habit from your past.
- Share a bit more of yourself, if you feel comfortable testing the waters. This vulnerability gives others permission to do the same. (As you may have noticed, I'm giving it a brave try in this issue of the newsletter!)
- Challenge covering demands being put on others, especially when they come from people with influence. They might be subtle or overt. Be an active ally.
- Check your teasing of people about what makes them different from others. Self-deprecating jokes about what makes you different are funnier than jokes about what makes other people different.
- Audit your use of words like “normal,” “weird,” “everybody …,” “nobody …,” and “fit in.” Assume that most people are covering, and make it easier for them not to.
I am grateful you are reading Dear Good People -- a bite-sized, evidence-based, action-oriented newsletter on how to be the inclusive person you mean to be. Feel free to share with others or drop me a note using the links at the bottom. And if someone forwarded this to you, sign up below to get your own free, monthly subscription.
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Thanks for growing with me,
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This month's artwork credits from top: Katie Sutton (logo), Jeana Marinelli (books), Kohinoor Foods (incense), Amary Gutierrez (praying hands), Sharada Balachandran Orihuela (Kamala Harris), Wes McPhee @ Unsplash (Dolly Parton), Chugh / Singh family (Dolly and CJ), Maya Chugh SIngh (Cocoa and Covering), NBC (Martin Sheen), NYU Law Magazine (Kenji Yoshino), New York Times (Video Still), CBS (James Corden), Atria Books (The Other Black Girl), Brett Topel (Dolly by signature)
I thank Katie Sutton for technical and promotional expertise. I thank Asha Chugh Singh for photo editing and Maya Chugh Singh for photo shoot design.
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