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Alright, I’ll just say it. I’ve been avoiding writing this newsletter.
If you caught my IG live earlier this week, you know that a lot has happened since I last checked in via email. I’ve been joking that after I sent out my Brightside Code of Conduct in June, the universe heard me, did a double take, said “oh, really?, ha” and put me to the test.
Which is to say, the summer has been a big exercise in listening to myself and accepting some hard truths. This process kicked off when I went to California in June—while I was there I was able to spend a lot of time reflecting on the past year and a half. A lot came up, and I was startled to realize how out of alignment I felt spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I think the weight of the pandemic caught up to me all at once and I realized that I’d been running on fumes for … longer than I should have been.
And for the first time in a long time I was somewhere other than my apartment. I didn’t realize how much I needed a change of scenery or space to reflect and California truly was a magical place to kick off a summer of growth. I spent some time in LA with my brother (hi stephen) and then drove down to San Diego to meet up with one of my best friends from high school (HI KIM!)
I knew California would be a welcome reset after months of quarantine, but I was shocked by how much “came up” while I was there. It hit me all at once that I had every area of my life cranked up to 10 and I was tired. I was striving so hard for so many things and the way I was living was completely unsustainable. I had spread myself extremely thin at work, I was hustling on The Brightside, trying to achieve domestic bliss, etc.—all of which inadvertently and ironically resulted in me neglecting my actual needs.
It was like burnout snuck up on me. I felt like shit in my body, I was hanging on by a thread mentally, and while externally I was “doing the most” -- I was struggling inside. This was extremely hard for me to look at head on, because a) I was convinced I was living my “best life” and b), when I really sat with the truth, I knew deep down that in order to get back to me, I had to make some big, shocking, difficult life changes.
In short—I made the really hard decision to leave my relationship. Without getting into too many personal details, let me say that Zach is an incredible person and our relationship was beautiful in so many ways, but unfortunately we got to a point where we were out of alignment, and not long after I got home from California we broke up and I moved home to Connecticut.
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster of a summer to say the least. I’ve really had to learn to trust myself and the process and let the emotions come when they come. The anchor for me through the tough moments has been embracing this time as a period of transformation and finding joy and growth anywhere I can. Specific things that have helped:
- Taking some mental health leave from my job: the hardest part was asking for it.
- Exercise: pilates is doing me right.
- Feeding myself: I’ve been slowly working my way through Molly Baz’s cookbook.
- Doing things for me: RuPaul said it best:
Every day looks different, I’ve cried a lot, but in the spirit of #brightsiding, I’m honestly just trying to remain thankful for this rare time to reset my priorities and move a little slower. If I’ve learned anything this year it’s that life is short, time is a gift, and I am trying to find all of the good I can in this situation.
So yeah. I’m learning to enjoy the slower pace of life right now and daydreaming about what the future looks like. I have some ideas that really excite me, and we'll see where my path takes me. But for right now, I’m savoring the last few weeks of summer, jumping back into work, and giving myself the space I need to make thoughtful decisions.
If you take anything from this: remember that it’s OK to put yourself first and embrace periods of transformation.
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