For Your Best Life!

Over a year ago, I had cornea transplant surgeries in both eyes. Since then, the vision in one has been restored to great health and the other has increasing cloudiness, blurring, and pain. At this point, the cloudiness occludes my vision about 80% and the blurring reduces my vision even more. At times, in order to see as best I can, I close my left eye so that I can see more clearly using only my right eye.
It is a betwixt and between experience in that I don't know if my physical eyesight will improve, stay the same, or worsen. In some ways, not knowing intensifies my grieving. Not knowing impedes me from getting to a place of acceptance of the loss and slows me from learning how to live my life fully in what might be my new reality.
Even in the midst of the changing dynamics with my left eye, I am immeasurably grateful for the vision I have in my right eye. I am also grateful for technologies that enable me to function as close to the normal I used to know. For example, I'm able to do limited driving with the assistance of GPS. I am able to read and write text with the assistance of computer features like “read aloud” and dictation.
This morning, as I sat looking at the horizon from our balcony, I was overtaken with gratitude for being able to see the beautiful colors, the light, the clouds even though my experience of these was greatly muted. I do not know if a day is coming that I will not be able to see anything from my left eye but should that become my reality I am so grateful for having been able to see an experience such incredible beauty most of my life with unimpeded clarity.
So even now, as I am betwixt and between, as I am uncertain about what my future vision will be, I am profoundly grateful for what I have had and what I have now. Gratitude in the midst of my grieving has enabled me to see clearly what there is to celebrate. There is so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't want to miss seeing any of it.

September Is Suicide Awareness Month

This year is year number 19 that I might have missed out on because of my suicide attempt. In August of 2002, I tried to put the final period on the last sentence of my life; but I didn't succeed.

Not succeeding that day began the success story of my life. If you or someone you love know the pain that brings a person to the place of wanting to end their life, then you understand what I mean about my success. I learned I was stronger and God was greater than the pain I was in.

There is incredible stigma in our society including in faith communities about mental illness. At the heart of stigma is the fear of the unknown, lack of facts and information, and sometimes a lack of empathy and compassion for the pain others might feel in their lives. Some of us fear that talking about the pain others experience might also reveal the magnitude of our own pain. As well, there is often an oversimplification and misperception that if a person prays hard enough, they will be healed of all mental illness.

The silence about mental illness and emotional pain often results in deep isolation and can lead to death. Creating a non-judgmental space where Individuals can speak openly about the questions about life, health, God, spirituality, relationships and the world we live in should be part of creating community. As we are living amidst multiple pandemics, the need for this kind of non-judgmental community is even greater.

If you are in deep emotional pain that you can’t find your way out of, please know you really are never alone. There are incredible resources available through organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

Please call, NAMI National Helpline 800-950-NAMI (6264)
If you are in crisis please call or text:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line 741741

If you want to learn more about how to share in open and honest conversations about mental illness, please access "It's Okay to Talk About Suicide". To learn more about the intersection of faith and mental health, please contact me at Christinebaxter@namicapitalregionny.org.