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Leadership thoughts and strategies from Deb Elbaum Coaching
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How to shift judgment into curiosity


Most of us don't mean to be judgmental. We don't mean to label or criticize others; it's just that our brain makes it so darn easy. Our brain is constantly making up stories about other people, why they're behaving the way they are, and what they must be thinking. And because our brain's created stories are based on incomplete information and filtered through a lens of an inherent negativity bias, we usually assign motives to others that might not accurately reflect what they truly think and feel. In other words, we end up in a judgment perspective.

Sometimes, judgment is sneaky. It sneaks into our language and thoughts, so that we believe our brain's created story to be the truth. We might think things like, of course my team member must not care about the work; after all, I explained what I wanted multiple times and they still didn't do it correctly. Or we might think, she's so resistant. Every time I ask a question, she looks at me blankly and doesn't answer.

In these cases, labeling someone as "uncaring" or "resistant" is a judgment. It's a story your brain is making up based on behaviors it notices. Please remember that there might be other reasons behind those behaviors that you are not aware of. As I always remind my clients, we cannot see into someone else's heart or read someone else's mind. 

Judgment -- even sneaky judgment -- undermines relationships. Time after time, I hear clients complain about certain colleagues, bosses, and direct reports in a judgmental way. They've made up their minds about someone and believe they have the evidence to prove it. 

The thing is, though, that while being right gives us a feel-good dopamine hit, it limits expansive and innovative thinking. It keeps us and the person we're judging in a stuck pattern.

When we can shift from judgment to curiosity, it opens up possibilities in our thinking and offers us another way to see and understand someone else.

When you feel yourself slip into frustration and judgment mode, please remember to do one thing: GET CURIOUS. Getting curious is a mindset and an action. 

First, curiosity is a mindset of focusing on the other person and asking your brain to pause in its story-making so you can gather more data to fully understand the other person's behaviors. Second, curiosity is an action; the action is to ask a question. Then, and here's the often challenging part, you have to listen to the whole answer. 


To get you started, here are some curiosity-building questions:

-What's your thought process behind this?
-What do you wish I really knew about you/this project?
-What's crystal clear? What's unclear?

By asking open-ended questions, putting our attention on the other person, and listening deeply, we can start to more fully understand another person's thoughts and motivations. We can ensure that the conclusions we draw about someone are based on more accurate data. As a result, we can find new ways of working and being with people who we previously found difficult.

A friend shared a perfect example of why shifting from judgment to curiosity matters. After a re-org, she inherited a "difficult" person who had certain puzzling behaviors. Instead of labeling and making assumptions about this person, my friend got curious and asked questions. It turns out that this person was petrified of being fired, and her fears were influencing her behaviors. With this insight, my friend was able to have an open conversation with her new team member, to reassure her and plan for their future collaboration. Within weeks, their relationship completely shifted to one of partnership and trust.

Never underestimate the power of curiosity to shift difficult relationships!
And if you want more help
 managing the difficult people in your life, tune in to my newest podcast episode of In the Right Direction

Take care, and have a wonderful November,

Deb

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