What a fucking week.

And I mean, sorry for the language, but really it's been something else. I've thought hard about whether to come in and write to you in amongst it all but it feels true to do so, hence here I am.

On Monday, Jaime's Dad went into hospital in Sheffield following what we now understand was a stroke. He's still in but is doing ok - though no-one can visit because he's on a Covid ward following a positive test result.

On Tuesday (following emergency referral on Monday), our cat Renzo was admitted to the animal hospital in Bristol with a nasty virus. He's also still in and the trajectory of his journey has been and continues to be turbulent.

Our kitten, Lula, has also now been tested for the same virus. We're waiting for results but currently she seems well.

So yes, a fucking week. 
And yet.

In it all, I see myself learning. Learning in action. Learning in life. 

~

I go up and down and over and round and up and down and over and round. It is the metaphorical rollercoaster in its entirety.

I spent a good 10 days (until we got the referral to Bristol) waiting for someone to tell me that we would need to say goodbye to Renzo. It's what happened last year with Rossi (IN THE SAME FRICKING WEEK) so why wouldn't it be the same now? Except of course it's never the same - we just tell ourselves it is. As a way of exercising control.

And we busy ourselves - as a way of exercising control. And we numb ourselves - as a way of exercising control. And we hide ourselves - as a way of exercising control. And, and, and, and, and ad infinitum...

Because control keeps us safe, doesn't it?
Or does it?

I'm pulled to pieces and exhausted and at the same time I see so clearly the futility of any attempt at control. It doesn't keep me safe, it makes me brittle. It doesn't give me freedom, it has me build myself a cage.

So I exist in this space, untethered and completely out of control and as a result I see.

~

I see how 'masculine' I have been in my approach to moving through life in the past - how forcing, contained, held. How hard a time I've given myself for being fluid, emotional, feeling, sensing, sensitive. How I'd previously have really struggled with the idea of taking time off, letting people down, not remaining productive. How it would have felt so shameful to me if I wasn't to remain stoic in the face of all this pain and fear and worry.

I sit here in the dark, and yet I can see so much light.

I feel more open than I have ever been. I feel horribly shit and extraordinarily free. I feel alive, and plugged in and connected to something that's beyond me. I feel like stardust. Tired stardust but stardust all the same.

Does it feel good? Not really, no.
Does it feel true? Yes. And that has its own sense of goodness - of messy wholeness I suppose.

This isn't a practice ground, this life. But living is a practice. And that's what I'm here for. I know that many of you are the same.

In my last letter, I asked two questions: If there was no failure, what could you do? and If there was no wrong, what could you do?. 

But here's the question I want to close with today:

If there was a letting go of control, who could you be?

VOICES
"In a voiced community, we all flourish" ~ Terry Tempest Williams

A little more on VOICES today before we get to reads/watches/listens :) 

I've pivoted from where I was last time. And instead of a single session, Voices will begin life as a community. An online community that I'm creating outside of Facebook and its Metaverse where I can facilitate and support open and honest conversation and exploration of themes such as those I share here in this mail. It remains a place for discourse, reflection, learning and life. It remains a place where we dare bring ourselves to the table.

Because I create spaces within which we remember our way back to ourselves. And your voice is one such space.  

You can listen to me talk a little about it here (skip through the beginning slides to get to the video if you wish though the early slides are good context too).

It's still free (for now), and it's still evolving which is why I'm looking for a max 10-15 people to join me on this early part of the journey. No cost to you but your wholehearted involvement because your place comes with an expectation that you're willing to get on board and contribute your voice.

There's a big button there if you'd like to request a place... 

Read/Watch/Listen

• A long and thought-provoking read by George Monbiot - Capitalism is killing the planet.
• Punk is not a style, punk is a spirit - a (short) beautiful nod to a theme that's been arising in the coaching container that I run.  
• If you want it, you might get it - the science behind law of attraction...
• "Having a voice is crucial" - Rebecca Solnit on why women's voices must be heard.

That's me out for today - back into the untethered space to await another phone call.

Sending you much, much love - and immense gratitude for this space in which to express and share these realities of life.

Lisa xx
(and don't forget, if you want that Voices space, email me to claim it here...)