Recently, I came across something in a photo with the words screned across: “Vulnerability is the threshold to freedom and power”. I had forgotten I wrote these words probably 10-12 years ago as part of my work with Center of Spiritual Light. I am so grateful for such reminders!

One evening after my wife and I went out to dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, she wanted dessert. She struggled with whether or not to get it because she wants to be supportive to me. When I encouraged her to let herself have dessert and assured her that I would be okay, I began saying to myself, “I'm so proud of you for not being tempted to get dessert when you're already full”. Then I realized that I need to find new words instead of “I'm so proud of myself”. Perhaps, “I'm so happy for myself”. I say this because I keep seeing evidence of self-pride running throughout my life. I think on the adage “pride comes before the fall”. It has been an abundance of pride and the lack of vulnerability they have kept me in this vicious cycle regarding my weight for 30 years.

Because I am vulnerable about many issues in my life, I had not realized that I had erected an impenetrable wall around all issues relating to my weight. With each passing year, as I cycled up and down with my weight, I became more ashamed that I could not tackle this problem on my own. I was confused and frustrated that unlike almost everything else in my life that I have sought to do I have accomplished, I could not accomplish losing weight and keeping it off. The truth is most other things I have done in my life were not related to points of trauma. That is where I needed help,

For decades, I had become a mantra, “I struggle with my weight because of the sexual assaults done to me”. This mantra kept me powerless. At last, I began recognizing the impact of my pride and arrogance, my fantasy thinking and lack of responsibility. I was being honest and vulnerable with them. It felt freeing. Now, I understand more fully when I wrote about vulnerability as the threshold to freedom and power. 

Now, I recognize that I did important diagnostic about why I began struggling with weight at age 30. Yes, It was important for me to understand the impact of sexual trauma in my life. Absolutely important. After having done that diagnostic, I did a lot of important work for my own healing, recovery and empowerment. Yet this one issue, my weight, because I was so defended about how I related to this, not until recently, did I come to the place of vulnerability that I've needed to enable my freedom and my power.

To be true, it is a paradox taking that responsibility for my weight is so empowering for me. Yes, it is humbling, and even more, it is freeing and empowering. Now, I am doing the work that I've needed to do for so many years. Instead of beating up on myself about not getting this simple truth years ago, I am grateful I am ready to live into now.