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This week, during a mid-phone call, I got a déjà vu. A situation that happened five years ago was playing out in real-time once again. It made me pause, sit up and ponder about the repetition of old lessons. The welcoming of them and their inevitable, sporadic yet necessary appearances throughout our lives.
So many of us have come to believe that growth is linear and looks one way — which is usually upwards and onwards but a lesson we don't really want to know is that growth is anything but straightforward.
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We've turned actions like 'growth' into buzzwords with an accompanying checklist on hand. Eat well? Check. Exercise? Check. Got a therapist? Check. Block toxic people out of your life? Check, check, check.
Sure, all these actions have a time and a place yet it can feel as though we are all collectively doing these things because it's what, we the people, on the internet say we should do.
It's like we're trying to move on as quickly as possible into the next phase of our lives because we're frankly bored of working on ourselves yet Huda Alvi says in the Unswtnd + Unfltrd podcast, "you can't fast track growth".
In reality, learning from your past approach is habit-breaking, usually heartbreaking and messy. We've put a timer on our growth and how we 'should' be doing by now.
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Sometimes it takes making the same mistake over and over again to truly learn your lesson; and more time, I find God testing me with the same lesson in different scenarios until I've really let go and learned it. Alhamdullilah. And there's no shame in this — if God wanted to make me without any flaws, without the need to go around the same bend, I'd be a living angel.
When you're on this journey of growth, it can feel as though until you have resolved all of your traumas and issues, you can't do X,Y and Z but I think we're missing the point. Growing shouldn't be an all-consuming mission, another obsession. This ironing out of myself can't mean I should always know better, leaving myself with more judgment than mercy; because what is growth without room for leniency?
If anything, I'm giving myself more permission to make mistakes in order to grow. As real-life is truly filled and shaped with failures and mistakes and guess what? Similar scenarios and lessons that will inshallah happen again until we can see what not to do. And maybe even then, the same lesson will reappear just to show us how much we've grown.
So I hope you're giving yourself the same peace of mind that we're not supposed to know and solve it all. To let growth happen in its own time.
With rahma and mishti,
Tahmina
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The Aram is a bi-monthly newsletter that explores our relationship with ease and joy. In "Getting Aram With", I ask a woman of colour and/or Muslim woman I admire three questions surrounding her comforts.
#23 is Faima Bakar. Award-winning journalist and senior reporter at HuffPost UK. Someone I am lucky to call a 'boin' (sister in Bengali), the best way I can describe Faima is that she is a real one.
Her writing is always inclusive and she writes about topics within the zeitgeist that we actually want to read. A mind British journalism needs.
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What's currently bringing you aram?
What's currently bringing me aram, don't laugh, is simple recipes. I moved out of my very Bengali parent's home three months ago so every day of my life I miss my mum's cooking (I have tried to remake her curries but to no avail).
So I'm enjoying easy-to-make dishes. Anyone who's on TikTok will know the two-ingredient salmon rice bowl that's been going around (thank you Emily Mariko). It literally is just salmon and rice, with whatever condiments you want. If ya fancy, you can add kimchi and seaweed. It's so easy, it's so delicious.
And on that note, to anyone reading, don't move out of your parent's home, it's a Western scam. Stay home. If Aishwarya Rai can do it, you can too.
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When in your writing and the exploring of stories, do you feel most like yourself and most free?
I love when I'm allowed to add my own voice and flair to a piece. I'm back in a staff role at HuffPost UK so not every piece I write has the scope to let me add my own voice to it, so when I'm allowed to insert myself (or my people), I love it.
I love being silly in these parts, or serious if it warrants it, telling a story only I can. I'll write in my head first, then I'll put it down on (virtual) paper, then I'll edit. I feel so free doing this that sometimes hours can go by without me clocking.
What is an important practice in your writing?
When I reach out to my case studies — I try to make sure I'm getting as many Black and brown people in my features as possible and when I get their details (i.e names, ages, occupations) as is standard, I'll ask them what their pronouns are.
It's such a minor thing journalists can do but it means so much to the people being asked. It costs literally nothing to ask people about their identity and respect it. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not perfect and I don't do it every time but I try to.
Spread the maya and shout out any women of colour that deserve more attention.
Serena Smith, she has a vast portfolio and every time she writes something, I literally click it straight away.
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Hola! I'm Tahmina Begum 👋🏾 I'm a writer, editor and creative consultant. The Aram is currently free to subscribers but it does take a labour of love to write and produce, so if you'd like to support, you can buy me a digital Ko-Fi. If you'd like to commission me for any work, feel free to check out my website.
Images courtesy of margaretzhang @riadjardinsecret @letitia_ann_clark
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