This is the story about a girl named ~Slutty~
🎶 Early morning she wakes up 🎶—in a hostel bunk bed, naked and afraid.
That’s right girlies—I just came home from a two week European extravaganza, and since I knew I had to write about it for you all afterwards, I went full *sicko mode. Everything I do is for the girls—I’m like Malala in that way.
*similar to “low power mode” in that I’m running on empty but giving it my all
My trip started with a 12 hour layover in London—where, weirdly enough, I was not anointed by the Queen, but did have to buy British ointment for a rash I got on the plane.
Alexa play Royals by Lorde 😍
During my brief stint across the pond, I went to a 400 person house party, made out with someone I kept calling “Prince William” despite him not being a Prince nor a William (ok he catfished me?), and learned that London is—and I quote—“big,” thanks to my €100 ride back to my friend’s flat (ok i'm bilingual!) at 5am.
From there, I barely made my 10am flight to Portugal, where I had plans to go on a road trip with a guy I met and kissed 13 years ago on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship.
I should probably mention that he was a gemini 🚩, had the same birthday as my ex 🚩 🚩 , and was a total stranger. 🚩🚩🚩 What could possibly go wrong???
Alexa, who is Brian Laudrie and is he hot?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Much to my surprise (but not anyone else's), things took a very dark turn after one day on the road. I got—and I'm paraphrasing here—"bored." At least if I got murdered I’d finally get my People Magazine cover!!!
Everyone has a different path. 😇
So I did what any normal girl would do if she found herself in the middle of a highway in a foreign country, trapped in a car with someone she doesn’t know: I had my friend send me a fake email and checked myself into a hostel.
From there, everything was smooth sailing (a drunken ship-wreck). I spent my first few days hitting all the Unesco Heritage sites (boys’ Airbnbs), and scrolling through Instagram at cool viewpoints. It was sorta like Eat Pray Love if Julia Roberts never learned a single lesson.
I *ate* shit trying to wear heels on cobblestone, *prayed* to god I didn’t catch the Portuguese variant (HPV, to be clear), and of course, *fell in love* with myself...
I’m obviously kidding about that last part.
I did, on the contrary, meet a hot European man who I would one day like to father my children, so I popped a hole in the condom with my favorite travel essential: my tiny gold hoops (@ Claire’s sponsor me!).
EU passport here I come! 🇫🇷🇵🇹🇪🇸
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