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traveling alone

A Note from the Team (me):

This Sucks offers you an assortment of curated & chaotic musings about all things that suck right now. Yes, you can expect some *topical memes. No, I won’t steal your data (unless I figure out how). Really, I just want you to like me. And if you’re my ex, I hope your new girlfriend likes me and subscribes too. 

*apply directly onto skin

This is the story about a girl named ~Slutty~

 

 

🎶 Early morning she wakes up 🎶—in a hostel bunk bed, naked and afraid. 

That’s right girlies—I just came home from a two week European extravaganza, and since I knew I had to write about it for you all afterwards, I went full *sicko mode. Everything I do is for the girls—I’m like Malala in that way.

 

*similar to “low power mode” in that I’m running on empty but giving it my all


My trip started with a 12 hour layover in London—where, weirdly enough, I was not anointed by the Queen, but did have to buy British ointment for a rash I got on the plane.

Alexa play Royals by Lorde 😍 

During my brief stint across the pond, I went to a 400 person house party, made out with someone I kept calling “Prince William” despite him not being a Prince nor a William (ok he catfished me?), and learned that London is—and I quote—“big,” thanks to my €100 ride back to my friend’s flat (ok i'm bilingual!) at 5am. 

From there, I barely made my 10am flight to Portugal, where I had plans to go on a road trip with a guy I met and kissed 13 years ago on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. 

 


 

I should probably mention that he was a gemini 🚩, had the same birthday as my ex 🚩 🚩 , and was a total stranger. 🚩🚩🚩 What could possibly go wrong???

Alexa, who is Brian Laudrie and is he hot?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Much to my surprise (but not anyone else's), things took a very dark turn after one day on the road. I got—and I'm paraphrasing here—"bored." At least if I got murdered I’d finally get my People Magazine cover!!!

Everyone has a different path. 😇

So I did what any normal girl would do if she found herself in the middle of a highway in a foreign country, trapped in a car with someone she doesn’t know: I had my friend send me a fake email and checked myself into a hostel.

From there, everything was smooth sailing (a drunken ship-wreck). I spent my first few days hitting all the Unesco Heritage sites (boys’ Airbnbs), and scrolling through Instagram at cool viewpoints. It was sorta like Eat Pray Love if Julia Roberts never learned a single lesson.

I *ate* shit trying to wear heels on cobblestone, *prayed* to god I didn’t catch the Portuguese variant (HPV, to be clear), and of course, *fell in love* with myself...

I’m obviously kidding about that last part. 

I did, on the contrary, meet a hot European man who I would one day like to father my children, so I popped a hole in the condom with my favorite travel essential: my
tiny gold hoops (@ Claire’s sponsor me!).

EU passport here I come! 🇫🇷🇵🇹🇪🇸

Things I lost on this trip:

  1. My vax card

  2. My phone

  3. $500 from the nonrefundable flight I accidentally purposefully missed home

  4. My laptop charger (unclear how, I didn’t do a single productive thing)

  5. My vote for socialized healthcare

I should probably explain that last one before all you *comunistas come after me. In short, my trip ended the only way a trip like that possibly could: in the hospital.
 

*NYU students who have Motorycle Diaries in their Amazon cart 
 

On my second to last night in Lisbon I got sick. And I mean siiiick. My throat closed, my brain fogged, but not before having the brilliant realization that getting covid was the perfect excuse to text my European crush.

I obviously didn’t—I’m not desperate. Instead, I posted a story with the Hospital de Santa Maria geotagged for attention. He immeadiately DM’d me to see if I was ok. 

They always come back. 😌

 

🎨 Let me paint the picture for you: 🎨


I'm sitting in the waiting room for 5 hours, desperate to see a doctor. Finally, they call me by my name (@ Timothee if you're reading this please skip this next part)...

Next thing I know I am face down ass up on a hospital bed in the middle of a makeshift respiratory clinic. Thankfully it wasn’t covid, but it was strep—which I’ve deduced—is an STI. 

A nurse comes over and administers an 8 inch shot of penicillin directly into my ass. There is zero privacy or curtains, so I make eye contact with four people (none of them hot) as the sweet antibiotic nectar enters my bloodstream. I naturally feel at home in this black box theatre of a medical facility.

 


 

It was a real “you’re probably wondering how I ended up here” situation. Think Lizzie Mcguire if Lizzie Mcguire got strep from kissing Paolo, Gordo, Isabella, and every other living, breathing hot person in Rome.
 


Lesson learned? The best things in life certainly aren’t free—but that shot of penicillin was. The only cost being my will to live and the decades of youth lost to that firm, cold hand shoving a girthy needle straight into my glute. Also, the 8 hours I spent waiting to see a doctor. #Bernie2069
 

 
So why does traveling alone suck? There’s no one around to take a single photo of you, and spend a lot of time by yourself. It’s not all bad though—I used my alone time to do things like contemplate Portugese colonialism, and immerse myself in local culture.

I’m obviously kidding. 

Really, I sat in Portuguese cafes while taking Buzzfeed quizzes with titles like “Which Real Housewife Are You Based On Your Social Security Number [NOT A SCAM],” and watched YouTube videos about Selena Gomez’s fluctuating weight. And that? Is what being a global citizen is all about. 👩‍🎨 
HOW IT STARTED VS. HOW IT ENDED...

WHAT ELSE?!!!

I’m throwing a holiday show!!!! There are a limited amount of tickets and it’s gonna be—dare I say—fucking crazy. Think egg nog funnels, gay Santa, and maybe even a lap dance by yours truly.

BUY HERE!


When you realize you're on a international road trip with someone whose last name you don't know—Strangers By Nature,  Adele

When you mildly lose consciousness after getting 3oz of antibiotics pumped into your ass—A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay

When you're diagnosed with strep but are invited to a bar crawl the next day—That was Yesterday, Leon Bridges

When you slip on European cobblestone and don't get picked up by a hot Portuguese firefighter—Chasing Pavements,  Adele


 

that's it, for now. xx
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