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Today I share another round of insights that have emerged recently in my work with parents that have helped them respond to their children more sensitively and effectively. I hope they are helpful to you, too.
If you have a big reactor, manage your expectations. In recent weeks I have been hearing a common theme from parents: they feel they are doing something wrong and failing because they can't seem to prevent their children's epic meltdowns. They are doing all the "right" things that they have read about: validating emotions and offering calming tools like deep-belly breathing and bear hugs. Not only aren't these tools working, in many cases, anything they try seems to escalate, not reduce, their children's distress. These parents feel like total failures. At the same time they are very concerned about what seems to be such outsized reactions from their children.
The problem is the expectation gap. This delta—between their expectations for their child, who is a big reactor, and their child's ability to manage her emotions—is a source of great frustration and despair. Once these moms and dads accept that: their child may have to melt down; that it is not their fault that the meltdown happened; and, that they can't prevent or stop the meltdowns, there is a great sense of relief. They are also able to feel less angry and have more empathy for their children. They are much better positioned to be the rock their children need in these tumultuous moments. Which brings me to the next insight...
Repeating empathetic phrases when your child is in the “red zone” can result in an increase in dysregulation. In order to see exactly how the dynamics unfold between parents and children during challenging moments, like meltdowns, I have parents send me videos of these situations. First. what I see most parents doing is making supportive statements, along the lines of, "This is a tough moment. I'm here with you." Indeed, it is very important to show children that they are seen, and that you understand and accept ALL of their emotions.
Where things go south is when parents repeat these statements, over and over. While this is clearly intended to soothe their child, paradoxically, it often results in an increase in dysregulation. The more the parent makes these statements, especially when naming specific emotions they imagine their child is feeling, "I know, you're really angry", the more the child escalates: "I AM NOT ANGRY!!" When children are in this "red zone", less is more. Repeating an empathic statement does not make you more empathetic. Acknowledging your child's distress one time and then being a quiet, calm presence until the storm passes is often what is most loving.
Stop asking kids how their day was. School is amazing and also stressful for kids—positive stress, that is. It's the stress that leads to growth as children learn to: follow countless directions and rules, wait their turn, manage disappointment at not being the line leader or snack helper...the list goes on.
Because of how stimulating and demanding school can be, many kids are exhausted by the time you reunite with them at the end of the day. Questions can be experienced as yet another stressor at a time when kids are at their threshold for stimulation. It's yet another demand and it puts them over the edge, provoking a reactive, irrational response that may not be an accurate depiction of their time at school. They say school was boring, or that they did nothing, or they just start shouting or melting down. While you want so badly to know what went on for your child during that important part of their day, what most kids need at this juncture is space. That is the most loving and effective response. It shows you are tuning into and respecting their needs, and makes it more likely they will fill that space when they are ready. As one mom recently recounted: "Day after day I would ask my 4-year-old what happened at school. I even tried the workaround of asking him to tell me something silly or surprising. Still, silence. So I stopped asking altogether. I just gave him a warm greeting upon reuniting with him and then was silent. And guess what? He started spontaneously sharing tidbits about his day."
(Remember, it's because they trust and feel safest with you that they feel freer to decompensate at home while they can hold it together at school. More on why children are superstars at school and "terrors" at home, here.)
You don't have to react to everything. Lucas and his dad, Harrison, have a wonderful ritual of playing ball in the backyard for about 20 minutes when Harrison gets home from work. They treasure this time together. Inevitably, when it's time to go inside, Lucas protests and tries to get Harrison to play longer. Harrison is very empathetic, acknowledges Lucas' disappointment at playtime ending, but he is clear that it's a daddy job to be sure they have dinner on time.
On this particular night, when I am there for a home visit to support Lucas' parents in feeling comfortable setting loving limits (Lucas' intense, demanding behavior has reached a crescendo), Lucas harrumphs and continues his protest as Harrison moves them inside. Once in the kitchen, Lucas looks right at Harrison as he nudges a harmless object off a table. Harrison is about to react, but I signal to him not to. Harrison is confounded, but he holds back from his knee-jerk reaction--to get harsh with Lucas about his "mis" behavior which usually only escalates the situation. I suggest Harrison ignore the provocative behavior but not ignore Lucas. Accordingly, Harrison announces they are going to have a set-the-table dance party and asks Lucas what music they should play. Lucas reacts by grunting and turning away from Harrison. Harrison doesn't react, he continues to place napkins on the table as he grooves to the music. Once Lucas sees that Harrison isn't going to try to cajole him to get over it, or get frustrated and angry at his behavior—both powerful reinforcers—eventually Lucas joins in.
The take-home: you don't have to react to everything. If your child's actions aren't harmful and are clearly just designed to provoke a reaction from you, the best thing to do is to IGNORE THE BEHAVIOR BUT DON'T IGNORE YOUR CHILD. To read more about how to not reinforce provocative behavior, check out this blog.
Learn
Little Otter Health (for whom I am an advisor), has developed a FREE toolkit for families with children 2-12 that helps parents identify whether to worry about your child’s mental health. It also provides tips and activities to support your child and family this holiday season.
Read
Sign up for Melissa Wenner Moyer's newsletter. Melinda is a science journalist and author (who writes frequently for The NY Times and Scientific American.) You can read more about her here. Melinda addresses questions and concerns about challenging kid behavior and other gnarly parenting questions with science.
You should also check out her book, How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-based Strategies for Better Parenting—From Tots to Teens, a clear, actionable, science-based guide for parents on how to shape kids into honest, kind, generous, confident, independent, and resilient people. It is an excellent and extremely helpful read that will provide you with the tools you need to address racism, gender identity, and to nurture generous, honest, compassionate people.
Melinda’s latest newsletter takes an in-depth review of what the research does and doesn’t tell us about the impact of screen use on kids. It’s excellent.
Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. I served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for 20+ years, where I oversaw the development of all parenting educational content. I have been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. I also provide training to local preschools and pediatric residents. I am the author of numerous parenting publications, curricula and articles in addition to a podcast and video series for parents and professionals. I write a column for PBSkids.org and have also written columns for Parents Magazine. I have been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
