27th October 2021 @ 12:45pm
Took my first micro-dose today. I dont know if its my spliff, the sun or my first capsule but the sunlight and atmosphere felt sparklier than usual.
2nd November 2021 @ 1:50pm
Chatted with Josh at 1am about how I feel in small instances I feel like I have noticed my ability to snap out of an anxious thought about doing certain tasks, and I felt able/prepared to do it. Eg, eating or replying to emails.
3rd November 2021
Somehow managed to tick 6/9 things off my To Do list with mums help.
4th November 2021
Happy Diwali! i woke up in pain but I dont feel like theres a grey cloud over me.
10th November 2021
Mum says she has noticed my anxiety and depression have improved as well as being able to regulate the extreme lows and erratic highs.
15th November 2021
Two weeks ago it felt like I was drowning everyday, emotionally and physically. I feel more calm and balanced.
17th November 2021
I feel more able to convey my emotions through my illustrations eg. Autism/ADHD cycle, micro-dosing experience so far and depression.
19th November 2021
Im starting to feel like the distance between me and my dark depressive state (which has spiralled for the past few years) has gotten wider and the feelings which once enveloped me are sort of out of reach. I feel low today, I feel overwhelmed at the possibilities of more change, but all the change has been positive so far. Depression and anxiety has been my norm for so long and I was at breaking point. I was desperate for relief and change. Maybe I feel disbelief that micro-dosing could have this much of an impact even though the change is night and day. I have faith, I am open.
20th November 2021 @ 2pm
I had feelings of depression yesterday and this morning when I woke up. That grey cloud feeling, assuming the worst and worry in the back of my mind. Before I started micro-dosing I had already had the realisation and acceptance that im Autistic and ADHD, so sometimes I can feel overwhelmed, or assume I am overthinking sime of the changes Im experiencing eg. Embracing comfort in my stuffed animals and dancing/grooving to music more freely.
21st November 2021
I automatically focus on the negative moments as proof that the micro-dosing is too good to be true, rather than looking holistically that over all in the past 25 days I have been more social (with family), more interactions and jokes, generally less sadness and anxiety, as well as my creativity flowing again. It is just so stressful having a body and mind that is continuously marginalised and oppressed. I have to become my own doctor, researcher and scientist. The only reason Im on hormonal contraception is to manage my Endometriosis and avoid having periods, I have accepted infertility. I have had to find out Im Autistic/ADHD by myself after 13+ years with “depression”. I feel overwhelmed by self reflection. As an artist I have always been analytical of myself and the world, but I feel more exposed. Through this pandemic I had wanted to hide and not be perceived so maybe it will take time to reconnect comfortably. Im angry at my first boyfriend as I age and realise the ways he was manipulative and creepy. I have every right to unpack and analyse my life, I can only tell my truth and no one on this earth can silence me.
22nd November 2021
I drew my emotions in relation to that dickhead, I drew the bad feelings and purged my emotions into a piece, anger, shock, surprise and disgust. I drew another page turning his vile words at me into love and gratitude for myself. For growth, for love, pitying him despite calling me a miserable ugly cunt. Love will always be in my heart, despite chronic pain taking over my body, the beauty of my mind and soul, no pathetic loser can ever bring me down. I love art and that I can express myself and work through my feelings with imagery on my iPad, manifesting and purging, processing, analysing and confronting feelings so I can sleep peacefully.
23rd November 2021 @ 10:30am
I didnt feel much anxiety in the lead up to leaving the house to visit Christine and go for lunch. It was my first time eating out since the pandemic started, and I was able to enjoy myself while there with no anxiety before or during. Took the 10th of 10 Psilocybin capsules today for the first month course. The change speaks for itself. I cant stress enough how close to breaking down I was a month ago. I felt like I wasnt strong enough to cope with my life - my body pain and decline i mental stability, everything was triggering me to tears or anger. I stayed in my bedroom avoiding my family, napping, smoking my sadness away. This month my parents have seen me loads, Im less irritable, have a bit mire focus and energy.
24th November 2021
I feel more self reflective than ever, definitely unblocked old traumas and new perspectives. Bad memories of my first relationship, triggered by random podcasts and videos which make me feel sad and violated for my younger self. Felt a bit of a lull, no energy. The idea of being perceived freaks me out and gives me anxiety - want to hide, is that so bad. I dont want to make any new friends, I like being alone, I like my own space.
25th November 2021
So grateful for the internet to be able to learn about Autism and ADHD from people, not medical stereotypes and assumptions. Im finally starting to know/understand my true self - not trying to hold myself to an unachievable standard set by neurotypical people. No longer being in a shameful shadow of impossible expectations.
26th November 2021 @ 11:30am
Injection hurt - whole body aches and Im just gutted that Ive been facing my fear of needles for four months and have no sign of improvement. The waiting is so depressing and without micro-dosing since Oct 27th, Im not sure how I would have survived the past month. So grateful and thankful. I have never been more in tune or connected to myself, solely based on writing this journal consistently. James Fadiman said “Our connection to the plant/natural world is one of rediscovery because of the systems created by ignorant white people”
28th November 2021
The self awareness that comes with realising/learning I have Autism/ADHD is already really overwhelming at times, as an artist I can be extremely analytical, critical and reflective. It sort of feels like being turned inside out at times, thinking about your life through a whole different lens of knowing and understanding yourself. Even more so since micro-dosing and being introspective with this journal. I feel like I know myself more but at the same time meeting a new person.
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