November 2021

I actually dont know where to begin this month. I guess I will start by saying the month began with Diwali, celebrated by Hindus, Sikhs, Jains and some Buddhists, and the month is ending with the start of the Jewish celebration of Chanukah, I hope everyone was able to celebrate with loved ones and make some beautiful memories. November is also the month in which my Mama was born so I have to give her a special shout out and thank her for her love and care. She had a lovely weekend of food, friends and flowers, we tried our best to make her feel as special as she is. I received a care package from a friend/supporter in Arizona who previously sent me Frida Kahlo books, this time sending a vintage 1993 Barbie and some delicious treats, I cant wait to meet her next year hopefully. I started with the positive half of the intro here is where I may turn into existential crisis mode, because “world leaders” met in Glasgow for COP26 where they basically talked in riddles, while taking private jets and 4x4 convoys and ignoring/not centring leaders from the Global South who have been facing the deadly consequences of the Global Norths capitalist greed for decades already. When there were floods in Germany last year a woman interviewed on the news said while crying “this isnt supposed to happen to us”- perfectly encapsulating the imperialism of europe and settler colonies - global warming is meant to kill Black and Brown people in far away lands. 

Mia Mottley President of (Newly Independent from british head of state!!!!!) Barbados said that Europe better hurry up and REALLY DEAL with the climate crisis or the mass migration they often talk about will 100% happen as Caribbean islands sinks and other countries across the Global South are forced to flee their homelands from devastation and natural disasters. Here is Vijay Prashard saying that colonialism and imperialism is damaging our globe better than I ever could, the fact is the people who are most in danger of climate change are those who contribute to it the least! Most indigenous cultures respect nature, capitalist white imperialism seeks to destroy and profit of nature.  

I also want to send my condolences and empathy and love to all people who were at Astroworld, and especially those who lost their lives. So many people were failed and I was so fearful just seeng some of the footage I cannot imagine how terrifying to experience so many of the moments of chaos that night. Travis Scott recklessly endangering his fans isnt what being a “rockstar” is about, mosh pits have rules and people actually care about eachother. He hadnt learned from the previous two times he has been charged for inciting crowds at other concerts which leads me to the conclusion that Travis enjoyed creating an environment of terror and disregard for his fellow humans safety and instead enjoyed the power and ego boost of having so many lives in his hands.

Finally the reason I didnt really know where to start this month is because I have just completed my first month of micro-dosing Psilocybin (a psychedelic compound found in magic mushrooms). When taken in very small amounts (micro-doses) it can have profound impact on your mental wellbeing and outlook in general. This isnt something I have rushed into, but have done lots of reading and contemplating but if you want to hear about that and learn something about the healing power of natural compounds in more detail please carry on reading!

How do I begin this. Last year I learned/confirmed all the magical ways cannabis can be used medicinally for all kinds of chronic conditions, as well as just improving the quality of life for those with terminal illnesses. My anger grew as I understood the war on drugs, the racism and anti-science approach which has dictated laws and scientific research for the past few decades. At the same time as I was having these discoveries, my brother was having a similar experience with the power of mushrooms, and not just the psychedelic kind but all types of fungi. Much more research trials have been done over the past decade with psychedelics being used to treat mental health issues such as Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Addiction and OCD in controlled environments with LSD or Psilocybin. 

I first tried magic mushrooms and truffles in Amsterdam about 10 years ago, the truffles gave me a nice warm feeling inside and elevated the environment I was in without giving me any trippy visuals. When I tried the mushrooms I had bad time because I was mildly triggered by my inconsiderate boyfriend at the time, I stayed in my hotel room and tried to sleep it off (which was impossible experiencing sharp noises in my ears when I tried ti drift off). Anyways I say that to give some background into my experience with psychedelics up until this point. In the past few years, dealing with chronic pain I have wanted to experience a true trip where my state is altered by visuals and I can experience some kind of out of body experience freeing me from my body prison. Humans have been using natural psychedelics for thousands of years of documented history, which makes me believe there is a benefit to these rituals and experiences to help us understand life itself as well as medicinally. I have learnt that Set and Setting are important when using psychedelics - set = mindset of openness and intention, and setting = physical and social environment (so that you can be super comfortable).

I think a great way for me to communicate to you my experience is by sharing some of the excerpts from the diary I have been keeping to journal day to day thoughts and feelings. This is recommended to keep track of the days in which you take the micro-dose as well as your emotions alongside that. The thing about micro-dosing is that you shouldn’t feel any trippy, reality altering moments, that is how tiny the amount is. The idea is that the Psilocybin is building, rebuilding, connecting and reconnecting pathways in our brains gradually over time. The technique I use is taking the micro dose on day one, then two days without, and repeat. Im doing this for three months and then I’ll give it a rest to see what the lasting affects are (there are no known side affects but i want to see the positive changes that have been sparked rather than continuously micro-dose).

27th October 2021 @ 12:45pm
Took my first micro-dose today. I dont know if its my spliff, the sun or my first capsule but the sunlight and atmosphere felt sparklier than usual.

2nd November 2021 @ 1:50pm
Chatted with Josh at 1am about how I feel in small instances I feel like I have noticed my ability to snap out of an anxious thought about doing certain tasks, and I felt able/prepared to do it. Eg, eating or replying to emails.

3rd November 2021
Somehow managed to tick 6/9 things off my To Do list with mums help.

4th November 2021 
Happy Diwali! i woke up in pain but I dont feel like theres a grey cloud over me.

10th November 2021
Mum says she has noticed my anxiety and depression have improved as well as being able to regulate the extreme lows and erratic highs.

15th November 2021 
Two weeks ago it felt like I was drowning everyday, emotionally and physically. I feel more calm and balanced.

17th November 2021
I feel more able to convey my emotions through my illustrations eg. Autism/ADHD cycle, micro-dosing experience so far and depression. 

19th November 2021 
Im starting to feel like the distance between me and my dark depressive state (which has spiralled for the past few years) has gotten wider and the feelings which once enveloped me are sort of out of reach. I feel low today, I feel overwhelmed at the possibilities of more change, but all the change has been positive so far. Depression and anxiety has been my norm for so long and I was at breaking point. I was desperate for relief and change. Maybe I feel disbelief that micro-dosing could have this much of an impact even though the change is night and day. I have faith, I am open. 

20th November 2021 @ 2pm
I had feelings of depression yesterday and this morning when I woke up. That grey cloud feeling, assuming the worst and worry in the back of my mind. Before I started micro-dosing I had already had the realisation and acceptance that im Autistic and ADHD, so sometimes I can feel overwhelmed, or assume I am overthinking sime of the changes Im experiencing eg. Embracing comfort in my stuffed animals and dancing/grooving to music more freely.

21st November 2021 
I automatically focus on the negative moments as proof that the micro-dosing is too good to be true, rather than looking holistically that over all in the past 25 days I have been more social (with family), more interactions and jokes, generally less sadness and anxiety, as well as my creativity flowing again. It is just so stressful having a body and mind that is continuously marginalised and oppressed. I have to become my own doctor, researcher and scientist. The only reason Im on hormonal contraception is to manage my Endometriosis and avoid having periods, I have accepted infertility. I have had to find out Im Autistic/ADHD by myself after 13+ years with “depression”. I feel overwhelmed by self reflection. As an artist I have always been analytical of myself and the world, but I feel more exposed. Through this pandemic I had wanted to hide and not be perceived so maybe it will take time to reconnect comfortably. Im angry at my first boyfriend as I age and realise the ways he was manipulative and creepy. I have every right to unpack and analyse my life, I can only tell my truth and no one on this earth can silence me. 

22nd November 2021
I drew my emotions in relation to that dickhead, I drew the bad feelings and purged my emotions into a piece, anger, shock, surprise and disgust. I drew another page turning his vile words at me into love and gratitude for myself. For growth, for love, pitying him despite calling me a miserable ugly cunt. Love will always be in my heart, despite chronic pain taking over my body, the beauty of my mind and soul, no pathetic loser can ever bring me down. I love art and that I can express myself and work through my feelings with imagery on my iPad, manifesting and purging, processing, analysing and confronting feelings so I can sleep peacefully. 

23rd November 2021 @ 10:30am
I didnt feel much anxiety in the lead up to leaving the house to visit Christine and go for lunch. It was my first time eating out since the pandemic started, and I was able to enjoy myself while there with no anxiety before or during. Took the 10th of 10 Psilocybin capsules today for the first month course. The change speaks for itself. I cant stress enough how close to breaking down I was a month ago. I felt like I wasnt strong enough to cope with my life - my body pain and decline i mental stability, everything was triggering me to tears or anger. I stayed in my bedroom avoiding my family, napping, smoking my sadness away. This month my parents have seen me loads, Im less irritable, have a bit mire focus and energy. 

24th November 2021
I feel more self reflective than ever, definitely unblocked old traumas and new perspectives. Bad memories of my first relationship, triggered by random podcasts and videos which make me feel sad and violated for my younger self. Felt a bit of a lull, no energy. The idea of being perceived freaks me out and gives me anxiety - want to hide, is that so bad. I dont want to make any new friends, I like being alone, I like my own space.

25th November 2021
So grateful for the internet to be able to learn about Autism and ADHD from people, not medical stereotypes and assumptions. Im finally starting to know/understand my true self - not trying to hold myself to an unachievable standard set by neurotypical people. No longer being in a shameful shadow of impossible expectations. 

26th November 2021 @ 11:30am
Injection hurt - whole body aches and Im just gutted that Ive been facing my fear of needles for four months and have no sign of improvement. The waiting is so depressing and without micro-dosing since Oct 27th, Im not sure how I would have survived the past month. So grateful and thankful. I have never been more in tune or connected to myself, solely based on writing this journal consistently. James Fadiman said “Our connection to the plant/natural world is one of rediscovery because of the systems created by ignorant white people” 

28th November 2021
The self awareness that comes with realising/learning I have Autism/ADHD is already really overwhelming at times, as an artist I can be extremely analytical, critical and reflective. It sort of feels like being turned inside out at times, thinking about your life through a whole different lens of knowing and understanding yourself. Even more so since micro-dosing and being introspective with this journal. I feel like I know myself more but at the same time meeting a new person.

I always love seeing friends of my paternal grandparents who were all architects. Today we saw Christine and went for a lovely Italian meal (my first time eating in a restaurant since the pandemic started). David and Christine travelled and collected penguins through their lives and as penguins are my fav animals I always found them to be fun. David is smoking a cigar with my Gramps somewhere above the clouds now, but seeing Christine makes me feel close to them again. As I mentioned in my September 2021 newsletter, when she came round for lunch, Grandma met Christine in 1966 when she first came to London, Christine told us how much she admired Grandma Nancy’s strength for working her town planning job while raising her boys and running the house. She was a superhero to me. Penguin mosaic designed by David made by family friend Cleo Mussi

The area I live in London has a big Greek Cypriot population so throughout my life I have had the opportunity to witness a variety of cultural experiences over the years. Since the pandemic my neighbour wanted to show me and mum all the fabric her mum made from the age of ten in Cyprus, and we finally got a chance to this month. She was born in 1920 in Cyprus, the oldest daughter who wasnt able to get an education and instead had to learn to become a seamstress at 14. She was from a village called Agia Marina (Skyllouras) which is on the Turkish occupied half of Cyprus, which was invaded in 1974 and has been a military base ever since.  All of the material is woven by her mums hand, they had cotton plants and silk worms so even the thread and fibres were made with raw materials. The weaving, crochet, cut work lace, linen, cotton and embroidery were all stunning. It was such a privilege to experience the tens of thousands of hours she spent mastering all these different techniques in such an intimate setting. I could tell my neighbour was so proud to be talking about her mama and describing all of the different occasions and uses for each of the materials.