View this email in your browser

2021

A Note from the Team (me):

This Sucks offers you an assortment of curated & chaotic musings about all things that suck right now. Yes, you can expect some *topical memes. No, I won’t steal your data (unless I figure out how). Really, I just want you to like me. And if you’re my ex, I hope your new girlfriend likes me and subscribes too.

*apply directly onto skin

Well it’s that time of year again…

We bid farewell to 2021, or as I like to call it, the unnecessary sequel to 2020, where they replaced one b-list actor with another vaguely similar-looking actor who was much, much worse.

And we noticed. We noticed.

Basically, a lot happened last year and as such—I wanted to do a quick recap in case you forgot any of the painstaking details. Say it with me girls:

We forgive, but our therapist never lets us forget. ✨

2021 started off the only way it could—with the symbolic and at times literal destruction of American democracy. The capitol riots were a fever dream—nay, nightmare—except at least in my bedtime terrors I get to wake up (and sleep with Timothee Chalamet before a zombie apocalypse kills us both).

There was the Qanon Shaman–who I’ve admittedly had a sex dream about (I know you have too), and Britney Spears’ ex husband, who you probably didn’t realize was at the riots (or alive still), because you hopefully weren’t there (and never paid attention to him before).

Speaking of Britney—we freed her. Now she’s allowed to humiliate herself on Instagram just like the rest of us. I obviously want nothing but peace and happiness for the *not-a-girl/not-yet-a-woman* who inspired me to buy a tie in 5th grade, which was the first time in my life I realized I wanted to dress business casual but live unemployed rich. 💰💰💰

What else? Bernie Sanders wore mittens—which became my, and the internet’s, collective kink.

SIDE NOTE: Where is he??? Bernie feels like that guy you had a steamy situationship with last spring before he fell off the face of the earth (deleted his Hinge). Bernie are u up? I’m scared. And didn’t you promise me that Jeff Bezos would pay off my student loans or something? I miss hearing your socialist sweet nothings whispered into my ear. Now all I hear are doomsday rumors, alt-right conspiracies, and something about my car’s extended warranty...?

Anyways...Daft Punk—like me and my ex—broke up, though unlike me and my ex, everyone was upset and surprised. Oh and the US government admitted that there are, in fact, aliens. Which is like totally fine haha lol wait??? HUH?????

It keeps going (getting worse). Johnson and Johnson released a one-dose vaccine made out of Elmer’s glue and baby shampoo—both from the expired bottles you used in second grade. The CDC updated their quarantine guidelines to “put body in bag of rice for 24 hours u should be fine lol.”

But actually, Young People Online refused to believe COVID wasn’t deadly for them/didn’t require a 2 week quarantine (ok stockholm syndrome vibes!), and begged the CDC to bury us in the familiar warmth of fear and let’s be honest—more sick days.

Sorry guys, it’s time to go back to work!

JK none of us have jobs :)

Oh and there was an outage on Instagram for 6 hours. It was so traumatic that now every time my page doesn't load I react like a WWII vet near fireworks.

HOW 2021 STARTED VS. HOW IT ENDED...

But for me, 2021 was all about coming to terms with the truth, or at least *MY* truth. I had to take a good hard look at some of my preconceived notions of the world—like the fact that separating my laundry into whites and colors was just a lie peddled to me by Big Grandma. And that maybe I *don't* need to post every single thought on the internet all the time (questionable).

It’s also the year I realized that I’m not a kid…I’m actually a baby who shouldn't be expected to work, vote, or contribute to society at large in any meaningful way. 👶

This new years I decided to follow some sage wisdom from an 8 year old on TikTok and "keep expectations low, and be pleasantly surprised." That's why my resolution was to "return a single Amazon package" and not anything involving losing weight or becoming a better person.

I don’t have to explicitly say it but 2021 sucked. The whole thing felt very end of the world foreplay, except none of us had an orgasm when the clock struck midnight on new years. It was kinda like when you tell a guy you’re really close/don’t change a thing, and for some reason he takes that as encouragement to whip out his most experimental finger work—the most horrific use of the American Sign Language. And you’re shot right back to where you started—dry, turned off, and craving ramen somehow.

But I guess to leave you all on a positive note, I’ll say this—the past two years have been...weird. And that weirdness probably won’t slow down anytime soon. So do whatever the fuck makes you happy this year. Quit your job, go to Bali (upstate New York), hook up with someone in a bar bathroom (hepatitis is the new covid!).

Life is topsy turvy, unpredictable, and at times, depressing, but if you can find a few moments of beauty, humor, fun, and horniness…they eventually add up to outweigh everything else.

And if that doesn't work, try shrooms.

Cheers to the new year <3

P.S I was supposed to send out this newsletter on January 1st, but I got covid and had brainfog—which I’ve also had every other day of my life for the past 26 years…but now finally have an excuse my weaponize my laziness. x

When you end the year where you began (head in the toilet, sobbing, horny)—F ull Circle, George Fitzgerald

When your body count and credit score had an inverse relationship last year—body count, Odunsi

When your new year's resolution goes to shit on Jan 2 —Tomorrow Never Came, Lana Del Ray

When the year didn't turn out as planned, but you ended up better for it—Don't Look Back in Anger, Oasis

that's it, for now. xx