Trouble in Paradise?
Howdy, hi, hello. Welcome to Engine Failure, a Formula 1 culture newsletter that dives into what the fuck is really going on in F1. It’s written by me, Lily Herman.
Hello, my little munchkins! Welcome back to Engine Failure, the F1-related newsletter where we almost never talk about the power unit or the chassis or whatever. (OK, I think I mentioned a chassis once in an email.)
Anyway, I hope y’all enjoyed the two-week break, because I’m ready to talk about a lot of things!
The Secret Santa Video Watched ‘Round the World
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But where is Lewis?!
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F1 put out its annual Secret Santa video, and there’s much to discuss. Lance (or his assistant) is good at gift-giving??? Carlos is terrible at gift-giving??? The Aston Martin team is apparently trying to mend the rift between Esteban and Pierre with padel??? Lando doesn’t know where Zurich is???? (That last one isn't surprising necessarily though considering this incident and this other incident.)
And yes, you’re not the only person who noticed that Lewis was missing from Secret Santa. I have questions!
Char² No More?
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Something very odd unfolded on Instagram during the month of December: I don’t know where it started, but for whatever reason, many of the big F1 WAGs fan accounts started getting a lot of user questions about if Charles Leclerc and Charlotte Sine broke up. The reason? They hadn’t posted anything together in at least a month, if not longer.
Charlotte’s one of the WAGs (if not the WAG) who most actively engages with the fandom, and she eventually had to put up an IG Story addressing the rumors, saying she wasn’t posting as much or going to races as frequently due to her schooling. The pair then proceeded to post a lot of the two of them during their trip to Mexico with friends over the holidays, which in turn led to questions of them overcompensating. (Are you tired just trying to keep track of all of this? Because I am.)
There’s a real “damned if they do, damned if they don’t” element to this whole thing, and I understand the conundrum for Charlotte: She’s the third most-followed WAG on the grid behind Kelly Piquet and Lily He and thrives on being more forthcoming than her counterparts. Not to mention, she’s started dipping her toes into #sponcon this year, and as we as know, influencers’ relevance lives and dies by their artfully curated ~authenticity~. With that, however, often comes the unfair expectation of full transparency, even in private aspects of personal life. Woof.
A Fish Guy and Our Other Great American F1 Hope
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Once again, Logan Sargeant makes me sigh. Not only did he post this photo on the left on his birthday, but I took a small perusal of his Instagram and found out that he’s a Fish Guy™. Y’all, I don’t know if I can, in good faith, root a Fish Guy™. The jury's still out, but I need this man to come up with better personality traits ASAP.
There’s good news though, folks: We’ve got another American F1 hopeful in our midst. He’s only 13 right now, but say hello to Ugo Ugochukwu. He’s currently the only (yes, only!) driver signed to McLaren’s junior program, and he’s a karting prodigy heading to F4 next year with Carlin. We’re Team Ugo in this house!!!!
Danny…Come On, Dude
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Y’all, I swear I’m not harping specifically on Danny Ric, but he just continues to do asinine shit. The latest example: On the same day he announced his partnership with Save the Children, he posted an XXXTentacion song to his Instagram Story as part of that Beats sponsorship. If you need a refresher on who XXXTentacion is, here you go. Siiiiir! Get it together!!!
Lando and Lu
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Lando Norris is either extremely bad at hiding his relationship with Luisinha Barosa Oliveira or extremely good at slowly soft-launching it. I mean, this whole carnival photo thing from the two of them is egregious.
Like what you see? Check out other recent Engine Failure issues and then forward this newsletter to a friend because you're a nice person who wants to see me ~succeed~:
And if you have tips, suggestions, theories, intel, gossip, or questions, tweet me or send me an email.
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An anonymous Twitter account posted what they claim are sections of Kevin Magnussen’s new memoir All or Nothing, which is written in Danish. I can’t tell if this whole thread is a joke or not, but here are the juiciest things they claim are in the book (and even if this is a big bit, I’m amused):
P1: Ron Dennis is apparently the reason KMag couldn’t race for Force India in 2014. Ronny D really is quite the villain in a lot of this alleged story.
P2: KMag was fired on his 23rd birthday in 2015. Whew, what a bag of dicks.
P3: Kevin said Cyril sucked. I mean, he’s an emo Frenchman. I don’t know what Kev expected.
P4: KMag wrote that he hasn’t spoken to Nico Hulkenberg since that incident several years ago. LMAO.
P5: Kevin believes he was a better driver when he was given sim duties than many of the actual F1 drivers at McLaren. Arrogance seems to be a theme here too.
P6: KMag used to purposely lock Romain Grosjean out of their shared bathroom. Whoops.
P7: Kevin was offered a seat at Williams and turned it down. He also trashed Nicky in the process. Poor Nicky.
P8: Kev described Formula E as only barely better than a kick in the balls. JFC.
P9: Kevin has a tattoo of a camel on his toe that he got while drunk and he also peed in an old red phone booth while intoxicated at the behest of Jenson Button. This all...tracks.
In the words of a slightly younger KMag, suck my ball, mate!
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Lewis was fully MIA during the last two weeks, so Pierre will once again have to take the top slot for our fit check, starting with…that green sweater??? How do we feel about this???
Meanwhile, he and Kat ventured to NYC, where the latter proclaimed her love of Whole Foods, the Nets, and Carbone. I mean this in the kindest way when I say they are the most basic couple in existence and I love them for it. Hey, Whole Foods is popular for a reason! The Nets are doing well! Carbone is…a choice, but Pierre and Kat are rich! Yolo!
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In a surprising move, Max and Kelly also headed in the U.S., this time choosing COVID-swamped Miami as their destination. Tbh, I never saw these two as American vacay people, but it appears I’m overruled. (And can someone please explain to me why Max is wearing a boob hat?)
Kelly was def a fashionista on this trip per usual, and the two of them looked…cozy. (They also met Max's nephew first!)
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I must once again shout about my excitement that Lily He is back on the WAGs grid. Ugh, look at these two!!!!!
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Lastly, since this is probably the last time I’ll get to mention her, Minttu Räikkönen came PREPARED for her tropical holiday vacay. I kind of love that her, Kimi, and the Ice Cubes have just been chilling on an island for, like, three weeks.
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Y’all!!!!! My bebes!!!!! They’re in Australia!!!! Which Tiff hasn’t visited in two years!!!! I don't know how I feel about Val as Santa but ahhhhhh!!!!!
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Carlos continues to disappoint me with his lack of denim (and, you know, general posting) during the F1 off-season, but at least Isa is holding down the fort for the duo. (And unfortunately, all of the F1 style accounts I follow haven't found where that outfit on the left is from. I WILL SEARCH FOR IT UNTIL I OWN IT.)
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Thank you to everyone who wrote into last issue’s Conspiracy Corner question: Give me your single-most controversial prediction for the 2022 season. Be bold! Give reasons! Get weird!
Y’all certainly got…bold and weird:
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Phil: The era of Merc domination is over. Alpine-Renault is coming to give Fernando his third title.
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Dara: In his first year as FIA president, Mohammed bin Sulayem finds himself in the excruciatingly awkward position of having to issue a formal apology to his own government. This isn’t because of any political statements from Seb or Lewis, or even because of any derogatory statements made by team principals about the still-dangerous state of the track at Jeddah, but because Alex Albon snuck some extremely hardcore porn into Lando Norris’ luggage as a joke two races prior and Lando hadn’t bothered to unpack, thus creating an ENORMOUS kerfuffle at Saudi Customs.
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Juan: Red Bull won't win a race. They're supplying their own engines and it'll take at least one season for them to work out all the issues.
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Irena: George Russell's OnlyFans leaks. Guanyu Zhou denies Uyghur genocide and calls Taiwan a "province." At least one car is turned into a NFT. Also, are any of the other four people who said Phoenix [in the last newsletter] single and looking?
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Byrd: Williams comes second in the constructors. It won’t happen, but I want it so bad.
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Robert: George Russell will win the Monaco Grand Prix. Monaco heavily favors drivers who are really good in qualifying as it's very difficult to overtake there, and as we all know, George is called Mr. Saturday for a very good reason. Combine that with finally being in a top car next year and I honestly think George could pull it off.
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Nikki: Ferrari: Acrimony! Resentment! Animosity! Dio mio! Non bene! I don't think all of this mishegoss will be between Charles and Carlos, but I think Mattia and the other Ferrari bosses will favor Charles even more so now, especially because Carlos received such fantastic press — and his performance! — at the end of the season. I think there's a potential problemi brewing. #ScuderiaTensione
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Elena: Williams wins a race but our cursed son George Russell does not.
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Antonio: Esteban Ocon will become world champion, much to the dismay of everyone including himself.
Today’s question: Which driver is most likely to have a New Year’s resolution, what do you think it is, and are they successful at sticking to it?
Submit your answer here.
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