As this pandemic persists into year three, the stress of constant change has resulted in many of the kids whose parents I support, regressing. So today's newsletter provides insight into and guidance on why children move backwards in their development and how best to help them return to their more "mature" level of functioning. 



Here are some very typical scenarios I am hearing from families these days:

Madison used to be a great sleeper. Over the past few weeks, as the pandemic has persisted, bedtime has deteriorated. It started with Madison insisting that I stay with her until she falls asleep. Now she insists on sleeping in our bed all night.

–Father of a four-year-old

Jackson had been fully potty trained and was a “big boy” in so many ways. Since his little brother was born, he has started to have a lot of accidents. He is demanding a bottle and wants to be carried 24/7. This is driving us crazy. We don’t need two babies in this household!

—Mom of a three-year-old

Kids regressing—moving backwards in their development—is a common phenomenon. It is usually in reaction to a stressor: a move, a new baby in the family, a change in schools or caregivers, or…a global pandemic, to name a few. Any change or disruption in children’s daily routines is stressful.

When we, children and adults alike, experience shifts in our worlds (especially when they are unexpected or seismic, like COVID), our psychic energy gets diverted from higher level brain functions to just trying to cope day to day. (Few people I know would say they are at the top of their game right now. Just like many of us are having a harder time managing everyday tasks and challenges, so are our kids.) This can result in more challenging behaviors and regression to less mature levels of functioning. When a child’s system is stressed, she may get frustrated more easily, become more clingy, have more potty accidents, experience sleep disruption, or, have a change in her eating patterns. Keep in mind that highly sensitive (HS) children are more prone to regression as they are more vulnerable and reactive to changes in their world.

That’s not to say that all stress is harmful to kids. For example, starting preschool is a major shift. Most children go through a period of discomfort as they learn to adapt to this new experience—managing the separation from parents/caregivers, figuring out the rules of the classroom and how to get along with peers. This is positive stress because it leads to growth and the development of new skills. But during this adaptation process, some regression is to be expected. In the preschools where I consult, there are always some children who in the first month of school won’t eat snack or use the toilet, and may not do a lot of talking or interacting with their peers or teachers. Once they adapt, they feel comfortable and their stress is reduced, they have access to all of their skills—their full range of functioning—and thrive.

RESPONDING TO REGRESSION: WHAT NOT TO DO

Shame your child for acting like “a baby.” Shaming has a profoundly negative effect on children. It is an attack on their sense-of-self which leads to more acting-out behavior. It also makes it much less likely they will rebound to a higher level of functioning. It also erodes their trust in you as someone who will understand, accept and support them.

Try to talk or cheerlead your child out of her feelings. Because we love our kids so deeply, it is hard to see them struggle. We just want to make the “bad” feelings go away because we think it’s harmful to them to feel sad, angry, or scared. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear, they just get “acted-out” through behaviors—like aggression and regression—that can lead to more, not less, stress for your child…and you. 

Cajole, bribe, reward or punish your child to get her to “act her age.” These strategies tend to backfire for several reasons:

• When children sense that you are trying to control them, it often leads to power struggles that only result in their digging in their heels more forcefully.

• Your child is not regressing on purpose. She is acting on her feelings; so, using logic and trying to convince her to “get with the program” rarely works and can in fact reinforce her regression.

• Regression is often an unconscious way to elicit the additional support and reassurance children need when they are experiencing stress. When you demand that your child act more independently—to use the potty, to be less clingy, etc.—it increases her insecurity which only leads to more regression.

RESPONDING TO REGRESSION: WHAT TO DO

Validate your child’s experience. Acknowledge that change can be hard, and that you will help her manage the shifts she is going through. Let her know that all feelings are welcome. Remember, feelings are not the problem; it’s what kids do with their feelings that can be productive or problematic. (Same is true for adults!) Acknowledging emotions doesn’t amplify them (a common parental concern). As Mr. Rogers famously explained: “What is mentionable is manageable.” The more children have a chance to surface and express their feelings, to understand and accept versus feel ashamed of them (which shuts them down) the less likely they are to act-out on them.
 
Follow your child’s lead. If you’re like most parents, you believe that you have to do something to control your child's behavior—to make her behave the way you think would be best for her. While it may seem counter-intuitive, following your child’s lead and giving her the space and time she needs to regain a sense of safety and security makes it more likely that she will return to a higher, developmentally appropriate level of functioning.

• If your child is getting more easily frustrated with an activity or task, let her know you see she is having a hard time and ask whether she’d like some help or to take a break and try again later.

• If your child is acting helpless and clingy, provide lots of love and connection. But be sure to provide similar attention when he is acting his age—snuggle up with him to read some books and give him big, spontaneous hugs throughout the day. This signals to him that you will provide nurture and support even when he is behaving more independently.

• If your child has regressed in using the potty, don’t push it. Let her know that it is her body and only she can decide how she pees and poops. She can wear underwear if she wants to use the potty. If she is not going to use the potty, she wears pull-ups. When she has accidents, don’t shame or punish her. (Shaming makes the whole potty experience fraught with anxiety which leads to an increase, not a decrease, in accidents—however paradoxical that may seem.) Take a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental approach. Acknowledge that accidents happen, then help your child get cleaned up and move on. Remember, elimination is all about control. When kids feel out of control on the inside, they lose control on the outside. The more you try to control your child, the more likely she is to resist. Following her lead and not making a big deal out of it makes it more likely that she will choose the potty again, sooner rather than later. (For more guidance on potty learning, check out these blogs.)

• If your child is crawling around like a baby or asking for a bottle, lean into it. As counterintuitive as that may seem, fighting it tends to backfire and further fuel your child’s “babyish” demands. It becomes a power struggle that takes on a life of it’s own. Though it may feel uncomfortable, when you respond to the need your child is expressing, she is more likely to return to age-appropriate functioning. For example, when you give older children the bottle that they are demanding, they pretty quickly feel silly and give it up shortly. If they talk like a baby, just respond like you understand what they are saying and don’t make a big deal out of it. “I think you are telling me you want me to read that book. I’d love to.” The more matter-of-fact your response to their ‘baby’ behaviors, the more quickly they are likely to abandon them.
  
  Also keep in mind that encouraging or demanding that older children act “like a big boy or girl” often backfires, as they don’t want to be a big kid in that moment, so this is not experienced as supportive or motivating in the way you intend it to be.

• If your child is becoming more clingy at bedtime, acknowledge that during times of big changes like this, it’s harder to separate for sleep. To provide more support and connection at this juncture in your day, consider expanding the bedtime routine by adding a few books and some cuddle time together. But try to stick to the limits you have already established, for example, that your child sleep in his own bed. You want to avoid setting up a dynamic that will be hard to undo. Further, letting your child sleep in your bed inadvertently sends the message that he isn’t okay in his own room at night—increasing, not decreasing his fears. Instead, consider letting him know you will check in on him periodically to provide reassurance. (For more guidance on dealing with sleep challenges, check out these blogs.)

Most of all, be patient. This too shall pass. Have faith in your children, they are often much more resilient than you think. With your support and acceptance—giving them the space and time they need to regain a sense of security in this changing world—they will return to their higher level of functioning.

Upcoming Workshop: TOILET TRAINING WITHOUT TEARS-AVOIDING THE PERILS OF THE POTTY LEARNING

Sponsored the DCJCC Edlavitch Parenting Center

Many parents today are terrified of the toilet training process, having heard horror stories from friends about the power struggles and stress they encountered. This workshop will address ways to approach potty learning in a way that is developmentally appropriate, respectful to the child’s growing need to feel in control of his or her body and which frees parents from unnecessary stress and anxiety. The workshop will also address ways to manage typical challenges that arise during the process.

Date: Tuesday, January 18
Time: 8-9:30 pm
Register: http://thejdc.convio.net/site/Calendar?id=160087&view=Detail