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How to respond to ageist comments

Ageism is a prejudice that rarely attracts the outrage directed toward racism, sexism, and other “isms.” In fact, people who make ageist comments often think they’re being nice and have no idea they’re offending anyone. But ageist comments, even if not meant to hurt, further marginalize and stigmatize being old.

I have lived long enough to see many other prejudices become unacceptable, but I’m still wondering when ageism will become equally taboo. Until that happens, here are some comebacks—both snappy and serious—for ageist comments gathered from my Facebook and IRL (in real life) friends and from anti-ageism activists.

Being called “young lady.” 

My informal survey revealed that this is the most infuriating ageist remark because it’s so patronizing… and so ubiquitous. Here are the best retorts:

• "You better get your eyes checked—you must need glasses."
• "Oh—thanks, little boy." (Because it’s always young men who do this.)
• Responding to “Can I help you, young lady?”: "Yes, you can help me get my shoe out of your butt if you say that again."
• "You can call me 'Barbara.' You can call me 'ma’am.' You can call me 'Mrs.' or 'Miz' or 'señora' or 'my friend.' I even respond to 'hey, you' and 'sir' without taking offense. But 'young lady' will earn a swift verbal slap."
• "I'm 93. Does that sound young to you?"

“You look great (or young) for your age.”

• A woman in my office who is younger than me and who looks older than her own age used to tell me, "You look good for your age" with a smirk on her face. I finally got fed up and told her, "I actually look good for YOUR age." She never directed that backhanded "compliment" towards me again!
• "Well, bless your heart." (That’s the Southern way of saying “F you.”)
• "I know… that’s what they tell us vampires all the time!"
• "I earned my gray hair (or wrinkles). Don’t take them away from me."
• "I’m disappointed because I’ve worked hard to get here!"
• Silence and a stare work well. Or a "really?" followed by a repeat of what they said.
• When someone says, "You don't look 78," my response is, "This is what 78 looks like" (with apologies to Gloria Steinem, who was 40 when she coined, "This is what 40 looks like").
• "I may not look 'that old' but I could be your mother, so treat me with respect."
• "It's amazing what cryogenics can do."
• "Don't I look great for 86?" (I'm 59.)
• "There's nothing wrong with being old. Or looking old."
• "Oh yes… I have had coffee with Medusa for ages."

 Calling someone old “cute.”

• I explain that it’s infantilizing to call someone cute because they’re old.
• If someone calls me cute, I reply, “you mean smoking hot?!?”

Being called “sweetie.” 

• I tell the person (often a doctor) that I'm no longer 6 years old.

• A salesperson said to me, “You must have been a real beauty when you were younger.” I said, “A lot of people tell me I actually look even better now.” And I walked out.
• "I’m curious, are you under the impression that you’re going to be young all your life? I think you might be wrong about that—unless you’re just unlucky and die young."
• I wear a shirt in the gym with this saying: "I'm your future… if you make it this far."
• When someone gets wind of my age (84) and asks a dumb question like, “What's your secret?,” I just say, “I haven't died yet.”
• If you’re dealing with ageist comments at work, there’s some good advice here.

If you can’t think of a snappy comeback, just ask, “Why would you say that?” Ashton Applewhite, anti-ageism activist and author of This Chair Rocks, says this is the best rejoinder to any ageist comment. Ask and then wait for an answer. It’s a polite but firm way of asking people to look at what they’re doing and where it’s coming from. If you don’t rush to “save” the person from their own embarrassment, it’s quite effective. The most common response is a shrug, but at least you know they’ll think twice before doing it again.

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