Some of the best fun I have is in hearing and seeing how people misspell, misuse and mispronounce common words.
To be fair (to me), although this is snobby at the core of it, I never make sport of people who are too young, too unfamiliar with English or too spelling-ly disadvantaged to be able to know the actual ways those words are spelled, used or pronounced. I stick to people who should know better.
Here are some of my favorites:
“To all intensive purposes …” The true phrase is “to all intents and purposes.” When he heard this, my brother, who is an engineer and has a master’s degree, said, “You mean it’s not intensive purposes?”
“Shear” material … that is, the kind that you can see through. This was ON A SIGN IN A STORE! Of course, it should have been “sheer.”
“Rod iron” “ for “wrought iron”.
“Uns-be-knownt to him” used to mean “unbeknownst to him” (that is … unknown to him). This was confidently used on a PBS show about unsolved crimes.
“Boliviant “ (used to mean “oblivious,” the state of not knowing something , being entirely unaware of it … I guess as if you lived in Bolivia and it was happening in Irkutsk).
A “clean cuffs” kind of guy. This means that he wore a well-laundered shirt .. but the phrase is actually “clean cut,” which is to say, not shaggy and disreputable
“Frosting at the mouth …” My tiny grandson Hank looked like this just before the Christmas cookies went in the oven … but the phrase actually is “frothing at the mouth,” to describe someone so angry or upset that her or she resembles a mad dog.
Thirty-one-th (31th)… this is the next sequence after “thirtieth.” As the kids say, I can’t even …
“Unequivocable,” which I guess means even more strongly than the real word (“unequivocal”).
A favorite of my grad students: “Shoulda.” I asked one (very bright) young woman to write out the two words she’d made into an incorrect contraction. She wrote, “should of.” I asked the rest of the workshop group. Four other people wrote the same thing.
“We’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it”.
“I’ll do the dig deeping …” Actually, one of the smartest people I know just said this in a meeting. She intended to say “deep digging.”
So, how does a person avoid misspelling, misusing and misunderstanding common phrases? You read. You READ.
I’ve raised or am raising nine intelligent people and of those, only four are readers. How can this be? (KID, Your mom is an author!) I believe some of it is the intrusion of other media, particularly in recent years. Years ago, I should have said, I’m taking your phones at night so you’ll read. I didn’t do this, in part because these kids’ father is a lovely, amiable, TV-loving non-reader who thought I was being overly harsh.
As for how many of these offspring actually has read a book that I wrote … that number hovers about zero. While my friends say, oh, my daughter didn’t like that character in my new book, my kids say, I would rather read a book you wrote than have dental surgery. I even offered compensation and, at last glance, I offered to pay $125 to anyone who would read a book that I wrote (this is good money, maybe not for breaking rocks in the hot sun, but for reading a book. However, I haven’t had to part with any money yet).
The reasons are unsbeknownt to me.
Maybe, as one of my sons said a few years ago, it’s because when they read something I wrote, they can hear my voice – and they’ve heard that enough.
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HOT WRITING TIP
Don’t read too many “craft books” about writing – that is how-to books about writing. Read good stories. They will teach you how to write if you imitate the people whose writing you admire.
By this, I don’t mean you should copy their writing, but imitate it. You are attracted to your favorite writers for a reason. Their work speaks to something in you. So, in writing in the fashion of the authors you most admire, you will probably find your own voice.
But if you have to read one craft book, I will forgive you if you make it Stephen King’s On Writing.
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HOT COOKING TIP
Brownies, from scratch
Okay, who makes brownies from scratch? That’s what brownie mix is for, right? However, the other night, my 18-year-old decided to make scratch brownies and they were about 200% better, thus worth the few extra steps. These brownies are not super-sweet, they’re more semi-sweet. Everyone loved them.
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10 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 ¼ cups granulated sugar
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 rounded teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large cold eggs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2/3 cup chopped walnuts or pecans, optional
DIRECTIONS
Position an oven rack in the lower third of the oven and heat to 325 degrees F. Line the bottom and sides of an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment paper or aluminum foil, leaving an overhang on two opposite sides. (This helps when removing the baked brownies from the pan, once cooled because you can just lift them out and don’t need to go digging in the pan).
Add enough water to a medium saucepan so that it is 1 to 2 inches deep. Heat water until barely simmering.
Combine butter, sugar, cocoa powder, and salt in a medium heat-safe bowl, glass or ceramic. Rest the bowl over simmering water (if the bottom of the bowl touches the water, remove a little water). Stir the mixture occasionally until the butter has melted and the mixture is quite warm. Don’t worry if it looks gritty; it will become smooth once you add the eggs and flour.
Remove the bowl from heat and set aside for 3 to 5 minutes until it is only warm, not hot. Stir in the vanilla with a spoon. Then add the eggs, one at a time, stirring vigorously after each one.
When the batter looks thick, shiny, and well blended, add the flour and stir until fully incorporated, then beat with the wooden spoon or spatula for 40 to 50 strokes. (The batter will be thick). Beat vigorously here. You want to see the brownie batter pulling away from the sides of the bowl (if you do not have the strength to do this by hand, use a hand mixer). Stir in nuts, if using. Spread evenly in lined pan.
Bake the brownies for 20 to 25 minutes or until a toothpick can be inserted into the center and come out with a few moist crumbs. As a visual test, brownies are done when the edges will look dry and the middle still looks slightly under baked.
Cool completely then remove from pan. For the cleanest lines when cutting, place into the freezer for 20 minutes to firm up. Cut into 16 squares.
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Here’s one of those books to read if you have not read it already. Sara Gruen knows how this is done!
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