Faithful readers of this newsletter know that I often use this vehicle to share new insights I gain through my work with families. Today’s edition focuses on two common parenting pitfalls that may be seemingly subtle but can have a big impact.
Why not to say "I'm sorry you're sad" when your child is sad/angry or struggling with other big feelings.
I had this "aha" moment while viewing a video parents sent me last week that showed their 2-year-old (whom I'll call Bella) melting down because her mom, Jenny, wouldn't take her hair out of a braid. Yes, you read that right. Fierce little ones like Bella are so keenly tuned into everything. It's like they don't have a filter. They get flooded trying to make sense of everything they are taking in and processing so they create strict rules to impose order on and feel in control of a world that can feel overwhelming. They may dictate where people can sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—that are all coping mechanisms these kids use to control their environment.
(Bear with me—I promise this will circle back to the ultimate insight I am getting to.)
Jenny had been acquiescing to Bella's hairstyle demands, thinking what's the big deal, she just wants her daughter to be happy. But as we explore further, Jenny and her husband, Jordan, begin to see this as part of a larger dynamic that is becoming more prevalent and problematic. Bella is making more and more rigid demands about every step of their daily routines, such as how her owl babies are organized before bed—which can take up to 30 minutes—and insisting that she always go down the steps first in the morning, making them all go back up and start over if someone else precedes her. They begin to see that adapting to Bella in this way, which in the moment feels loving, is not helping her be flexible. They are also finding themselves getting very frustrated and short with her due to her increasing need for (seemingly irrational) rituals that are controlling their daily lives.
With this insight, Jenny realizes that what would be most loving would be to help Bella see Jenny as the trusted, adored mom she is no matter what her hair looks like. So when Bella insists Jenny take her hair down, Jenny replies, "I know, you like mommy's hair down, but mommy gets to decide how to wear my hair, and right now I am more comfortable with it up. Remember, I am the same mama no matter how I wear my hair."
After several weeks of this "course correction," most of the time when Bella sees mom's hair up, she gets a twinkle in her eye and says, "Same mama." But sometimes she still melts down. Which brings me back to the video and the key insight.
In the video, Bella enters the house after preschool and sees Jenny with her hair up. She falls to the floor and starts to whimper. Jenny stays the course and doesn't put her hair down to pacify Bella. She is clear that doing so would just be reinforcing Bella's rigidity and her faulty narrative that she can't cope or feel connected to Jenny based on her hairdo. What she does is rub Bella's back and repeat in a loving voice, "I'm so sorry, Bella. It will be ok."
The insight? As I listened to Jenny repeat "sorry" over and over, it occurred to me that saying "sorry" to a child when she is experiencing a big, tough emotion (vs when you have done something you regret—yell, shame—that does deserve an apology) inadvertently communicates that it's a "bad”, unwanted feeling which I think is not the message we want to send. It puts a value judgment on these feelings, suggesting that there is something wrong with them. This can pose an obstacle to helping children understand and accept ALL their emotions--the ultimate key to the ability for achieving that gold standard of emotional regulation.
So validation and providing physical comfort (when a child wants it, some children recoil from touch when in a triggered/dysregulated state and need space)—YES!
Saying sorry that your child is going through a difficult moment—NO.
Now when Bella melts down upon seeing Jenny's hair is up, Jenny responds: "I see it still sometimes makes you uncomfortable when mom's hair is up. I understand. Remember, 'same mama'." Then Jenny stays quiet and present and gives Bella space to work it through. Bella eventually calms and moves on. Her mom has given her the gift of showing Bella that she can manage ALL the complex emotions that are part of being human.
Why forcing your child to make eye contact when you are trying to give him a direction or correction backfires.
One of the greatest challenges in parenting is that strategies that make total sense from your adult perspective and that are intended to be helpful to your child are not perceived that way and so backfire. Forcing/demanding children make eye contact when you are talking to them is one of these paradoxes. It feels impolite/rude/disrespectful not to look you in the eye when you are trying to communicate with your child. Or, you fear that not making eye contact means your child is tuning you out and won't take in the information you are trying to communicate to him.
The problem is that often the reason children avoid eye contact is because they are trying to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings. These are often situations in which you are giving your child a direction or correction which you intend as being helpful but which he experiences as criticism; that he didn't do something right and feels ashamed about it. Looking you in the eye in these moments feels overwhelming. So forcing or demanding he do so only increases his stress and makes it more likely he will get further dysregulated (laugh, become silly, run or turn away), or just shut down. (My most productive conversations with my son were when he was bouncing a basketball. My initial reaction was, "Put that ball down and look at me when I talk am talking to you", but then realized that bouncing the ball was soothing to him and made it more likely he would process what I was trying to communicate.)
Further, making a demand that you have no control over (you can't actually make your child look you in the eye) just promulgates a power struggle that takes on life of its own and the whole point of your direction or correction is subjugated.
Instead, acknowledge your child's discomfort: "I know it feels uncomfortable when I give you a direction you don't like. It's hard to stop playing and clean up." Or, "I know it feels uncomfortable when I want to talk about a behavior that was harmful. You don't mean to be hurtful and it feels hard to think about it." Then proceed. You don't have to disconnect just because your child isn't looking directly at you. He may be better able to take in what you have to say when you allow him to avert his gaze.
"But it is time to put the toys away. I can't tell if you have heard this direction so please show me with your actions that you know it's time to clean up."
"I am going to share my thoughts about how to help you manage your body in ways that are safe. I am eager to hear about your thoughts when you are ready."
For more on how to respond when your child is being evasive in these difficult moments, check out this blog.
New and Noteworthy
I will be starting a monthly drop-in Q&A in the Spring. Each session will have a focus topic but instead of a formal workshop it will be structured as a Q&A. This will give parents a chance to ask their burning questions and hear and learn from other parents (and to see that you are not alone!) It will likely be Fridays from 12-1. Cost will be about $30/family. I would cap it at 20 participants per session. I would love to hear from you about whether this is something you would be interested in.
Check out recordings of a range of recent speaking engagements, including a conversation with Andrew Moses who has a great podcast that features conversations with Olympians, pro athletes, CEOs, elite coaches, bestselling authors, and other top performers about their success secrets and the power of leading by example. So I was honored—since I don't fit into any of these illustrious categories—that he reached out to me to talk about how parents can nurture the ability to be a good leader and team player from the start--to explore the roots of resilience and the role of nature and nurture. Take a listen to and feel free to share our conversation.
Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. I served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for 20+ years, where I oversaw the development of all parenting educational content. I have been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. I also provide training to local preschools and pediatric residents. I am the author of numerous parenting publications, curricula and articles in addition to a podcast and video series for parents and professionals. I write a column for PBSkids.org and have also written columns for Parents Magazine. I have been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
